Today was a no-nap day. Between the no-napping and the constant chorus of “Why? Why? Why?” and “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” I thought I was losing my mind. I was also trying to get some extra chores done and it seemed like every single member of my household was resistant to me making any progress, even the cats. Sometimes I just want to throw up my hands and leave for a day and see how they fare without me.
So I did. Sort of.
I was arguing with Toby over something or other and he was using his Jedi mind tricks on me where he scrambles my thoughts. No matter how valid my points are (and believe me they are!) I cannot make an argument go further than a sputter with him. I hate it when he does this to me. You don’t even know how many times I’ve wished I had my own personal moderator to plead my case.
I think I’m quite good at debating. I use to argue circles around my ex and I come from a long line of outspoken German-Irish hotheads. I’m not usually one to hold my tongue so this sputtering makes me mighty uncomfortable. I guess I married my match and it is so frustrating.
There I was arguing and losing hopelessly. Bug was interjecting her two cents every other second and the floor was distracting me with the zillion and one threads left on it from my latest fix-the-couch-cushions sewing project. I think the cat even threw in a yowl. I just couldn’t take it anymore so I flipped.
I quietly screamed, “I need a break!” I grabbed my purse and stomped out of the house in a huff.
Now, I don’t usually do this. I used to all the time before Bug was born but now with our new arrangement where I am the primary caregiver for our child, I can’t just up and have a temper tantrum whenever I choose to. I miss those temper tantrums. I miss dropping meaningful expletives and slamming doors. I’m just one pent-up angry misunderstood woman these days and I can’t even blog about my feelings because my whole family reads and I need to keep things upbeat and cheerful or else I get worried phone calls.
So I sat in my car and thought about where I should go. To the movies? To Santa Barbara? Mexico? I didn’t know what to do. I drove around the block and thought in blessed silence. I still didn’t know what to do so I kept on driving. I got as far as the local theatre and checked the movie showing times before the guilt set in.
I could hear Bug’s voice in my head saying, “You don’t need a break from me, do you mommy?” I thought of her crying and missing me. She would be scared and what if Toby didn’t really know how to comfort her? I know he’s a good dad and technically they would be fine for at least a day without me but I just knew I wouldn’t be able to enjoy a movie while I was worrying about her in the back of my mind.
And what about Toby? What if he had work he was planning on doing? What if my silly outburst put him even more behind schedule than he already is? We’ve been under some financial stress lately (like everyone these days), what if I was compounding our problems?
So I turned around and headed home. Some huff. I didn’t even last fifteen minutes.
When I got home you’ll never guess what I found. The furniture was all rearranged and Toby was on the floor with the vacuum cleaner up-ended. He had replaced the overflowing bag and was extracting five years’ worth of hair from the roller. Not only was he going to vacuum the whole house but he was fixing my poor tired vacuum cleaner too. Bug was nowhere to be found because she was “hiding” from Daddy and the big scary vacuum. Her laughter gave her away though and I found her naked under the covers in her room. Silly kid. She didn’t miss me at all.
I walked back into the living room and sputtered. Tears were leaking out of my eyes. I tried to explain myself to Toby but he cut me short.
“I love you Bren,” he said. “Go get yourself a passion iced tea.”
A passion iced tea? I don’t even like passion iced tea. But I didn’t argue. They only sell passion iced tea at one place that I know of and that place is Starbucks. So I left and went to get myself a passion iced tea. I also got two shots of espresso but Toby doesn’t have to know about that. I figured I was going to need it since today was going to be a very long no-nap day.
I sat in the sun outside Starbucks and drew in my book until my tea was gone. It was nice. I unloaded all my negative thoughts into my book. I drew myself fat. Then I drew myself with really really really long legs as if that would solve all my problems. I drew and drew and drew. And then I missed my family so I went home. Home to a freshly-vacuumed clean house.
If only every no-nap day could end like this.