hanging on by a thread

same-kady

I’m showing up here because I blocked out the time to show up. I’m pretty much phoning it in, you could say. I’m so thankful that not that many people read anymore because this post would be ripe for some get-off-the-internet jabs. I don’t mean to share to fish for compliments or even seek charity because the reality of my situation is I put myself here. I think that’s why I’m so down. I thought I would be thriving by now but I’m not. I’m sleeping all the time which is freaking me out.

I even drove over to Payam’s today to have him check my blood sugar because I was convinced I had diabetes. Turns out I don’t. Yes, Payam and I are still friends and I’m so thankful for that. He is beyond long-suffering with me. Thankfully the sleepiness seems to ebb and flow and usually, after a really drag-ass day, I can pick myself up again and get back to work. Maybe this is just normal.

moody

Since nobody is policing what I share anymore I can record that I have a complex cyst on my left ovary. Maybe that is messing up my hormones and causing this latest grief. I am getting it checked out and so far everything seems okay. Has anyone ever mentioned that an endo biopsy is not pleasant?!!!  Oh my goodness, I felt like the doctor was prying me open with a screwdriver.  It was just as terrible as I worried it would be.  I haven’t heard the results yet but so far I have no real reason to worry too much.

I really got myself worked up over the endo biopsy. I was super afraid to go in for it and then when it happened and it was just as terrible as I imagined I started crying and I couldn’t stop. The poor doctor felt so bad for me. She kept handing me tissues and asking me if I needed ibuprofen. I didn’t. It was more the process and the anticipation that really got me and not so much the pain.

I think I had been stressed out over it for so long that when it finally came the dam broke. Then because of a comedy of errors I had to rush across town to a chiropractor appointment that I had immediately after. When I got there I could barely pull myself together. Thankfully the chiropractor is a crunchy-born-again-homeschooling-woo-woo healer so she was no stranger to weepy women seeking help. I put myself on her table and my head in the paper hole and the tears wouldn’t stop leaking out.

Then because I was trying so hard to stop crying I didn’t concentrate on my vice-grip back muscles that usually hold my back from cracking and KER-RACK-RACK-RACK CRACK CRACK CRACK! All my vertebrae in my middle back just ripped back into where they should have been. I have been trying to crack the middle of my back for years!! Who knew some crying would loosen me up just enough to make it finally happen. It felt amazing. By now my crying was pretty obvious and I couldn’t hide it anymore. The paper on my face was soaked. The chiropractor said that often our body gets rid of bad things by crying and that’s why I finally got properly aligned. I’m not sure about the accurate scientificness of this theory but I’ll take it. Whatever works.

my-golfcourse

So my back is great. It’s been not great for so long. I bought a new purple bed for our new apartment hoping it was Payam’s bed that was causing all my pain for the last few years but then it seemed the new bed even made it worse.  I was worried I had made a bad purchase and here I am still stuck paying payments on it but maybe the bed is fine and I just had myself out of whack from moving and carrying heavy furniture and maybe… just maybe some stress has had me hunched over like my Aunt Lois who had the elephant man disease.

When did this blog turn into an old lady blog who complains about her ailments? I know the answer to that one. When my cute little kid grew up and I can’t talk about her daily antics anymore! I miss little Bug so much. Don’t get me wrong. I love Bug as a teen but I really miss being a young mom. Last night I dreamt that I was playing with a popular Instagram influencer’s toddler and we were having so much fun. I was making houses out of cardboard boxes and cutting mail slots for pretend letters to go through. We were having puppet shows and I was letting her ride on my back…then I woke up and I was really sad that I don’t know this little girl in real life.

Many people have commented to me that they feel like they know me and Bug from reading this blog for so many years and I guess I know how you feel. I see that Instagrammer’s kid every day and I feel like she’s part of my life so I dream about her but if I ever met her in real life she’d probably run from me.  I need to cut back on my phone scrolling. What else is new? When I was talking to a psychiatrist the other day she told me that one in three people are on antidepressants. On one hand that’s awesome that antidepressants are helping so many people but on the other, what is wrong with this world that a third of us are depressed?! That is really depressing.

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So let’s look at some purple trees instead. I love that it is jacaranda season. It’s really odd to be depressed in spring. The days are beautiful. I guess I should be thankful I’m not trudging through this in winter.

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Mother’s Day was yesterday. Bug spent the day with me which was really sweet. She’s not usually one to think outside her own bubble so I was especially touched that she was making a day about me. That day started at noon since she slept in but I didn’t hold it against her. It’s not like I had any plans and if anyone knows anything it’s that teenagers sleep all day long. So we had breakfast for lunch and Bug gave me a special mug that she made in ceramics. Then we painted and that made me really happy. I painted a self-portrait and one of Bug. They are both pretty bad.  I’m not sharing the one of me but you can see the one of Bug where it looks like she had a Micheal Jackson nose. I’ll fix it if I ever get around to it. I think it’s okay to not be great at painting. I want to paint another portrait like it again next year and see how much better I get. I know if I paint regularly I will.

I might be depressed but at least I’m still making plans!

Speaking of plans. I’m turning 50 in July and for the life of me, I can’t put a party together. One day I’m bursting with ideas and then the next day I scrap them all. So if you get an invite from me on the week of you’ll know what happened.

Starring in the Brenda Show

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It’s that time again. Time to do some catchity-catch-upping. I feel like a million years has past since my last post. New York seems like a lifetime ago. But what has happened in between? I don’t know! A whole lotta work and stuff and stuff. The stuff and stuff is the stuff I can’t talk about. Nothing to worry about just the usual “not my story, not my privilege to tell” kind of thing. Boring, I know. If I could talk I could fill up novels! But I can’t so let’s talk about the weather.

Summer has slowly morphed into fall and I couldn’t be happier about it. My arms are mystified by these things called “sleeves” that they have suddenly found themselves enveloped in. My arms hate sleeves. You know how some kids get used to wearing shorts and then when their parents force them to wear pants in the winter, their legs feel like they are suffocating in cloth? That’s me and my arms. They like to be free like a bee. But! It has been chilly in my air conditioned office and sometimes on my early morning dog walks so I have braved a sweatshirt now and then. Crazy talk!

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I made some fig tarts, school has been in full swing and I’m starting to have a regular balance between work and home life. It’s been a long time coming but getting an office has finally formed a truce over who gets to have more of my time. It’s really nice. But I do miss my family.

I’m still going to the Sticks weekly to hang with my mom. My dad is gone for a month or so to drive a truck for the potato and beet harvest in Idaho. We miss him dreadfully but my mom is a trooper! She walks Spreckles, the dog, by herself up to the park with her new knees and we are so proud of her.

the-den

Bug and I are up to our usual mother-daughter dates in fun coffee shops. The rest of the family is not into food like we are so they miss out. How cool is The Den looking these days? It’s a pretty special spot.  Amazing food too.

In other news Bug and Joon went to their first Homecoming Dance! It was big news in our house. Bug tried to pretend it wasn’t a big deal at all but she was the one that forced me to take her shopping for the perfect dress that didn’t exist. We went to the mall, we went to a boutique thrift store and finally in the end she found her dress for $20 at a regular thriftstore. She didn’t even try it on, because they don’t have fitting rooms. We just eyeballed it and it fit perfectly! Well… after I took in the top by two sizes and cut off the dusty hem from some bride who must have worn it dancing the night away. I say that’s a perfect fit.

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It was so cute to see them with their “dates” aka the guys they played Minecraft with the whole year everyone was forced to stay home during the pandemic. I’m thankful for their group of gamer friends. They kept them sane.  I can’t say I know what goes on while they are gaming (other than a lot shouting and laughter echoing from the girl’s rooms) but they seem to all be good students and basically a good influence on our kids.

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How cute are they all dressed up? How awkward am I trying to insert myself into the middle of everything?

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They had a great time and danced the night away in their tennis shoes.

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Also in big news: Suki had a baby and she’s been living with my mom! The baby’s name is Blair and she’s the best baby ever. Very even tempered and pretty sweet. So of course I had to do a photoshoot.

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Suki is a great mama. I hope she gets to stay with my mom for a long time so we can all be part of Baby Blair’s life. I’ve missed my nieces and it’s so good to have at least one of them back here for a while.

I think that’s it for now! Hopefully I get back here again before November with more news because this once-a-month blogging is pathetic!