Got my mojo back, maybe.

fabulous-at-50.

I actually woke up excited to blog today. That is huge! It’s been probably fifteen years since I looked forward to blogging. It was such a job there for a while, you know? It was fun when I was famous but then blogs fell out of fashion and mommy blogging was so overdone…I was kinda ashamed to be part of all that but I think in spite of myself and all the flubs I’ve committed over the years, I finally have a great corner of the internet all to myself. I really look forward to the comments here and I feel like you are my real friends. I love updating you. I love the inside jokes we have. So here I am, back!

I’ve felt slightly better over the last few days. Payam and I are friends and today I walked the dogs which was a HUGE serotonin hit. I follow a bunch of golden retriever accounts on Instagram (to combat depression obviously) and they make me miss Cody so much! Of course, I miss Whiskey too but there aren’t as many cute wheatens on the internet as there are golden retrievers. I’m a sucker for a good puppy video. They get me every time.  It was really fun to walk them. I walked them all the way to Starbucks and got them big glasses of water and puppuccinos. They were so happy. I might make it a regular thing.

boho-apartment

Yesterday I got a bee up my butt and I rearranged the living room furniture. That’s definitely a sign that I’m feeling better. I also re-covered that chair you see on the left. I bought it at an estate sale for ten bucks. It was soooooo dusty. I think the original owner must have been in dead or in a home for years before they opened up the house and decided to sell all the stuff. There were so many amazing antiques. I bought a pot and a can opener and a chair! I love a good estate sale. It’s been nice to have a new place to furnish. I wish I was a professional estate sale shopper. If anyone needs unique furnishings, email me. I’m great at finding unique things!

my-goober

Oh yes, remember this goober? She still steals my phone and takes hundreds of silly selfies. I love it.

bug-got-her-bike-stolen

In other news: Bug’s bike got stolen right out of our carport. It was locked to the trellis wall with my bike (Suzette the bicyclette) and the thieves just cut the lock and took it. We are so bummed. They didn’t take Suzette though so I whipped her upstairs and have her stashed half in my closet and the other half sticking out. It’s not the most aesthetically pleasing arrangement but nobody’s going to steal my bike if I can help it. We filed a police report and an officer actually came out to talk with us. He said there isn’t much we can do but they took all of our information and they were really nice about it. I’m so glad Toby still had the serial number so if they do find it they can return it to us. Sigh… thems the breaks of apartment living.

blood-moon

Last night Bug and I crept onto the golf course to take a photo of the super moon. It was so fun to sneak around in the dark where we normally are not allowed. I didn’t even care that I was wearing my pajamas.

feelin-it

This is definitely proof that I’m getting my mojo back. I think I want to throw a “fabulous fifty” birthday party and ask all my friends to dress up for a pool party at the clubhouse in our complex. I’m planning the ultimate photoshoot and everybody must dress up. The more fabulous the better. I was thinking crazy flowered pants and Elton John style glasses but when I went to a thrift store to find some “70’s glam costumery” all I found was this amazing peacock green gown instead. It is truly AMAZING. There is so much fabric and it’s super heavy and stretchy like a swimsuit. You can tie it a million different ways and every way is flattering. I’m also working on a Brendarita invitation with real margarita powder and freeze-dried strawberries (just add tequila)! If you want to be on my exclusive mailing list email me. Because if you are still reading here on this corner of the internet you deserve to be at this party!

hanging on by a thread

same-kady

I’m showing up here because I blocked out the time to show up. I’m pretty much phoning it in, you could say. I’m so thankful that not that many people read anymore because this post would be ripe for some get-off-the-internet jabs. I don’t mean to share to fish for compliments or even seek charity because the reality of my situation is I put myself here. I think that’s why I’m so down. I thought I would be thriving by now but I’m not. I’m sleeping all the time which is freaking me out.

I even drove over to Payam’s today to have him check my blood sugar because I was convinced I had diabetes. Turns out I don’t. Yes, Payam and I are still friends and I’m so thankful for that. He is beyond long-suffering with me. Thankfully the sleepiness seems to ebb and flow and usually, after a really drag-ass day, I can pick myself up again and get back to work. Maybe this is just normal.

moody

Since nobody is policing what I share anymore I can record that I have a complex cyst on my left ovary. Maybe that is messing up my hormones and causing this latest grief. I am getting it checked out and so far everything seems okay. Has anyone ever mentioned that an endo biopsy is not pleasant?!!!  Oh my goodness, I felt like the doctor was prying me open with a screwdriver.  It was just as terrible as I worried it would be.  I haven’t heard the results yet but so far I have no real reason to worry too much.

I really got myself worked up over the endo biopsy. I was super afraid to go in for it and then when it happened and it was just as terrible as I imagined I started crying and I couldn’t stop. The poor doctor felt so bad for me. She kept handing me tissues and asking me if I needed ibuprofen. I didn’t. It was more the process and the anticipation that really got me and not so much the pain.

I think I had been stressed out over it for so long that when it finally came the dam broke. Then because of a comedy of errors I had to rush across town to a chiropractor appointment that I had immediately after. When I got there I could barely pull myself together. Thankfully the chiropractor is a crunchy-born-again-homeschooling-woo-woo healer so she was no stranger to weepy women seeking help. I put myself on her table and my head in the paper hole and the tears wouldn’t stop leaking out.

Then because I was trying so hard to stop crying I didn’t concentrate on my vice-grip back muscles that usually hold my back from cracking and KER-RACK-RACK-RACK CRACK CRACK CRACK! All my vertebrae in my middle back just ripped back into where they should have been. I have been trying to crack the middle of my back for years!! Who knew some crying would loosen me up just enough to make it finally happen. It felt amazing. By now my crying was pretty obvious and I couldn’t hide it anymore. The paper on my face was soaked. The chiropractor said that often our body gets rid of bad things by crying and that’s why I finally got properly aligned. I’m not sure about the accurate scientificness of this theory but I’ll take it. Whatever works.

my-golfcourse

So my back is great. It’s been not great for so long. I bought a new purple bed for our new apartment hoping it was Payam’s bed that was causing all my pain for the last few years but then it seemed the new bed even made it worse.  I was worried I had made a bad purchase and here I am still stuck paying payments on it but maybe the bed is fine and I just had myself out of whack from moving and carrying heavy furniture and maybe… just maybe some stress has had me hunched over like my Aunt Lois who had the elephant man disease.

When did this blog turn into an old lady blog who complains about her ailments? I know the answer to that one. When my cute little kid grew up and I can’t talk about her daily antics anymore! I miss little Bug so much. Don’t get me wrong. I love Bug as a teen but I really miss being a young mom. Last night I dreamt that I was playing with a popular Instagram influencer’s toddler and we were having so much fun. I was making houses out of cardboard boxes and cutting mail slots for pretend letters to go through. We were having puppet shows and I was letting her ride on my back…then I woke up and I was really sad that I don’t know this little girl in real life.

Many people have commented to me that they feel like they know me and Bug from reading this blog for so many years and I guess I know how you feel. I see that Instagrammer’s kid every day and I feel like she’s part of my life so I dream about her but if I ever met her in real life she’d probably run from me.  I need to cut back on my phone scrolling. What else is new? When I was talking to a psychiatrist the other day she told me that one in three people are on antidepressants. On one hand that’s awesome that antidepressants are helping so many people but on the other, what is wrong with this world that a third of us are depressed?! That is really depressing.

jack-car-randa-season

So let’s look at some purple trees instead. I love that it is jacaranda season. It’s really odd to be depressed in spring. The days are beautiful. I guess I should be thankful I’m not trudging through this in winter.

mothersday2022

Mother’s Day was yesterday. Bug spent the day with me which was really sweet. She’s not usually one to think outside her own bubble so I was especially touched that she was making a day about me. That day started at noon since she slept in but I didn’t hold it against her. It’s not like I had any plans and if anyone knows anything it’s that teenagers sleep all day long. So we had breakfast for lunch and Bug gave me a special mug that she made in ceramics. Then we painted and that made me really happy. I painted a self-portrait and one of Bug. They are both pretty bad.  I’m not sharing the one of me but you can see the one of Bug where it looks like she had a Micheal Jackson nose. I’ll fix it if I ever get around to it. I think it’s okay to not be great at painting. I want to paint another portrait like it again next year and see how much better I get. I know if I paint regularly I will.

I might be depressed but at least I’m still making plans!

Speaking of plans. I’m turning 50 in July and for the life of me, I can’t put a party together. One day I’m bursting with ideas and then the next day I scrap them all. So if you get an invite from me on the week of you’ll know what happened.