hanging on by a thread
I’m showing up here because I blocked out the time to show up. I’m pretty much phoning it in, you could say. I’m so thankful that not that many people read anymore because this post would be ripe for some get-off-the-internet jabs. I don’t mean to share to fish for compliments or even seek charity because the reality of my situation is I put myself here. I think that’s why I’m so down. I thought I would be thriving by now but I’m not. I’m sleeping all the time which is freaking me out.
I even drove over to Payam’s today to have him check my blood sugar because I was convinced I had diabetes. Turns out I don’t. Yes, Payam and I are still friends and I’m so thankful for that. He is beyond long-suffering with me. Thankfully the sleepiness seems to ebb and flow and usually, after a really drag-ass day, I can pick myself up again and get back to work. Maybe this is just normal.
Since nobody is policing what I share anymore I can record that I have a complex cyst on my left ovary. Maybe that is messing up my hormones and causing this latest grief. I am getting it checked out and so far everything seems okay. Has anyone ever mentioned that an endo biopsy is not pleasant?!!! Oh my goodness, I felt like the doctor was prying me open with a screwdriver. It was just as terrible as I worried it would be. I haven’t heard the results yet but so far I have no real reason to worry too much.
I really got myself worked up over the endo biopsy. I was super afraid to go in for it and then when it happened and it was just as terrible as I imagined I started crying and I couldn’t stop. The poor doctor felt so bad for me. She kept handing me tissues and asking me if I needed ibuprofen. I didn’t. It was more the process and the anticipation that really got me and not so much the pain.
I think I had been stressed out over it for so long that when it finally came the dam broke. Then because of a comedy of errors I had to rush across town to a chiropractor appointment that I had immediately after. When I got there I could barely pull myself together. Thankfully the chiropractor is a crunchy-born-again-homeschooling-woo-woo healer so she was no stranger to weepy women seeking help. I put myself on her table and my head in the paper hole and the tears wouldn’t stop leaking out.
Then because I was trying so hard to stop crying I didn’t concentrate on my vice-grip back muscles that usually hold my back from cracking and KER-RACK-RACK-RACK CRACK CRACK CRACK! All my vertebrae in my middle back just ripped back into where they should have been. I have been trying to crack the middle of my back for years!! Who knew some crying would loosen me up just enough to make it finally happen. It felt amazing. By now my crying was pretty obvious and I couldn’t hide it anymore. The paper on my face was soaked. The chiropractor said that often our body gets rid of bad things by crying and that’s why I finally got properly aligned. I’m not sure about the accurate scientificness of this theory but I’ll take it. Whatever works.
So my back is great. It’s been not great for so long. I bought a new purple bed for our new apartment hoping it was Payam’s bed that was causing all my pain for the last few years but then it seemed the new bed even made it worse. I was worried I had made a bad purchase and here I am still stuck paying payments on it but maybe the bed is fine and I just had myself out of whack from moving and carrying heavy furniture and maybe… just maybe some stress has had me hunched over like my Aunt Lois who had the elephant man disease.
When did this blog turn into an old lady blog who complains about her ailments? I know the answer to that one. When my cute little kid grew up and I can’t talk about her daily antics anymore! I miss little Bug so much. Don’t get me wrong. I love Bug as a teen but I really miss being a young mom. Last night I dreamt that I was playing with a popular Instagram influencer’s toddler and we were having so much fun. I was making houses out of cardboard boxes and cutting mail slots for pretend letters to go through. We were having puppet shows and I was letting her ride on my back…then I woke up and I was really sad that I don’t know this little girl in real life.
Many people have commented to me that they feel like they know me and Bug from reading this blog for so many years and I guess I know how you feel. I see that Instagrammer’s kid every day and I feel like she’s part of my life so I dream about her but if I ever met her in real life she’d probably run from me. I need to cut back on my phone scrolling. What else is new? When I was talking to a psychiatrist the other day she told me that one in three people are on antidepressants. On one hand that’s awesome that antidepressants are helping so many people but on the other, what is wrong with this world that a third of us are depressed?! That is really depressing.
So let’s look at some purple trees instead. I love that it is jacaranda season. It’s really odd to be depressed in spring. The days are beautiful. I guess I should be thankful I’m not trudging through this in winter.
Mother’s Day was yesterday. Bug spent the day with me which was really sweet. She’s not usually one to think outside her own bubble so I was especially touched that she was making a day about me. That day started at noon since she slept in but I didn’t hold it against her. It’s not like I had any plans and if anyone knows anything it’s that teenagers sleep all day long. So we had breakfast for lunch and Bug gave me a special mug that she made in ceramics. Then we painted and that made me really happy. I painted a self-portrait and one of Bug. They are both pretty bad. I’m not sharing the one of me but you can see the one of Bug where it looks like she had a Micheal Jackson nose. I’ll fix it if I ever get around to it. I think it’s okay to not be great at painting. I want to paint another portrait like it again next year and see how much better I get. I know if I paint regularly I will.
I might be depressed but at least I’m still making plans!
Speaking of plans. I’m turning 50 in July and for the life of me, I can’t put a party together. One day I’m bursting with ideas and then the next day I scrap them all. So if you get an invite from me on the week of you’ll know what happened.
The Mural Part 2: I finished it!
I swear I’m going to get back into daily blogging one of these days. To be honest I’ve been a bit down lately and found myself self-soothing with food and sleep (never a good sign) so I time-blocked my entire week with a small chunk especially blocked out for blogging. So far I only have a time slot set for once a week but if I’m good at this time-blocking business, and don’t rebel against myself like I usually do, I’ll up it to more time. It’s a hard time for me. I knew it would be but here I am sludging through.
Let’s talk about the mural! The mural was a good time! I was super worried and self-critical all the way through but once it was done and everyone told me it was beautiful I started to believe them. I’m mostly happy because it was outside my comfort zone and I did it! I conquered that wall.
I think I already said this in the last blog post but that primer was a big mistake. It was so much work to cover it all. What was I thinking??? In a way it worked out because the client wanted full bushes of bougainvillea and I probably would have made it a bit more branchy and less bushy. So I think the primer forced me to really cover the space. I still want to go back and add more highlights and the little yellow centers to the flowers but the scaffolding had to go back so I ran out of time.
I’m actually really surprised I finished it on time. It was a bear of a job. Working in that heat, climbing around on scaffolding like I wasn’t afraid of heights.
I’m totally afraid of heights! But I figured out a way to overcome my fear: concentrate on painting! When I needed to reach a spot up high to finish detail on a petal just out of reach, I just stretched out my arm into mid air and didn’t think about how precarious I was. I even walked on the top scaffolding without holding on at some points.
My dad was SO SWEET. He was so worried about me falling off the scaffolding that he drove himself out to help me every day on his own dime (which is not cheap lately with gas prices soaring). I paid him to bring and take away the scaffolding (he’s a total lifesaver) but he still wanted to come every day even when I didn’t need him. Turns out I kinda did need him because the top scaffolding didn’t reach all the way across so we put a ladder up on top of the scaffolding so I reach the really far bits. It was scary but knowing my dad had my back, literally, kept me going. I know how blessed I am to have a dad like this. I don’t know what I would do without him. When I think about him passing it tears me up every time. Why do parents have to get old??
Bit by bit we got it done. Bug wasn’t so much of a help this second trip out but I was glad for her company anyway. I had my tunes playing, she was laying out getting a tan…it was nice. I think I worked from 6am to 8pm straight, only stopping for water breaks and food.
We became locals at the Crossroads Cafe. Bug finally convinced me to make time for a sit-down breakfast on Sunday so we could actually try the breakfasts that Crossroads Cafe is famous for. It was really good. If you’re out in the Joshua Tree area in the morning, I highly recommend it! It was hard for us to just pop in for food and go back to work because all the stores (really cool vintage stores and artsy bookstores and record stores) were open in the morning which is prime working time for me. Bug really wanted to shop but there was no time for that. I vow we’ll go back there someday and spend some leisure time just poking around. It’s a really cool artsy town. I could see myself living out there someday if I grow a really thick weather-repellent skin.
And that was that. I finished before dark on Sunday which was sooner than I expected. I don’t have any good daytime photos of the mural without scaffolding but I’m sure I’ll get some soon.
Until next time!