Pregnancy Watch 28 weeks

Hmmm… what to report for 28 weeks. Well, she’s moving a lot. You know how a lot of mom’s swear their kid is going to be a soccer player because they kick so much. I think my kid is going to be an interior decorator because her movements are big and sweeping. They are not quick and athletic. I think she’s moving furniture in there. I should have illustrated her moving my stomach around or switching places with my spleen and my intestines instead of furniture but it feels like furniture. I think she’s saying, “hmmm… it would look so much roomier in here if we moved mom’s gall bladder over there. And those intestines, they need to be boxed and stored. Can I get some rubbermaid dividers puleeze?!! We need some proper feng shui in here people!” Scrape, scoot, scrape, scoot scoot…

Things are not so bad though. In spite of the shocking movements now and then, I’m not in any major pain. The only pain that really bothers me is when I’m trying to sleep. I don’t know what my hips are doing but I think they are slowly dislocating. I feel like an old German Shepherd. When I sleep, I feel like they are just going to pop right out of their joints. No position, except on my back which is forbidden because they say it puts pressure on a major artery supplying blood to the baby, relieves the pain. Every night I have a battle with myself. Relieve the pain and starve my baby of blood or sleep on my side and bite my tongue off because it hurts so bad. I really hope I’m not starving my baby of blood but I have to give in once in a while. I don’t think I lay on my back more than 20 minutes a night but I really have no idea. It’s just crazy making. No amount of pillows between my legs seems to make a difference. I think I am just deformed.

I’ve always had trouble with my hips. I wish I had an xray of them because I swear they are not like other people’s. I remember doing yoga (long before I was pregnant) and not being able to do some poses just because if I did, I would crumple and fall to the floor. I really wonder what is going on in there now. Sometimes when I get up I hear strange popping sounds. I know my ligaments are getting softer to make room for baby but I really wish I could see what is really happening. I’m worried that I’m going to expand and expand and expand and I’ll never fit my old jeans again. I was already pretty hippy as it is.

You know the irony of having good “breeder hips”. They don’t always necessarily mean you are a good “breeder”. I bet Toby’s thinking he got a bad deal when he picked me to be the mother of his kids. From looking at me, you’d think I could pop out kids like a factory. But I have an Aunt who is twice as hippy as me and she had to have FOUR cesarians. Why? Because her birth canal was too narrow. So big hips aren’t always good for having kids. And now that it looks like I have a fibroid tumor in the way of having a baby, I’ll probably have to have a cesarian also. These hips are good for nothing. Except keeping my pants up. But I’d trade them for a good belt any day.