hanging on by a thread

same-kady

I’m showing up here because I blocked out the time to show up. I’m pretty much phoning it in, you could say. I’m so thankful that not that many people read anymore because this post would be ripe for some get-off-the-internet jabs. I don’t mean to share to fish for compliments or even seek charity because the reality of my situation is I put myself here. I think that’s why I’m so down. I thought I would be thriving by now but I’m not. I’m sleeping all the time which is freaking me out.

I even drove over to Payam’s today to have him check my blood sugar because I was convinced I had diabetes. Turns out I don’t. Yes, Payam and I are still friends and I’m so thankful for that. He is beyond long-suffering with me. Thankfully the sleepiness seems to ebb and flow and usually, after a really drag-ass day, I can pick myself up again and get back to work. Maybe this is just normal.

moody

Since nobody is policing what I share anymore I can record that I have a complex cyst on my left ovary. Maybe that is messing up my hormones and causing this latest grief. I am getting it checked out and so far everything seems okay. Has anyone ever mentioned that an endo biopsy is not pleasant?!!!  Oh my goodness, I felt like the doctor was prying me open with a screwdriver.  It was just as terrible as I worried it would be.  I haven’t heard the results yet but so far I have no real reason to worry too much.

I really got myself worked up over the endo biopsy. I was super afraid to go in for it and then when it happened and it was just as terrible as I imagined I started crying and I couldn’t stop. The poor doctor felt so bad for me. She kept handing me tissues and asking me if I needed ibuprofen. I didn’t. It was more the process and the anticipation that really got me and not so much the pain.

I think I had been stressed out over it for so long that when it finally came the dam broke. Then because of a comedy of errors I had to rush across town to a chiropractor appointment that I had immediately after. When I got there I could barely pull myself together. Thankfully the chiropractor is a crunchy-born-again-homeschooling-woo-woo healer so she was no stranger to weepy women seeking help. I put myself on her table and my head in the paper hole and the tears wouldn’t stop leaking out.

Then because I was trying so hard to stop crying I didn’t concentrate on my vice-grip back muscles that usually hold my back from cracking and KER-RACK-RACK-RACK CRACK CRACK CRACK! All my vertebrae in my middle back just ripped back into where they should have been. I have been trying to crack the middle of my back for years!! Who knew some crying would loosen me up just enough to make it finally happen. It felt amazing. By now my crying was pretty obvious and I couldn’t hide it anymore. The paper on my face was soaked. The chiropractor said that often our body gets rid of bad things by crying and that’s why I finally got properly aligned. I’m not sure about the accurate scientificness of this theory but I’ll take it. Whatever works.

my-golfcourse

So my back is great. It’s been not great for so long. I bought a new purple bed for our new apartment hoping it was Payam’s bed that was causing all my pain for the last few years but then it seemed the new bed even made it worse.  I was worried I had made a bad purchase and here I am still stuck paying payments on it but maybe the bed is fine and I just had myself out of whack from moving and carrying heavy furniture and maybe… just maybe some stress has had me hunched over like my Aunt Lois who had the elephant man disease.

When did this blog turn into an old lady blog who complains about her ailments? I know the answer to that one. When my cute little kid grew up and I can’t talk about her daily antics anymore! I miss little Bug so much. Don’t get me wrong. I love Bug as a teen but I really miss being a young mom. Last night I dreamt that I was playing with a popular Instagram influencer’s toddler and we were having so much fun. I was making houses out of cardboard boxes and cutting mail slots for pretend letters to go through. We were having puppet shows and I was letting her ride on my back…then I woke up and I was really sad that I don’t know this little girl in real life.

Many people have commented to me that they feel like they know me and Bug from reading this blog for so many years and I guess I know how you feel. I see that Instagrammer’s kid every day and I feel like she’s part of my life so I dream about her but if I ever met her in real life she’d probably run from me.  I need to cut back on my phone scrolling. What else is new? When I was talking to a psychiatrist the other day she told me that one in three people are on antidepressants. On one hand that’s awesome that antidepressants are helping so many people but on the other, what is wrong with this world that a third of us are depressed?! That is really depressing.

jack-car-randa-season

So let’s look at some purple trees instead. I love that it is jacaranda season. It’s really odd to be depressed in spring. The days are beautiful. I guess I should be thankful I’m not trudging through this in winter.

mothersday2022

Mother’s Day was yesterday. Bug spent the day with me which was really sweet. She’s not usually one to think outside her own bubble so I was especially touched that she was making a day about me. That day started at noon since she slept in but I didn’t hold it against her. It’s not like I had any plans and if anyone knows anything it’s that teenagers sleep all day long. So we had breakfast for lunch and Bug gave me a special mug that she made in ceramics. Then we painted and that made me really happy. I painted a self-portrait and one of Bug. They are both pretty bad.  I’m not sharing the one of me but you can see the one of Bug where it looks like she had a Micheal Jackson nose. I’ll fix it if I ever get around to it. I think it’s okay to not be great at painting. I want to paint another portrait like it again next year and see how much better I get. I know if I paint regularly I will.

I might be depressed but at least I’m still making plans!

Speaking of plans. I’m turning 50 in July and for the life of me, I can’t put a party together. One day I’m bursting with ideas and then the next day I scrap them all. So if you get an invite from me on the week of you’ll know what happened.

The Snowstorm and the Cabin

 

the-ponnay-sedehi-2021-cabin-fail-01

Before I can blog about the amazing sweet-sixteen trip to Seattle, I must blog about the incredible but sadly truncated adventure to a cabin in the snow. It was a doozy. Not all bad but definitely one for the books.

up-the-hill-we-go

The thing about booking a cabin for a winter holiday is that you need to reserve it well in advance. Summer is best. August at the latest because all the cabins that allow dogs get booked up pretty quick and for me, going with dogs is the WHOLE REASON I go to the snow. Have you seen my dogs in the snow? It’s a sight of pure joy. When I booked this cabin I had no idea it would be in the middle of a storm. How could I? I mean, I know it’s always a possibility, I’ve just been lucky before.

We watched the weather patterns feverishly as our trip drew near. It was the talk of the table during our Christmas dinner. Providently there was a break in the weather in the early hours of the day of our trip.  We weren’t supposed to show up until afternoon but we figured we better get there early to avoid slipping off the side of the mountain in the middle of a storm.

mighty-payam

We made it! Well, technically we made it to the road below our cabin. The driveway to our cabin was not plowed and there was no driving up it because it was super steep, even for a 4×4 with chains.  That meant we had to park on the road below our cabin and hoof it up a steep hill through the snow for about five hot sweaty minutes. It was not for the faint of heart!  I however have been working out regularly for the last three months and it was just a *mere challenge* for me. (humblebragpfbltkjsklt…) My family on the other hand was a bit winded and not too pleased. I shrugged off their complaints and told them they needed to toughen up and enjoy “the snow experience.”  Yeah, everybody loves Vacation Brenda, obviously.

home-sweet-cabin

Finally, we stumbled into our cabin stamping snow off our feet and shedding layers like they were going out of style. Payam built a roaring fire, I mixed up some hot chocolate and we cuddled up in our cozy pajamas and pretended we were bears about to hibernate. It was all very charming.

whiskey-star

That night it snowed and snowed. At first, I loved it.  There is nothing like looking up from your cozy bed and seeing snow flurries flying sideways past your window. I’ve never really done that before and it felt magical. Except in the back of my head, I was starting to have this nagging worry about what we were going to do over the next couple of days as the storm continued and we didn’t really have an exit strategy let alone a three days snowed-in strategy.

In the past, I’ve always over-packed and everyone hated me for having to heft boxes of food up and down hills for meals we never cooked because we ended up going into town for pizza or something so I thought I’d be smart this time and pack super light. We packed snacks for the road and leftovers for dinner but that wasn’t going to last us for days and days.

I had noticed that our Airbnb hosts had some frozen vegetables in the freezer so we wouldn’t starve to death or anything but it wasn’t looking good for my picky eaters. But my big fear was how would we get down the mountain if it was really storming? Would we skid off the road on black ice? What about Payam and the fall he had last time? What if we needed to get to the hospital and we were snowed in? You know how anxiety-brain works. I couldn’t get the worries out of my brain.

snow-snow-snow-all-over-us

The next morning I called the Airbnb hosts and asked if we could stay longer in order to wait out the storm. They were reluctant because they had more guests coming right on the heels of our departure. It was a tough spot to be in.  Stay and risk being snowed in or go early and sacrifice the fun trip we had planned so many months ago.

I discussed my fears with Payam and sadly he agreed. We better leave early and be safe instead of sorry. Payam and I are true Southern Californians with thin blood and a healthy fear of actual weather. Neither of us had ever put chains on before. We didn’t even have any before this year. I’m so lucky that my dad hunted some down for us just days before we left because sure enough, we needed them.

digging-out

During a break in the storm Bug and I tracked down the hill and shoveled out our truck from the night’s storm and what the snowplow pushed up against it when they plowed.  The truck was buried under a good two or three feet of chunky frozen snow. We hammered and shoveled and dug ourselves out like *super troopers*. It only took a few minutes and then we went back up the hill to start carrying our suitcases and many layers of coats and blankets and dog gear down the hill. We used our host’s sled and it was pretty quick work. Payam rested because he tweaked his knee on a near fall on some black ice. Yes, he did fall again but he’s okay.

Do I feel like an idiot for continuing to try to take my family to the snow? Yes, I do. I do feel defeated. Maybe it’s just not meant to be.

of-course-the-dogs-thought-it-was-amazing

But it wasn’t all sad. We let the dogs out and they loved it like I knew they would.

playin-in-the-snow

I made a TikTok or two about the beauty of it all.

fashion-snowflake

The kids took their photos and bragged on their social media. It wasn’t a total loss.

snow-crew

The snow was so pretty and we did really love it. It just wasn’t the trip I had planned. If 2020 and 2021 have taught me anything it’s how to deal with disappointment. I’m still not an expert at handling disappointment but I know it when I see it and this was a good old-fashioned helping of pandemic style disappointment.

We fit in a few more snowball fight photos and then packed it in.

snow-ball

snow-dog

Goodbye snowy mountains.

risk-averse

We weren’t winners at who-gets-to-have-the-best-winter-vacation but we got home safe and alive and nobody slipped off the side of the mountain or drove their truck like a boat into the cars in front of them. We got home safe and sound and just a little bit sad.