403 Permission Denied. I’ve Been to Crazy Town and Back.
It’s been a few of those days. I’m sure you are there with me. The wide-eyed, dizzy, confused overwhelmed days where you find yourself washing the walls with bleach because you can’t think of anything else more soothing. Wait, is that just me?
Currently I have spa music playing in my office and one of those volcano candles burning that makes me feel like I’m shopping in Anthropologie. The heater under my desk is blowing warm air at my feet and my coffee is beside me at the ready, sans sugar. I know everyone is feeling stressed. I was on the phone with my bookkeeper this morning (I have a bookkeeper now, can you believe it! I’m almost 50 and I have finally grown up enough to hire someone to do the things I’m really bad at.) and I started telling her about the hives I had last week and how I haven’t been able to sleep because apparently Prednisone can cause insomnia and she interrupted me to say something like what Mr. Chow would say in Hangover 2, “But did you die?” (Mom, DO NOT click on that link. You either, Dad.)
I love my bookkeeper. She has a wicked-dry sense of humor and gives me guilt trips about my spending habits regularly. No, I am not dead. It’s a good wake up call. Things could be so much worse and they are so much worse for so many people. I feel like I’ve been through the ringer so I can only imagine what everyone else feels like. I still have a job and a roof over my head. But have I told you about crawling out of my skin and trying to manage my calories by quitting drinking AND feeling like every baseboard in my house needs to be scrubbed with bleach and a magic eraser AND all my cuticles need to stop bugging me this very instant?!!!
I have been to crazy town.
I think I am on my way back to normal but it’s a little sketchy. I’m trying to be nice to myself. Eat healthy, take walks, paint with my favorite water colors, drink lots of water, attempt to sleep-in even though it is against my grain. I’m not there yet though. About five more naps with Kady, the cuddling cat, maybe. Have you seen my cat, Kady? She has the softest rabbit fur and she loves to be smushed up against you as tight as she can be. I think God sent her to be my therapy cat. Sometimes she is the only thing that can soothe me.
I also find this funny soft scarf I bought for Bug a long time ago super soothing. Bug had a Christmas dance recital when she was little and she had to dance with a scarf to the song, “You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch.” It was super cute. Anyway, we forgot to bring a scarf (we had driven into town 1.5 hours away) so I found myself rushing through Urban Outfitters looking for the cheapest scarf I could find. There weren’t any cheap scarves. I ended up with this whispery purple and blue water-color butterfly wing printed scarf that was way over-priced but we were desperate and there was nothing else I could do. I sucked it up and bought it. And guess what, that scarf after all these years is my favorite scarf. It’s super soft, the colors are muted and blend with everything…I keep it stashed in my purse at all times and it unfolds into a giant size that can envelope you like a shawl. It’s a magical scarf.
Lately when I’m cold in the morning I wrap it around and around my neck until it covers half of my face. It doubles to keep me warm and to act as a mask if I happen to come upon anyone on my early morning walk. I rarely do but I like it. I feel anonymous and safe.
But back to life. I know my site is acting up. Even I tried to comment without being logged in and it kicked me out with some 403 permissions error. I’m not sure what is wrong. Everything looks alright on the backend of WordPress but I’m due for a redesign. While I ponder how much money I want to spend on a re-haul it will probably be broken. I’m so sorry to anyone who tried to comment and couldn’t. I did get your emails though and thank you very much!
New Year, New You, With Spots!
We all knew there was too much pressure on 2021.
(I’ll skip talking about politics because even though it’s a huge big deal that’s not what I do here.)
I started the new year out with SPOTS! Woo Hoo! I had an ear infection on Christmas. Payam pulled major strings with his mad phone skills (that’s what he does all day for his job) and called my doctor for me while I pulled on my ear like a baby and tried to sleep with hot compresses. The doctor came through with a super strong prescription for antibiotics, probably from his cabin in Aspen or moonlighting at the local ER as a superhero, and I started off the new year with meds!
Nine* days into my prescription to Amoxicillin, my earache was long gone but I broke out in hives and tried to itch my skin off. I’m so glad I shared on instagram even though it was TMI because people came out of the woodwork to say that the same exact thing happened to them. What a relief to be able to narrow this allergic reaction down so quickly. I had a lot to work with: pet dander from an over-achiever golden retriever who sheds enough to knit sweaters daily, a new bra from China that I failed to wash before wearing, msg in all that take-out… There were a million things I could be allergic to, mold, plants with gnats, politics, stress, Google… All of the above?
Anyway it was craaaaaaazy! I’m already a sort of nervous person to begin with. When I have anxiety I become obsessed with my rough cuticles and any little itch or bump on my body so add in some hives and I was literally crawling out of my skin. I hate to take naps but I dosed myself with Benadryl and tried to sleep it away. I’ve been asleep for the past four days. It was the only way to cope.
Monday morning hives started forming on my lips and mouth so I freaked out and went to the ER even though it’s the last place on earth I want to be right now. Thankfully at six in the morning our local ER was not over-flowing with COVID patients. I got in quickly. They gave me a shot of Benadryl in my tattooed arm and I slept. Then the ER did get busy (It’s heart breaking. The doctor checking on me was so stressed out.) and since I was not going into anaphylactic shock they discharged me with some steroids and I went home. I’m really thankful. That could have been a lot worse.
I stood behind an old women in line when I checked in who was obviously suffering from breathing problems. The halls were filled with nurses wearing full head gear and dividers were set up keeping rooms separate…even though our little ER is really nice and new, I could tell they had been in the trenches and were effectively bracing for more.
Now I’m all pumped up on steroids and feeling like Trump (gross, I know). My spots have faded into softer versions of themselves. I probably look like I’m covered in bruises but they don’t hurt and they are only on parts of my body that don’t show so I don’t care. No itching is heavenly!
So just a quick new year check in from me! Sorry it’s so personal when so many other more important things are happening in the world.
Happy 2021! I don’t think I’m going to do a calendar this year. I’ve started several. But I really want to do a different format. I hardly use the full page full of boxes layout anymore. Do you? I want to make a day planner but I have not found a template that lets me customize the art on every page and I really don’t feel like formatting 356 pages. There’s got to be something out there. I know I’m a million months too late but who knows, work might get slow again.
How are you doing my faithful loyal internet friends? Cathy, Gingermog and Susan and a few other lurkers who comment now and then? How do you even find me anymore? I don’t deserve you.
I’ve been writing snail mail letters to friends lately and it’s really been helpful. It’s funny how a phone call or a text just doesn’t do it for me but pounding out a two-page letter is incredibly therapeutic. Blogging after all these years is still my therapy. Thank you.
*I missed a few days and I’m terrible at math.