I’m actually blogging with a box over my head. If you could only see me. It’s a little hot and breathy in here but I can see my screen! This is all very silly and yet it’s getting me down. Let me explain.
You know how we have a whole wall of windows in our house? I love them. They are the best. Everything is always so happy and bright in our house because the sun is always shining. It’s even pretty bright here on rainy days.
This is great except during Baby Bug’s afternoon nap when I want to work on my laptop. Then I cannot see anything on my laptop screen because the bright happy sun is reflecting off my screen and rendering everything a dull shade of gray. I cannot see color, I cannot look at my photos, I cannot illustrate or work. All I can do is read blogs and while that’s all fine and good, I don’t want to read blogs! I want to make stuff. I want to catch up on my work. I want to blog!
Long story short it’s getting me down. Every day I go through this. Every day I sigh as yet another day of attempting to work goes down the toilet and Baby Bug comes walking around the corner with her messy nap hair. I tell myself, it’s okay. I’ll just drink a bunch of coffee and stay up all night and catch up. Well, guess what. That doesn’t work anymore. I’ve become completely immune to coffee! Apparently my body doesn’t feel stressed anymore it feels sleepy and it wants to sleep all the time.
Yesterday I had a latte (from Starbucks so it should be full strength) at seven p.m. (!!!) and I still fell asleep at eight when I was putting Baby Bug to sleep! I think I could sleep with an iv of coffee hooked up to me. I’m just immune. Time to (gasp) go off coffee.
I know everyone is going to offer all kinds of solutions like: get curtains, have Toby put Baby Bug down, teach Baby Bug to go to sleep by herself… etc. etc. You might as well just save them because they are not an option. This is my battle and I have to fight it.
So I have a box over my head and I’m blogging.
That is not the whole story though. I’m in a lull. Blogging is not making me as happy as it used to. Why, I don’t know because it’s more rewarding now than it has ever been. I think I’m finally becoming one of those moms who just doesn’t have time any more and frankly, it’s pissing me off.
I’ve always gotten emails from mothers asking me how I fit it everything in. I usually just shrugged them off and said something about not needing as much sleep or something. But maybe I do need more sleep. I’m sleeping more and more and more. I feel like I’m depressed but I have nothing to be depressed about. Well, other than my mother-in-law saga and struggling with the fact that middle-age is upon me and I’m not seventeen anymore but that’s just life. I’ve dealt with much heavier issues.
So I don’t know. I just wanted to check in and say hi, I’m struggling. I don’t know where I’m going. I hope my old enthusiasm comes back. Baby Bug is as cute as ever. (Which by the way I should write a post about how we got rid of the high chair. Maybe I will do that next.) But I just wanted to be honest with you guys and say that when you see me not blogging for three days or more, this is what is going on. Let’s just hope it’s a funk and it passes like all those other funks.