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In a Funk in Hemet
I’ve been in a funk lately. I have it scheduled on my google calendar to watch for seasonal depression this time of year (and not let it sneak up on me like it has in the past) and I think it’s happening even when I live out in the desert where the sun shines. The mornings are foggy lately. Sometimes it burns off to be a bright pretty day and that cheers me up but I’ve lost that lovin’ feeling I had when I first moved here. I still love it here. I’ve just been feeling stagnant. Maybe I just miss the Bay Area and Matt.
I still get up and attempt my daily routines. I rescued a lizard that had gotten stuck in a metal trash can. He was so cold in the morning that he stayed on my lap until he warmed up. Then he scampered off without even saying goodbye or thank you. I like to think he remembers me but he probably doesn’t.
It IS pretty here! What is my problem??? I think someday I should organize an artist retreat in the spring so morning people like me can go sketch flowers or desert life. I wish I had a sketch club out here but no luck so far. I do have a book club that meets once a month for snacks and not reading books.
Inky makes life better. He makes my nose stuffed up in the morning but his purrs are worth it.
I was out in the back yard taking pictures of my Barbie dolls when I heard my mom tell my dad that I was off “playing with my dolls.” They think it’s cute. I think I’m a little pathetic. I don’t play with them per se… I just pose them and take pictures for instagram. Is that more grown-up? Who knows. I have such a weird life here. I’m half retired. I’m half loser. I clean houses for money and I cook and clean for my parents. I goof off with dolls and do hobbies when I’m not mopping floors and cleaning catboxes like Cinderella. I miss my kid who used to be my full-time job but she’s off being independent and wonderful. I don’t know…I just feel lost.
Mmmmm… springtime orange blossoms, the scent of my childhood.
It’s been gray lately. All the images above depress me. I’m not bored of the desert, I still love it but I feel stuck. Not having a car makes me dependent on other people and I feel like I’ve lost hours and hours of freedom. I miss my car. I really loved her.
Bug did surprise me with an early Mother’s Day date when I was in Orange County. I was so surprised when she showed up with the prettiest Trader Joe’s bouquet and a little pink tote bag. I am spoiled.
One project I’ve completed lately is this letterpress tray – shadow box painting job. I read somewhere that these old letterpress letter trays will be the most coveted interior design piece in 2025 and I thought, hmmm! I’ve seen them over the years and never really felt the need for one but once I saw that article, it haunted me. I priced them on eBay and Facebook Marketplace and they seemed expensive. I told my friend Tamie and she hunted down a bunch of them for me. Now I’m owner of seven letterpress trays! I didn’t want to paint them, they are so charming in their old wooden patina but since I have so many, it took some of the guilt away. So now I have a place to keep all those tiny toys that seem to magically collect around my computer monitor. I’m not sure it’s really my thing but I do love miniatures. I need to cut out some of the boxes so my Lego figurines don’t have to lay sideways but the funk has kind of taken the steam out of my motivation.
Hopefully next post I’ll be back to my happy self.
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Bright New Beginnings
I’ve been sad for so long. It was my normal. I could “I’m fine” my way through it and even fool myself when I wasn’t fine at all. Every day, I had this lead feeling in my chest about this or that perceived failure. I feel like I’m finally stopping and catching my breath, and I can feel that heavy feeling lifting. I feel happiness creeping in more and more. I think I’m finally going to be okay and start getting better. I don’t want to taunt fate but I feel like I finally reached bottom and the only way is up now. Up is looking really possible. Every morning I wake up feeling optimistic. The sun is literally shining on me every day and I am recharging my batteries.
Freezing cold sun, though! It’s okay. I finally get to wear all the jackets, coats, and sweaters I never wore while living near the ocean. I live in the high desert now, and it gets below-freezing some nights. I know this is nothing compared to what other parts of the country deal with, but for me, it is chilly! But that doesn’t stop me from enjoying the cold sunrises. I bundle up and drink it in.
This is a picture post but I do have a bigger point I will get to at the bottom. I just wanted to share the lemons I’ve been picking. One day I got a bug up my butt and trimmed some bushes in the backyard that were hanging over the fence. I worked up an actual sweat and rewarded myself with real homemade lemonade. There is nothing like fresh, homemade lemonade after a sweaty task. I drank three glasses in a row.
Later, I made these lemon cookies for the neighbors, who kindly lent me a backup battery to charge my phone when the power was out for three days. It’s fun to be baking again. But get this: my parent’s oven is awful! Figures. Now, when I have all the time in the world and can bake because it’s a great way to heat the house, their oven doesn’t work properly. There is something wrong with the thermostat, and it takes forever to get to the temperature. If I want to bake at 350, I have to set it to 400 and wait half an hour for it to get hot enough. It’s okay, though. I’ll get used to it.
One day, I walked out to the backyard to watch the sunset and saw tell-tale smoke. This is why the power has been shut off so often lately. We’re lucky if we can get through three days without it shutting off. But I’m thankful. My parents live in a high-risk fire area. I’d rather pretend I’m camping Little-House-on-the-Prairie-style any day than deal with evacuation and losing everything. Thankfully, the fire was across town, and the wind was blowing in the opposite direction, so we didn’t have to evacuate. But it was scary. Smoke and flames strike fear in all of us.
That night the winds were fierce. All night I heard them blowing and the sounds of metal stretching.
The next day, Cody and I walked around the neighborhood and saw all the damage. The windmill in our backyard unscrewed itself. A battery off my dad’s chop saw flew across the patio, and tree branches were everywhere. Patio chairs were in the street, trash cans were tipped and blown, and tumbleweeds were wedged into places they don’t normally go. It made me thankful for a solid safe house to sleep in.
That brings me to my big point: I am really thankful to my parents for the shelter and love they are giving me right now. They are so happy to have someone cook and clean; I am glad to do that. Finally, I feel appreciated for doing something easy and it comes naturally. I love projects. I love home makeovers. I love the sense of accomplishment I feel when cleaning and cooking. I’ve given myself the grace to take it easy and start over. Of course, my money problems are far from over, but I don’t have to worry about being evicted. The worst has already happened, and I’m okay. All the late fees and overdraft notices have come, and I’m still alive. There is peace in giving up. I’ve done my best. I gave it the best fight I could.
I’m so lucky to have a safety net to fall into. I didn’t think I would. I thought I was on my own. My parents were always the ones struggling, and I used to help them, but now the tables have turned, and they are helping me. There is something so wonderful about being taken in by your own family. I don’t mean to be bragging about it when I know so many people don’t have family who love them unconditionally. I thought I was so poor. I thought I was a failure, but this huge lesson has taught me how rich I am. I’ve learned the most significant lesson. Finally, I see what so many people have been trying to tell me. I have so much to be thankful for.
I like being a caregiver. I always have been, from super auntie to mommy blogger extraordinaire to empty-nest pet owner… This is me. Now I’m caring for my parents and am good at it! I’m sure we’ll have our hurdles, and I’ll be thankful for my quick trips to visit Matt and other friends, but I can feel my depression lifting. I’m excited about building my way back.
I have hope.