Here’s my latest exercise in failure acceptance. It’s so pathetic that I’ve been given this amazing opportunity to have an art gallery showing (for a charity) but I don’t even paint! I mean, I have painted through the years but it’s not my passion. I don’t deserve this. I’ve had friends who painted twelve hours a day and had to be reminded to eat, they loved painting so much. Because I know I don’t deserve this, I am full of insecurity and feeling mighty intimidated. I don’t want to back out but I just don’t think I’m up to snuff.
I seriously think my niece Rapunzel could do a better job. I’m hoping that I can dazzle people with quantity instead of quality. Or maybe the silliness of my cartoonish style will show through and you’ll excuse the thick wobbly lines and smudgy edges. Part of me likes the messiness of these paintings. But part of me knows I can’t really get famous for it. It’s not like I’m trained to paint like Norman Rockwell but I just paint like a five year old for the fun of it. I just need practice. Like years and years of practice. But I don’t have five years. I have two months.
Now that I’m writing this, I realize it seems like I’m fishing for compliments. I’m really not. I’m just voicing my insecurity, hoping to take you all along on my journey towards this gallery showing that is probably going to happen whether I’m ready or not. Everybody likes drama right?
I don’t have a lot to blog about today… which makes me wonder if I should blog at all. Should I just leave well enough alone with an old post or blather on about the state of normality?
I started on some more paintings and even though all I did was put the base coat down, I feel a lot better about that looming deadline. Too many looming deadlines does not a happy girl make. Yesterday was a super productive day. It must be the caffeine. I’m up to two cups of coffee and one glass of black iced tea a day now. Yikes! But, hey, dinner was cooked before 7pm, the baby was bathed AND the dishes were done by eight. I also mopped the floor. I usually fail those deadlines miserably. For a victory dance, I took a shower (Wow. Needed it.) and then painted. Since I was still wide awake at midnight (which is never good. Hello 5am) I worked on my colossal redesign of this site that will probably take five years to finish.
I love web design and hate it at the same time. It just takes so long and I can never get it done. And I don’t even do the coding! I just design it and bribe one of my web designer friends to put it all together for me. Even still, by the time I near the end of my vision, I’ve changed my mind and have to start all over again. I’m on phase 7 right now of a design that has NEVER even seen the light of day. Phase 7!
Maybe that doesn’t sound like I’m balancing things. But in reality, I am. The web re-design project has been a list item on my electronic sticky notes since forever. I’m super happy that I finally knocked the 57 items above it off so I can work on something that is really important to me. I’m soooo sick of the pink and black theme. But don’t get your hopes up that something new and fresh is coming to saj.com any time soon. These things take time. So much tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!