Today was one of those days. I thought it was a funk but it was just a case of not enough caffeine…or something. Finally, after a tall glass of black iced tea AND a homemade iced coffee (that kicks Starbucks twice around the block) I finally snapped out of my lethargic slothfulness and got into gear. I think that was about five in the evening.
This is so out of character for me. I usually am full-gusto first thing in the morning and then run low on energy from three in the afternoon on. But I am not the same me anymore. I am having an identity crisis. Day is night and night is day. I am “The Full-Time Mom” now and it’s so strange. I know it’s been over a year since I assumed that title but it’s still not fitting me as snugly as my old titles. I read somewhere that happiness is the feeling of control over your day. I am happy but I am not feeling in control over my days. Baby Bug is in charge of my days now and she is cracking the whip.
I’m still working around the edges of my life as “The Full Time Mom” but those edges are very small unpredictable little snippets of time in fifteen minute increments or less. I spend a lot of my time watching Baby Bug and day dreaming of my old productivity. However, I’ve finally taught myself to be thankful if I manage to fit a whole shower in while she naps. It’s just a matter of changing my expectations. If I can take a shower AND check my email then that’s a super duper bonus day.
Sometimes at the end of the day I feel so haggard and ugly (my hair! it is sooo ugly!). Toby notices this and though it must be confusing to him, he hugs me and tells me that it will be over so soon. That’s something I forget so often. Everything passes. I thought I would be nursing forever and what do you know it’s sixteen months later and she is weaning herself! When I’m in the thick of it, I feel so overwhelmed as if my hard work is going to go on forever but in reality she is growing up and it will be over in a flash. I have to keep reminding myself of this. In five years, I will be able to do a lot of the things I used to do and maybe more. This is such a small sacrifice in the scheme of things. I just have to remember that.
But somedays I just feel run down. Then I drink a bunch of coffee, knock out a few illustrations or design projects and I feel like my old self again. I sure hope I’m not killing myself slowly with this caffeine induced second wind.
I should have added these earlier… I was thinking of these posts:
A sense of control from the Happiness Project and a very good post over at waiter rant that is down for maintenance and just won’t come back up. Keep checking though. It was sooo good.
I never get out and about to read blogs anymore but when I do, I’m always amazed that there is so much wonderful material to read. Who needs a newspaper or a library card any more!