the great illness of 06


I have to admit I’m scared. I can see my bones popping out in the mirror. I like being skinny but I feel like the character in Thinner who just keeps getting skinnier and skinnier after a gypsy curses him. I’ve already lost 12 pounds in just one week and two days. It’s not right. Starvation diets never work. You always gain it back and then some.

I don’t even care about that though. I’m just scared I’m going to keep losing and losing and then I’ll start blacking out and then what? I’m just plain scared. I’m not ready to be admitted to the hospital yet. There are so many bad habits I have to train out of the baby before I let someone else take care of her full time. No nanny or babysitter will wake up with her four and five times a night just to sit with her and attempt to nurse with boobs that have no milk. She won’t take a bottle. She hates formula. No nanny is going to understand her silly pacifier ritual we go through. I haven’t written down all the important things on the grocery list like what size diaper she wears and that she doesn’t like any store bought baby food that has potatoes or peas in it.

Maybe it’s just the odd hour. Maybe it’s that I’m up at five am and it’s dark and the long fingers of nightmare-land still grip my brain. I dreamt all night long that a small dog (a min pin to be exact) was trying to shoot me with a gun. I also dreamt about loved ones dying and planning parties that got all screwed up because everyone came on the wrong day. The things that scare me…

I guess I’m scared because at my doctor’s visit yesterday she dropped the “C” word. She said there was no reason to even be afraid of getting stomach cancer but that I did have some H. pylori bacteria show up on my blood test and it would be a good idea to get rid of it because in some cases it does lead to stomach cancer. But all I heard was CANCER. Am I’m dying of stomach cancer?!!! I was just kidding before!

It’s most likely an ulcer or gallbladder stones or even still a rogue virus. She said it’s not food poisoning because usually the vomiting only lasts for two to three days. I’ve been vomiting for a week and two days. I finally figured out how to stop throwing up: stop eating. No food=no puke. Sounds like a plan. Except I can feel myself getting weaker and weaker and weaker. I can’t go on like this much longer.

And that is why my doctor moved my abdominal ultrasound up to 9am this morning. I just have to hang in there for four more hours and hopefully there will be some answers and some medication that won’t harm the baby through breast feeding. Hopefully things will get better.

But hey, look on the bright side! Only twelve more pounds and I’ll be down to what I weighed in high school! This ain’t no sinusitus anymore.


  • silver

    This may be a stupid question, but have you taken a pregnancy test? You’re throwing up and losing weight as quickly as I do when I’m pregnant.

    Hope you feel better soon and that whatever it is, it isn’t cancer.

  • Gidget

    I had these exact symptoms – was the gallbladder, and my baby was about the same age. It was so hard to cope! Hopefully the ultrasound will tell the tale and you will get it taken care of – take care.

  • Tiff

    Have they tested you for Crohn’s disease? Before my husband was diagnosed, he was throwing up a lot, losing a lot of weight, and just very very sick. They removed his gallbladder, but he had the same symptoms after he recovered. Crohn’s is apparently often misdiagnosed.

  • Heather

    Well it is 9:06am here in Oklahoma and I hope everything is alright. I don’t really know what to say to make you feel better, more than likely nothing I say will. But I’ll keep you and Baby Bug in my thoughts.

  • Lin

    xoxoxox thinking of you. I know this has to be so tough. You’re a strong girl and I’m sure you’ll be fine, but in the meantime, kid, hang in there.

  • Jennifer

    Thinking of you. Sorry you have so many worries right now. You made my heart melt with your worries about someone else not knowing Baby Bug as you do. I’ve had those thoughts about my babes before.

  • Gramma

    Wish there was some way I could help make you feel better. It is so trite to say “Hurry up and get well.” I know you would if you could. Your mom took me to the hearing aid place yesterday so with some minor adjustment I can hear again. She spoke about going in to get you again.

  • Marissa

    I am sure your family is praying for you right now, and that Toby will take over if you need him to. Maybe take a nice drive to the beach before your appt?

  • BeachMama

    Thinking of you today, hoping everything goes well at the ultrasound. Everything works out when you need it to the most. If you need the help Toby and your family (Mom, Brother, Sister-in-Law) will all be there and will know exactly what you would do with Baby Bug. Although it is great to be skinny, there are limits to skinny. Our prayers are with you.

  • stavroula

    I’m so sorry to hear that you are feeling depleted and scared. You are doing the right thing by getting checked quickly; it will probably not be long before you know what is going on & then you will know what to expect and what help you might need (including getting your Baby Bug loved and taken care of if/when you cannot). Even I, who only read your blog & don’t know you in real life, know that there are lots of people who love you & will do whatever they can for you & BB.

    Sending good thoughts your way.

  • MamaBear

    Dear SAJ, I hope you’re feeling better soon!

    How is Baby Bub? If she can’t feed on your milk, I hope she takes on to the bottle soon! It’s bad enough you’re sick I hope BabyBug will eat!

    SAJ, can you drink soups? Like chicken noodle even without the noodlles, or tomato? If your stomach can handle that it would be a good way to get some nutrition into you. How about veggie juices or something like that?

    Worrying won’t do you any good. Try to keep positive! You don’t feel any pain, do you? That should be a good sign. Sounds like you are in good hands – doctor’s. Can’t wait for the update from you.

    Kisses and hugs to little Baby Bug and Kikki and I hope you feel better soon!

  • jailgy

    I’ve always associated H. pylori with ulcers not cancer. Your dad was plagued with ulcers. You may be genetically predisposed that way. An ulcer, therefore, seems likely. The medicine people have only recently discovered the link between the germ and the ulcers and are beginning to treat accordingly. Cancer is a long shot so don’t worry about it ’til you know for sure. I know, easier said than done, but worry and stress is not good for ulcers. Our prayers are for you.

  • jo

    Hope you work out what it is and get better soon – having a child makes you feel very vulnerable when sick, and I know it increases the worry enormously, but remember you have a partner who cares for you and bug and a wonderful family who’ll come to the rescue if needed. Take care.

  • Bethany

    Praying for you [prayingprayingprayingpraying] and hoping you get better soon and that Baby Bug stays healthy!!!

  • Amy

    oh my gosh. this sounds awful. my sisters bf has been in the hospital for 10 days now and they can’t figure out what is wrong with him. last night we might have solved the mystery. exposure to mold in his office at work for over 3 years. have you been exposed to mold? just a thought. i don’t think it makes you puke though. i hope you get better and that weight thing doesn’t make it sound so bad.

  • Sheree

    I really hope they give you an answer after your u/s this morning. Nothing is worse that *not knowing* what is wrong. Even when it’s something bad, it’s better to know IMO. Hopefully it will be something not so bad- someone mentioned the gallbladder- my SIL had that and her symptoms were similar to yours. Out came the gallbladder and she felt 150% better!

    Hang in there.

  • aunt kathy

    Is that a trick mirror? I’m afraid of your answer. You look so skinnnnnnnny. Get better quick. I’ll be praying for you. Wish I could come down and help.