Beach Bits,  Bug,  Family Matters,  Moody Blues,  spilling my guts

the deep end of the roller coaster

a face I've memorized

When I look at this face, I think, why would I want to have another child? She is so perfect. Why screw up something that is already good? I’m thirty-six, the chances of having a high-needs child have sky-rocketed. I think I could handle taking care of another person but I’m not sure. I’m full of doubt. I’m scared. I’m tired of the “trying to get pregnant” roller coaster. I know. I shouldn’t complain. There are so many people out there who have suffered great sacrifices and terrible pain. I’ve done next to nothing to fix my infertility problems. I know God has a plan for me and I should just sit and wait it out. But you know how that goes. Human fretting. It’s such a hard habit to break.


She is the best thing that ever happened to me. She’s my life. My morning and my night and everything in between. I just want to give her a brother or a sister so she can have what I had and still have. I love my brother. We always took on the world together. I was never alone. My brother and I never really talk much but I know he’s there. He is always there for me. I could call him up any time of the day or night and he would help me move the moon if I wanted it moved.

I don’t want her to be alone. She needs a team member like I always had so she can take on what life throws at her. Who knows, she’ll need somebody to help her put up with me when I get old. I know I’m going to be one of those crazy whacky old mothers who plays all sorts of mental games on her. I don’t want to be like that but I don’t have the best track history.

So we try and we try and we try and while the trying part is fun and all, the not-getting-pregnant part is brutal. And yes, I know. I know I need to go see a doctor and see if there is really something wrong with me. I don’t even have a doctor right now so I don’t deserve to complain about this. I have to take the time to wade through the insurance crap (that we pay dearly for…man it’s so expensive!) and do the work it takes.


Maybe she will be okay on her own. I’ve talked to lots and lots of only children and they say it’s all fine. I guess it’s sort of like when you don’t have children. There is part of you that freaks out thinking you’ll die alone but in reality there are children all around you. Whether they are your friend’s children or your nieces and nephews, there are always children. I know firsthand that I love my nieces and nephews like my own. You don’t die alone if you don’t want to.

Whatever way it goes I just need to buck up and enjoy this life while I have it. I have so much. I know I should keep these matters private. They are really. I don’t want to discuss fertility until the end of time. I have my books on the subject. I know what I need to do. I just sort of wanted a hug from someone during this scary bottom part of the emotional roller coaster ride.


I’m going to hold what I have tighter and tighter. I’m so thankful for her.


  • leslie

    i don’t know you in person….
    just sending you a hug:)

    and just hoping that you’ll be at peace with all the decisions you’re making!


  • Kuky

    Here’s a big hug!! EXTRA BIG! Because I know how you feel. I think that too, that I don’t want Isabelle do be alone. And I’m turning 35 next week. And in the back of my mind I’m thinking isn’t it at 35 when they start doing that amniocentesis test? That we wanted to be pregnant again before I was 35.

    And I feel bad even typing this but sometimes I get…I don’t know how to describe the emotion: sad and mad. Like when we were in Disneyland there was this family in front of us with 4 kids. And they were all hanging off the mom, all happy. And for a second there I just wanted to cry because well you know. And then mad at everything for a second because it’s not happening for us and I could kick myself because like you I’m not really doing anything about it.

    Sorry just babbling away. Here’s another HUG!

  • Banno

    A big hug! Even though you don’t know me, or I don’t know you, mothers everywhere around the world fret for one reason or the other. So, take care. And whatever you decide will be all right. Because you seem to be a caring, loving mother. And your daughter is really lucky to have you. Just as you are to have her.

  • deezie

    I know just how you are feeling, My sweet Abigail was your daughters age and I would look at her and just melt, thinking I wanted her to have someone, a brother or sister, I was your age and just didn’t know what to do. We tried and tried and ended up finally getting pregnant when I was 39. We had Belle and the joy this little one has brought me and most importantly her big sister is just unbelieveable. Go with your heart, your heart will tell you which way to go. And enjoy your precious one as each day comes

  • Heather

    Here’s a big hug for you. ::Squish!:: Best of luck in the “trying” department. It’s a funny thing isn’t it? You think you can’t possibly do any better than the little kid you already have and love. And you can’t possibly love another person the way you love her. But you can and you will. Her life is great now. It’ll be great whether or not you have another child as she has you.

  • Marla

    Aww, this post. You know I’m a fan, and I sent my regards to BlogHer with Nadine, but as an only child of an only child who has a (very likely) only child — I just wanted to offer some reassurance to you and all who fear their children will be “alone” if they don’t have a sibling. Not maybe – for sure, it’ll all be okay. Maybe even better than fine. And she’ll be fine with a sibling too. Or ten. Everyone is their own version of “fine”

    When I was little and wanted a sibling (on occasion – it was never some deep, unfulfilled ache, ever), I wanted company, not competition. And I wanted someone my own age, not someone younger or older. You can’t go back and have twins, can you? No? But my love of books, of drawing, of hours of imaginary play still sustain me. There’s a way of being alone but not being lonely.

    And now with Josephine, I work harder to give her time with great friends. I can see that like me, she has a bit of a hard time figuring out her place in a crowd, and her teachers say sometimes that comes with being an only child. So we figure out ways to deal with that too – but it goes with her personality whether or not she has a brother or sister.

    In my case, I’ve just had the discussion with my parents about their aging and their plans. It is contentious, because they haven’t planned well – but in my mother’s case it’s shocking because she couldn’t work with her two sisters well in caring for my Grandmother in her last stages of Alzheimer’s; and since her death, they no longer speak. Because of some horrible things they did, it’s like we no longer have an extended family. My father, the only child, has my mom, and me, and his work and hobbies and he’s happy in that his life is not devastated by the loss of anyone. My husband’s family is about to come over for Thanksgiving tomorrow, and they’re all in-fighting and awkward lately. His sisters had to call his parents for our address, because they only come over every couple of years when we host a holiday. There’s a residual closeness, but they all grew into very different people who wouldn’t even know each other if they weren’t siblings. There’s a small amount of heartache over that too – because of this, the cousins aren’t as close as Steve was with his (and I with mine) and so Josie isn’t getting a sense of that either. But she doesn’t miss what she never had, and so we’re just careful not to pass on our own regrets and stress.

    So I’m saying, having a brother or sister is no guarantee of anything – of love, closeness, comfort, support, friendship or company. While it was lovely to have crushes on my grade-school friend’s three older brothers and their friends, I’m so grateful to have avoided all the times they held her down and farted in her face. I’ve made choices (that have gotten better with age) to make my family the people I choose, not the people I was stuck with. But I had to learn that early on, and it served me well.

    Warm wishes for all the best, whatever comes to you.


  • Gayle

    Lots of hugs to you Brenda. I was on this roller coaster for seven years trying to get pregnant with my first child. It is a very emotional, difficult place to be. I know your pain. I’ll be thinking of you and praying for you.

  • Long Story Longer

    Hey :) Thanks for this post and thanks for talking about the stuff that is scary to talk about. I’m single and won’t be having kids, it looks like, so I do worry about (and idiots do bring up) dying “alone.” I love hearing your take on it. I’m going to remember this.

  • moo

    I know exactly how you feel. And even now that I *am* pregnant … I still wonder and worry if I’m doing the right thing. Because I am so, so in love with my son and I am lamenting the coming changes in our life.

    And yet I want him to have a sibling. Who knew it would be this hard?

  • Kim

    Damn! I would def think God would want everything you want bc you are such a Good MOM! So I don’t understand it either. Maybe BB is supposed to be like 7 yrs older than her sibling. Maybe it’ll be another reason that you’ll realize at some other time. What if… I pray you find peace whatever. I cannot imagine how difficult this is for you, the heartbreak. Consider yourself bearhugged!

  • Annika

    It is OK to want something even though you’ve already got it good. It doesn’t make you ungrateful! And just think – you did SO GOOD on making Baby Bug, the next one could be EVEN BETTER! (That’s total hyperbole, I don’t think anything could be better. But it stands to reason that another baby would be just AS good.)

  • Super Mommie

    My princess is 12 and I struggled with whether or not to give her another sibbling. I realized that I didn’t necessarily want another child, I wanted her to have someone else. I couldn’t afford another child and keep this one in a life of having what she needed and some/most of what she wanted. Another child would mean struggling. Was that fair to her. She will have friends, tons of friends. And there will be those “BFF’s” that will do everything with her (including fight and then makeup). Only children are lonely children unless we teach them to be that way. We have to teach then to be strong, and brave and give them the skills to make new friends. As long as we give them that, they will have tons of “sisters” and “brothers”.

  • Ady

    I lurk here a lot and love reading about Baby Bug. She is so cute. And I think you’re a fantastic mum. Here is a ***BIG HUG*** from way over the other side of the ocean.

  • Shawna

    I’m right there with you . . .but don’t already have a little one to occupy my mind. Everything happens–or doesn’t happen–for a reason.

    Oh, and get yourself to a doctor!

  • Sonja

    I’m seding you yet another hug. The not-getting-pregnant part is stupid, stupid, negative obsessive thought bog (to borrow the word of Bridget Jones). I’m sorry you’re going through this. All I can really say is that when I didn’t get pregnant when I really, really wanted to, it was because God had a job waiting for me. And He knew that “if I get pregnant I no longer have to look for a job” was a much bigger part of the reason why I wanted to be pregnant than it should have been. So all worked out for the better. (cue the emotional classical music violins)

  • Funky Monkey

    You brought tears to my eyes, again. I love that you share your emotions so freely. I think that’s what makes you and your blog so special and addicting.


    I was first drawn to your blog because of our similar paths in life- also waited for our BabyGirl for years and SOOO VERY Happy to have her, just a month younger than BabyBug (or is it ToddlerBug now?) I’m… wait, I had to count how old I am, LOL…. 34+ and this is my “last year” official before entering the “advanced maternal age” as they call it medically, and I wish to give my girl a sibling as well. Precisely because I did not have any and missed them all my life. But doing something about it so so stressful, if it doesn’t happen easily/ naturally.

    You’re right – what’s meant to be, is meant to be. YOU ARE BabyBug’s BFF for life. You are so close with her, and will be for the rest of your life. Later she will find a partner in life and have her own kids, that will be her family she can rely on. So, for now, continue being her BFF and look at that face with love like you do. I think your bond with her is pretty special.

  • Gramma

    First off…here’s my HUG, it’s a very big one because I care so much for you. I was an only child for eight years. Those years were precious because I had my mother to myself. I have fond memories of snuggling next to her on the sofa while she read to me, often and long. My dad was a surveyor and often was out of town during the week, leaving the two of us behind. Mother and I did everything together. We were best companions. But, when my brother arrived things changed and I was left pretty much on my own. I loved books and lost myself in them. I had no cousins and we had no close neighbor children.

    Your Grandpa was an only child. Early on in our life together we decided we wanted children, lots of them. BUT we were each told that would not be possible. He had had mumps at 16 and I had such a radical tilt to my uterus that it would be physically impossible. We relaxed and started investigation into adoption. You well know what has happened…after seven children I now have 17 grandchildren and 10 great-grandchildren. Two more are on the way.

    Just live one day at a time and enjoy the many opportunities you have with your little family.

  • Katherine

    Have another hug! I was an only child until I was 6 and I often look back fondly on the time when it was just me and my mum. Don’t get me wrong, there were times when I wanted a brother or sister, and I love all my brothers and sisters to bits, but those were special times.

  • the ambitious mrs

    Just a random commenter here wanting to say that your little Bug is so adorable. I know just what you mean about wanting to provide a companion for your little one (I have one little girl as well, just a little younger then Baby Bug). Now that you’ve talked to the internet about your struggle it might be time to find and talk to a doctor you trust. Good luck!

  • Janna from Honeyed Hashette

    I am sending a big hug to you.
    First, I completely understand that roller coaster of pregnancy. We have not officially started trying yet, but I have been off the pill for a while now. A few months I had an early miscarriage. The pregnancy wasn’t planned but it still got to me. Most of my friends have babies now and I find myself more and more wanting one of my own. A mini version of me and the man I love so much. I believe everything happens for a reason and that God’s plan is THE plan, so I am just trying to be patient. We plan to start trying in January. Really trying. It scares me, but I am so ready. I wish you all the best in trying.

    Second, I am an only child. I was never alone. I was never sad about being an only. I think my imagination and creativity grew because I had lots of time to use it. :) My mom made sure to have lots of play dates, slumber parties and get-togethers with cousins, friends and neighbors. I always had someone to play with.

    Don’t worry about Baby Bug. You are amazing parents and she will be perfectly wonderful as an only child. She will also be perfectly wonderful if you give her a sibling. Either way, you are helping her to embrace the amazing little person that she is. That is what is most important.

    Definitely time to make that Dr.’s appointment. It could be something as simple as you don’t know when you are ovulating or that you might not be ovulating. A good shot in the rear (literally) will get that going again. Everything is going to be fine and 36 is a great time to have a baby. If you have another he/she will be beautiful and healthy. I have lots of friends who are over 35 that have recently had babies. All are perfect.

    Sending lots of blessings and prayers your way!

  • Lori

    being happy and grateful for what you have while still pursuing your dream .. that sounds right to me. all my best wishes & love to you – xoxo

  • MO

    She is beautiful! 36 is a perfect number you still have a few years! It will happen when it’s meant to be:) With my litttle one being 4 months I wonder if I could even handle another later! ((Hugs))

  • sock mom

    I know it took some time to make Bug – it took a year and some to make my little man, and I’m about 2, 3 years older than you.

    god, the trying part SUCKS, I’m right with you on that. It takes all the fun out of it, and every month when you get your period, it is a big fat downer. I am so sorry you have been going through that.

    I struggle with whether or not we should try for a second child – taking care of the one pretty much consumes all we have and I don’t have time to wait until he gets much older. I would like little man to be part of a team as well, but who knows. Not all siblings bond, although I am very grateful for my two.

    whatever you decide to do or not do, please get yourself and Toby checked out, it can’t hurt, and may give you a little peace of mind.

  • Micaela

    Your baby bug IS perfect. I’m young and not ready for kids yet but when I look at your pictures of her I think that I can’t wait to have kids.

    As for siblings, I have four sisters who are everything in the world to me.. I don’t know what I’d do without them and I know they feel the same way. Then again, I also have many friends that I feel the exact same way about, who are like siblings to me. Baby bug will have no trouble making friends and she will be just fine no matter what. Having four sisters who are very very close in age, I was never all that close to my parents since they had five kids to raise and demanding jobs. We never had what you and Baby Bug have. There’s positives and negatives to every situation.

    Then again she’s SO cute that maybe the world needs another one of your beautiful babies!

  • LVGurl

    Whenever I see pictures of you and Baby Bug together, I am always moved by how close you two are and how special your bond is. It is so evident in your photos. I have two girls (as you know) and while it’s what I prayed for, the Only Child inside me sees how tight you and Baby Bug are and wonder if I can ever achieve that with my girls. Like what I had with my parents. I feel split in two some days.

    From the sidelines, it looks like you have a win-win: A wonderful daughter who will always be bonded to you, who will thrive as an only — if that’s what is meant to be — or will be a terrific big sister.


  • Tiffany

    She’s beautiful! Such a sweet little face. She reminds me of a doll I had as a little girl. Whatever happens, I wish both of you all the best. Thanks for sharing this post and the pictures of her.

  • Kaili

    I hear ya on wanting another baby. Doesn’t it feel like ever day that goes by you can’t push it aside anymore? I want our son to have siblings too! Bad! Real bad!
    All the very best to you. And Baby bug is ADORABLE, she will make a great big sister one day!

  • Jennifer

    HUGS HUGS HUGS. I get the sibling worries, so much. I had the same ones when dealing with infertility. I realize now that people don’t have to be related to form the same strong bonds. I’m praying that you are able to find peace in your journey. It’s so hard to get there.

  • cindy

    Not getting pregnant when you really want to is so hard, I know it. YOu are doing a great job and you have a great attitude. I am sending big hugs to you. :)

  • Sam

    Sending you another big hug – you are going to be virtually hugged out! It’s got to be tough, and I wish it were easier for you. Is it weird to say I’ll be thinking of you? Sending baby-making vibes your way? You know what I mean.

  • Calee

    Looks like there are lots of hugs out there for you! I’ll add my own and a little secret–another friend of mine is in the same boat and whenever I pray that she’ll have another baby, I add your name too. I’m sure you’ll be a great mama to bug and and another child if God sends one your way.

  • franticallysimple

    Brenda I have been there. My daughter is almost eight now and I went through a lot of fear and stress about making her an only. In the end though, I realized it was out of my hands. God has a plan for this family and it appears as though his plan does not include any other children. And it took some time, but I’m okay with that (usually). I blogged about it here: and here: if you are interested.)
    Now this is not to say you won’t have more, but only to say that ultimately it is out of your control. See a doctor, do what you can to help, and pray for comfort and peace. My prayer for you is that you may have as many children as will make you happy and that you will be happy with the number of children you have.
    Good luck and blessings.

  • mel

    Wowzers, you really touched a giant heartstring there for me! That is exactly what we are also going through, but it will be our first. Roller coaster ride is really the best way to describe it, I want a child desperatley, yet want to get of this ride! Thanks for not keeping it private, sharing how you really feel, its made me realize there are other souls out there like me…….;0)

  • Vanessa

    Only child here, and loves it. Matter of fact, my parents told me what sex was (no gruesome details but the basic premise of “how babies are made”) before kindergarten, and when I went over to a friend’s house and there was a screaming colic-y baby, I came home afterwards, marched into the kitchen, put my 5 year old hands on my hips and told my mom, “You and Dad better not be having sex because I do not want ANY babies in THIS house.”

    True story. My mom will vouch.

    But seriously, life as an only child is not as bad as people think it is. I’m a lot better at spending time by myself and amusing myself than some friends my age. I’m also a lot closer with my parents, because there was no competition for who they liked the most, or who they had the most in common with. I have very close friends that are like sisters and brothers, and one has a daughter who actually calls me Auntie.

    Whether or not Baby Bug has any siblings in her future, she’ll stay a wonderful girl. And she’s stinkin adorable too. Hugs for you.

  • BeachMama

    Brenda, I am sending you a wonderfully huge hug. I know and feel your pain, as I am sure so many of your other readers do. And yes, there is a plan for all of us, some of us just need a little medical intervention. If it weren’t for IVF, I would be childless and for two different reasons. The first time we needed it, there was one problem and the second time there was another. For some reason or another I was destined to have to work hard for my kids. And yes, I am so blessed and yes, I am so thankful for them. If it weren’t for the cost and drugs involved, I would do it again tomorrow.

    Many, many hugs to you and BB and Toby. If it is part of the plan then it will all come together.

  • lynne

    Another big hug from a log line of huggers. I wondered how things were going. I have no words of advice but big hug again, extra tight.

  • JennyC.No3

    Hugs all around! I feel your pain and can understand where you’re coming from. My little bundle of joy was a miracle for us. I got a call on my 21st bday from my Dr saying “yeah, sorry, you can’t have kids”, and she came to us totally unexpected and out of the blue 7 years later. We’ve tried to get pregnant and so far nothing has kept, but like you said … we’re hanging in there, holding on and hugging her tighter and tighter every day.

    Good luck and God bless. I’ll pray for the best!

  • josephine

    thank you everybody. you guys are something else. I wish you could all come over and have a cup of coffee and some pumpkin muffins.

    thank you. really.

  • OMSH

    Love you Brenda – I’m an only child and my life is RICH. I am like BB … with cousins galore and a deep love for family and extended family. SHE WILL BE FINE no matter. YOU WILL BE FINE no matter.