And then it was June

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My summer has been going like these peonies: fast and furious. This month has been in such a great big hurry to make a flashy show and then get the hell over already. I’ve been meaning to blog since May about my trip to visit Susan in Grass Valley, Joon’s birthday, my mom having double knee surgery, and my constant trips back and forth to the desert…but in all the commotion I’ve somehow left my head unscrewed and it’s still swiveling around in circles making me a bit sea sick.

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But I am still here! I’m busier than ever with work which is great. I’m stuffing in lots of family time and plenty of “hot girl summer” memories but I don’t know when I’ll get a chance to document them. So in the meantime here are some beautiful fleeting peonies.

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Bursts of joy that make the maximum impact and then float to the floor as fragile whisps of their former selves, kind of like memories.

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I have a giant print on my wall of some dead peonies fading on my dark scratched wooden table.  I love that print and the longer it hangs there in my dining room the more attached I am to it and to all fading peonies. They are the dark siren of the flower world. I join the masses who sing their praises.

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So quick, so fleeting, so dramatic. Just like life.

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I wish I had time to pick up each petal and remember them one by one by one by one. Maybe that’s what the afterlife will be like, just sorting through all the petals of memory. There surely are enough to last forever! Anyway, deep wandering vague thoughts that don’t make much sense. I’m just filling space until I can get back here to properly document things.

403 Permission Denied. I’ve Been to Crazy Town and Back.

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It’s been a few of those days. I’m sure you are there with me. The wide-eyed, dizzy, confused overwhelmed days where you find yourself washing the walls with bleach because you can’t think of anything else more soothing. Wait, is that just me?

Currently I have spa music playing  in my office and one of those volcano candles burning that makes me feel like I’m shopping in Anthropologie. The heater under my desk is blowing warm air at my feet and my coffee is beside me at the ready, sans sugar. I know everyone is feeling stressed. I was on the phone with my bookkeeper this morning (I have a bookkeeper now, can you believe it! I’m almost 50 and I have finally grown up enough to hire someone to do the things I’m really bad at.) and I started telling her about the hives I had last week and how I haven’t been able to sleep because apparently Prednisone can cause insomnia and she interrupted me to say something like what Mr. Chow would say in Hangover 2,  “But did you die?”  (Mom, DO NOT click on that link. You either, Dad.)

I love my bookkeeper. She has a wicked-dry sense of humor and gives me guilt trips about my spending habits regularly. No, I am not dead. It’s a good wake up call. Things could be so much worse and they are so much worse for so many people. I feel like I’ve been through the ringer so I can only imagine what everyone else feels like. I still have a job and a roof over my head. But have I told you about crawling out of my skin and trying to manage my calories by quitting drinking AND feeling like every baseboard in my house needs to be scrubbed with bleach and a magic eraser  AND all my cuticles need to stop bugging me this very instant?!!!

I have been to crazy town.

I think I am on my way back to normal but it’s a little sketchy. I’m trying to be nice to myself. Eat healthy, take walks, paint with my favorite water colors, drink lots of water, attempt to sleep-in even though it is against my grain.  I’m not there yet though. About five more naps with Kady, the cuddling cat, maybe. Have you seen my cat, Kady? She has the softest rabbit fur and she loves to be smushed up against you as tight as she can be. I think God sent her to be my therapy cat. Sometimes she is the only thing that can soothe me.

I also find this funny soft scarf I bought for Bug a long time ago super soothing. Bug had a Christmas dance recital when she was little and she had to dance with a scarf to the song, “You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch.” It was super cute. Anyway, we forgot to bring a scarf (we had driven into town 1.5 hours away) so I found myself rushing through Urban Outfitters looking for the cheapest scarf I could find. There weren’t any cheap scarves. I ended up with this whispery purple and blue water-color butterfly wing printed scarf that was way over-priced but we were desperate and there was nothing else I could do. I sucked it up and bought it. And guess what, that scarf after all these years is my favorite scarf. It’s super soft, the colors are muted and blend with everything…I keep it stashed in my purse at all times and it unfolds into a giant size that can envelope you like a shawl. It’s a magical scarf.

Lately when I’m cold in the morning I wrap it around and around my neck until it covers half of my face. It doubles to keep me warm and to act as a mask if I happen to come upon anyone on my early morning walk. I rarely do but I like it. I feel anonymous and safe.

But back to life. I know my site is acting up. Even I tried to comment without being logged in and it kicked me out with some 403 permissions error. I’m not sure what is wrong. Everything looks alright on the backend of WordPress but I’m due for a redesign. While I ponder how much money I want to spend on a re-haul it will probably be broken. I’m so sorry to anyone who tried to comment and couldn’t. I did get your emails though and thank you very much!