hanging on by a thread
I’m showing up here because I blocked out the time to show up. I’m pretty much phoning it in, you could say. I’m so thankful that not that many people read anymore because this post would be ripe for some get-off-the-internet jabs. I don’t mean to share to fish for compliments or even seek charity because the reality of my situation is I put myself here. I think that’s why I’m so down. I thought I would be thriving by now but I’m not. I’m sleeping all the time which is freaking me out.
I even drove over to Payam’s today to have him check my blood sugar because I was convinced I had diabetes. Turns out I don’t. Yes, Payam and I are still friends and I’m so thankful for that. He is beyond long-suffering with me. Thankfully the sleepiness seems to ebb and flow and usually, after a really drag-ass day, I can pick myself up again and get back to work. Maybe this is just normal.
Since nobody is policing what I share anymore I can record that I have a complex cyst on my left ovary. Maybe that is messing up my hormones and causing this latest grief. I am getting it checked out and so far everything seems okay. Has anyone ever mentioned that an endo biopsy is not pleasant?!!! Oh my goodness, I felt like the doctor was prying me open with a screwdriver. It was just as terrible as I worried it would be. I haven’t heard the results yet but so far I have no real reason to worry too much.
I really got myself worked up over the endo biopsy. I was super afraid to go in for it and then when it happened and it was just as terrible as I imagined I started crying and I couldn’t stop. The poor doctor felt so bad for me. She kept handing me tissues and asking me if I needed ibuprofen. I didn’t. It was more the process and the anticipation that really got me and not so much the pain.
I think I had been stressed out over it for so long that when it finally came the dam broke. Then because of a comedy of errors I had to rush across town to a chiropractor appointment that I had immediately after. When I got there I could barely pull myself together. Thankfully the chiropractor is a crunchy-born-again-homeschooling-woo-woo healer so she was no stranger to weepy women seeking help. I put myself on her table and my head in the paper hole and the tears wouldn’t stop leaking out.
Then because I was trying so hard to stop crying I didn’t concentrate on my vice-grip back muscles that usually hold my back from cracking and KER-RACK-RACK-RACK CRACK CRACK CRACK! All my vertebrae in my middle back just ripped back into where they should have been. I have been trying to crack the middle of my back for years!! Who knew some crying would loosen me up just enough to make it finally happen. It felt amazing. By now my crying was pretty obvious and I couldn’t hide it anymore. The paper on my face was soaked. The chiropractor said that often our body gets rid of bad things by crying and that’s why I finally got properly aligned. I’m not sure about the accurate scientificness of this theory but I’ll take it. Whatever works.
So my back is great. It’s been not great for so long. I bought a new purple bed for our new apartment hoping it was Payam’s bed that was causing all my pain for the last few years but then it seemed the new bed even made it worse. I was worried I had made a bad purchase and here I am still stuck paying payments on it but maybe the bed is fine and I just had myself out of whack from moving and carrying heavy furniture and maybe… just maybe some stress has had me hunched over like my Aunt Lois who had the elephant man disease.
When did this blog turn into an old lady blog who complains about her ailments? I know the answer to that one. When my cute little kid grew up and I can’t talk about her daily antics anymore! I miss little Bug so much. Don’t get me wrong. I love Bug as a teen but I really miss being a young mom. Last night I dreamt that I was playing with a popular Instagram influencer’s toddler and we were having so much fun. I was making houses out of cardboard boxes and cutting mail slots for pretend letters to go through. We were having puppet shows and I was letting her ride on my back…then I woke up and I was really sad that I don’t know this little girl in real life.
Many people have commented to me that they feel like they know me and Bug from reading this blog for so many years and I guess I know how you feel. I see that Instagrammer’s kid every day and I feel like she’s part of my life so I dream about her but if I ever met her in real life she’d probably run from me. I need to cut back on my phone scrolling. What else is new? When I was talking to a psychiatrist the other day she told me that one in three people are on antidepressants. On one hand that’s awesome that antidepressants are helping so many people but on the other, what is wrong with this world that a third of us are depressed?! That is really depressing.
So let’s look at some purple trees instead. I love that it is jacaranda season. It’s really odd to be depressed in spring. The days are beautiful. I guess I should be thankful I’m not trudging through this in winter.
Mother’s Day was yesterday. Bug spent the day with me which was really sweet. She’s not usually one to think outside her own bubble so I was especially touched that she was making a day about me. That day started at noon since she slept in but I didn’t hold it against her. It’s not like I had any plans and if anyone knows anything it’s that teenagers sleep all day long. So we had breakfast for lunch and Bug gave me a special mug that she made in ceramics. Then we painted and that made me really happy. I painted a self-portrait and one of Bug. They are both pretty bad. I’m not sharing the one of me but you can see the one of Bug where it looks like she had a Micheal Jackson nose. I’ll fix it if I ever get around to it. I think it’s okay to not be great at painting. I want to paint another portrait like it again next year and see how much better I get. I know if I paint regularly I will.
I might be depressed but at least I’m still making plans!
Speaking of plans. I’m turning 50 in July and for the life of me, I can’t put a party together. One day I’m bursting with ideas and then the next day I scrap them all. So if you get an invite from me on the week of you’ll know what happened.
I have been following you since the pre-Bug days, and if there’s one thing I’ve observed about you over the years, it’s that you are not just a survivor, but a thriver. Lots of us are survivors — we do what we can to keep moving forward when things get rough. But it takes someone special to rebound and create a new and magical life full of fun and wonder. That’s you. So please try not to be hard on yourself while you are recharging for your next act. As my mom always reminds me… this too shall pass.
Sending love and strength your way. <3
Love the blog, and always love seeing what you create – as someone who can’t even draw a decent stick figure, I’m always awed by what you can do. Hello, that mural??!!!! Wowza!!!
Sorry you are going through a down period, know that you have many fans out in the internet cheering you on and offering virtual hugs.
I have followed you forever, and I have always been amazed by your creativity, generosity and perseverance. I know you will break through to the other side of this hard time soon! And I feel your pain about crying in public – I cried at the dentist the other day, more from fear than pain. Being an adult doesn’t necessarily make scary things not scary anymore, at least for me!
Another forever reader here. I loved your description of the chiro! Sounds like the perfect place and person to cry it out with and look at the success of the session! A good cry solves a lot. Keep on keeping on sister.
Another very longtime reader here- pulling for you in this period of upheaval and change. You got this!
It seems like the end of a long relationship is worth crying about but I know you will keep on keeping on!
I’m also a long time reader, although I’ve never commented before. I completely understand the crying thing. I think we have all done it. I cried when I had to have some medical tests done, more out of fear than anything. Its perfectly normal.
Also, if the doctor prescribes medication for you, please take it! I had a rough few years in my mid to late 40’s, and was on antidepressants for a few years. They helped immensely, and I have since weaned myself off them.
Remember, there are more people that care about you than you realize!
I’m a long-time reader of your blog. You and I and our girls are about the same age so I understand 100% what you’re talking about. I miss the “fun” little kid days that seem so easy in retrospect but definitely were not all sunshine and rainbows going through it! Hoping the cobwebs clear for you soon. Sending strength.
Holy smokes, I’ve had to have two endo biopsys and they are no walk in the park – yowch. It’s no wonder it set off the water works – which, I have to agree with your chiro in a way, it’s such a release. Funny, I’m sort of in envy of the fact you’re seeing a psychiatrist and a chiropractor – I can’t even get my act together to do that! And you know I am a fan of your talents – I love the painting of Bug! You should do more. And also what Susie up there said – you’re just gearing up for your next great thing. Big hugs in the meantime! (Oh and I am reading all your posts, so please continue!) <3
Long time reader here also. Sending lots of empathy and support. You have been through a lot and transitions and change are truly hard. It is beyond normal to feel exhausted and down. You have our permission to not be okay sometimes. Glad you are taking care of your health and expressing your emotions–you are tough and resilient and lovely