my only sunshine


I was singing “You are my sunshine..my only sunshine…lah la la lah la….” (like I do all the live long day now) to Baby Bug today as I changed her diaper on the scratchy grass at the park, when suddenly it hit me: She is my sunshine. If she wasn’t with me, my skies would be so gray.

Sometimes I forget what life was like like before Baby Bug. What was it like not to be toting around a seventeen pound companion wherever I go? She goes everywhere with me. The laundromat, the grocery store, the gas station, the many many many public restrooms I must visit because I have a bladder the size of a pea.

So many times I have to tell her, “No, icky! Don’t touch that!” I don’t even know what it’s like to go to the bathroom by myself any more. Or get into the car without thinking about the windows being down so she doesn’t die of heat exhaustion before I can get her car seat buckled. I heft her in and out of her car seat about a thousand times a day. It’s like second nature. Like wearing a purse.

When I was a kid I used to always daydream about having a little pet mouse that could sit on my shoulder and talk to me all day long (and maybe whisper the answers to timed math quiz questions). Now, I have that constant companion. I might not understand what she is saying all the time but she definitely talks to me all day. I can’t wait until she’s old enough to do math for me.

When I sat there on the grass at the park, staring down at this little wiggly body who can’t wait to flip over and run away diaper- less to the sand box, I was suddenly hit with how very very sad I am going to be when she grows up and leaves me someday. Now it’s all making sense why some mothers refuse to let go of their children even when it is the best thing they can do for them.

Sure I’ll always have Toby and my hobbies and my cats and whoever else comes into my life between now and then… but she will always be my sunshine. My only sunshine.

p.s. I am aware that having this sort of epiphamy while changing a poopy diaper doesn’t really make for the most poetic visual but that’s what really happened. I’ve never been very good at writing fiction.


  • nila

    And that is the only sunshie you need. BB is so lucky to have you as her mommy, it sounds like you have lots of fun together. My kids never want to go anywhere with me anymore. That’s depressing, I miss my little buddies.

  • lynne

    I love your insight on the world. My dad used to sing that song to me too. I was born the youngest in my family when my dad was almost 50 and my mam 41, they definately would have kept me in vests and pigtails (braids) until I was sixteen. I think one of their saddest days was when I left to go to college in London, as they knew I’d never come back to live in the little Welsh town by the sea where I grew up .

    I am glad you are feeling better and that your own personal gloom cloud has lifted, you are much more beautiful than you know (and I mean that in your attitude to life, spiritual grace, not just physical apperence), please don’t be hard on yourself.

  • Melanie

    What a beautiful post!
    I hear what you are saying, I cherished that precious time with my first daughter, I couldn’t imagine my day without her by my side. And now while she’s off at school number two gets some one on one time too, I often ask my girls, ‘can’t I just bottle you and put you in my pocket so I can keep you like this forever?’ To which they reply, ‘ no way, we want to grow up and have babies too!”

  • BeachMama

    Beautiful post. I have had that epiphany too, except I have a son. So I wonder will he be like me and hang out with his Mom when he is older or be like Hubby and talk to his Mom once a month and his Sister once a year. I don’t ever want him to be too far from me and I don’t want to ever lose the closeness that we have now. But truthfully he starts school in a couple of months and I know I won’t come first anymore. He is my ray of sunshine and has helped me through many, many difficult days. May BB be your best friend, always.

  • SparklieSunShine

    I was going to say this was a really beautiful post and I see some others used that same word. This is one of those posts that makes me so excited for the day I finally have children.

    Also that picture you took is gorgeous. You captured her eyes very well.

  • gretchen

    I remember when I was pregnant the first time, loving the feeling of having a little buddy to carry around with me all the time. I worried that it wouldn’t be the same after he was born. I’ve often thought how unfair it is that we learn to revolve our lives around our babies, only to have them grow up and not want us revolving around them anymore. But we’ve got a few good years left before that happens…

  • andrea

    That is my favorite song to sing to my son. He is definitely my sunshine, my reason for getting out of bed in the a.m. and the reason I brave the 95 degree heat to walk him to a nice shady spot at the park (and maybe to get his over tired mom a cup of coffee). I already know how hard it will be to let go someday but I try not to dwell on the future and live in the moment because they are passing way too quickly.

    That is a great photo!

  • Bethany

    Real moms…have epiphanies about how much they love their children while changing poopy diapers on the scratchy grass at the park. :-)

  • Bethany

    Oh, and also? I too am afflicted with a pea-sized bladder and know where every public restroom within 50 miles of my house is located. My 3-year-old daughter goes to the bathroom about half as often as I do. It’s completely ridiculous.

  • Lisa

    awww…i got a little weepy reading that and thinking of MY only sunshine. he’s only been around for 6 months and already i can’t remember what it was like to go anyplace alone. and what a great photo of Baby Bug – such warm, brown eyes!

  • OMSH

    Y’know, I think I thought all that with my first. Then the 2nd pregnancy was announced and I thought “How will I love this one like the first?” Amazingly enough there was an endless vault of love. The 3rd was less of a concern, b/c I’d already experienced it with the first.

    It is a well that never runs dry. NEVER.

  • Jennifer

    I love the picture.

    I remember, not to long ago, when I thought that Emily would be my only sunshine. We weren’t being very successful at making any more. For some reason that made me feel even more close to her than before. Now I have three sunshines in my life (not sure how THAT happened) and I feel so strange when I run errands without them. They each give me something different that warms my heart. My first is a little spitfire and challenges me at every turn. She keeps me on my toes, in a good way. My second is easy to please and can put a smile on my face with the simplest of gestures. My third is a lump of cuddles, coos and squishy cheeks. I’ll miss the kind of closeness that a newborn allows when it’s all gone.

    Thanks for the perspective. I love reading about your time with BB. You are such a great mom.

  • Hotrodhanna

    I love that picture! You are the kind of mom every kid wishes they could have. Baby Bug is so lucky to have a mom as creative and fun as you are! You have this nack for making everyday tasks seem fun and exciting! In short,,, I think you really are a Supermom.

  • Margie

    And this is why I love coming here every day to see what’s going on in your world.

    I miss those days. Doesn’t seem all that long ago, either. My “kids” are 22, 19, and 16.

    But every stage has its fun and rewarding parts–as well as the difficult and exasperating (and how much would we value the good times if we didn’t have the bad?).

    By the time BB has moved on and out, you’ll be ready to have some peace and privacy, excited for her and secure that she’ll never be truly gone, because you’ll have this marvelous record of your life with her (i.e., this blog), all the great pictures, and your wonderful relationship with her that will last throughout time. :)

    Wishing I’d written more in all my kids’ baby books. :(

  • Nicole Iwawaki

    An epiphany is just like that…hitting you when you least expect it. I found myself all teary the other day thinking about Judah going to kindergarten in the fall. I was so sad because in 12 years he will be going away to school. A tear!

  • Clownfish

    Many times we try to see “through the eyes of a child”. You let us look into the eye of your child. I’m guessing that it’s your porch. I see you shooting the photo, the sky, tree branches, the support post but I do not see the orchid green house hutch. What a fun photo!

  • deb

    I used to sing that song, too, but tailored to my son’s name–you are my Sean-shine, my only Sean shine. My children are teens now. I miss the young years so much it aches.