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403 Permission Denied. I’ve Been to Crazy Town and Back.


It’s been a few of those days. I’m sure you are there with me. The wide-eyed, dizzy, confused overwhelmed days where you find yourself washing the walls with bleach because you can’t think of anything else more soothing. Wait, is that just me?

Currently I have spa music playing  in my office and one of those volcano candles burning that makes me feel like I’m shopping in Anthropologie. The heater under my desk is blowing warm air at my feet and my coffee is beside me at the ready, sans sugar. I know everyone is feeling stressed. I was on the phone with my bookkeeper this morning (I have a bookkeeper now, can you believe it! I’m almost 50 and I have finally grown up enough to hire someone to do the things I’m really bad at.) and I started telling her about the hives I had last week and how I haven’t been able to sleep because apparently Prednisone can cause insomnia and she interrupted me to say something like what Mr. Chow would say in Hangover 2,  “But did you die?”  (Mom, DO NOT click on that link. You either, Dad.)

I love my bookkeeper. She has a wicked-dry sense of humor and gives me guilt trips about my spending habits regularly. No, I am not dead. It’s a good wake up call. Things could be so much worse and they are so much worse for so many people. I feel like I’ve been through the ringer so I can only imagine what everyone else feels like. I still have a job and a roof over my head. But have I told you about crawling out of my skin and trying to manage my calories by quitting drinking AND feeling like every baseboard in my house needs to be scrubbed with bleach and a magic eraser  AND all my cuticles need to stop bugging me this very instant?!!!

I have been to crazy town.

I think I am on my way back to normal but it’s a little sketchy. I’m trying to be nice to myself. Eat healthy, take walks, paint with my favorite water colors, drink lots of water, attempt to sleep-in even though it is against my grain.  I’m not there yet though. About five more naps with Kady, the cuddling cat, maybe. Have you seen my cat, Kady? She has the softest rabbit fur and she loves to be smushed up against you as tight as she can be. I think God sent her to be my therapy cat. Sometimes she is the only thing that can soothe me.

I also find this funny soft scarf I bought for Bug a long time ago super soothing. Bug had a Christmas dance recital when she was little and she had to dance with a scarf to the song, “You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch.” It was super cute. Anyway, we forgot to bring a scarf (we had driven into town 1.5 hours away) so I found myself rushing through Urban Outfitters looking for the cheapest scarf I could find. There weren’t any cheap scarves. I ended up with this whispery purple and blue water-color butterfly wing printed scarf that was way over-priced but we were desperate and there was nothing else I could do. I sucked it up and bought it. And guess what, that scarf after all these years is my favorite scarf. It’s super soft, the colors are muted and blend with everything…I keep it stashed in my purse at all times and it unfolds into a giant size that can envelope you like a shawl. It’s a magical scarf.

Lately when I’m cold in the morning I wrap it around and around my neck until it covers half of my face. It doubles to keep me warm and to act as a mask if I happen to come upon anyone on my early morning walk. I rarely do but I like it. I feel anonymous and safe.

But back to life. I know my site is acting up. Even I tried to comment without being logged in and it kicked me out with some 403 permissions error. I’m not sure what is wrong. Everything looks alright on the backend of WordPress but I’m due for a redesign. While I ponder how much money I want to spend on a re-haul it will probably be broken. I’m so sorry to anyone who tried to comment and couldn’t. I did get your emails though and thank you very much!


  • jo's mom

    I am wide eyed and dizzy too. But I fell and hit my head pretty hard I am ok but I wish it would stop being dizzy. This too will pass.

  • Gingermog

    Welcome back from crazy town, don’t we all pay a visit there from time to time? I sincerely hope your hives are gone, it can get you down when your whole body is inflamed. Personally, I’m emerging from mid winter hibernation today. The 13th is a new moon, so I’m setting my intentions and using it as the first day of the New Year. Well hello 2021 ( Hecky thump, doesn’t that sound futuristic!).

    P.s. Is disinfecting your walls an adulting thing I didn’t get the memo on, like turning your mattress?

    P.p.s. I hope Jo’s mom your head feels better by now.

    • SAJ

      Thank you. Hives are gone. Still getting over side-effects of steroids but SO MUCH BETTER. Disinfecting walls is not an adulting thing. I think it’s a crawling-out-of-your-skin going-crazy thing. My walls look great though! My mom is okay. They checked her out thoroughly at the hospital. We’re not sure why she’s still experiencing some vertigo. I’m thinking she might need a second opinion.

  • Gingermog

    Hi, I hope your mom’s vertigo is better. My mother in law, Sue also gets vertigo form time to time the Dr’s have not figured out what causes it.

    I need to sweep my walls and ceilings mroe often you turn your back for a moment ( cough cough few weeks) and the spiders go crazy. the hayoloft walls are ok as they are lined with plasterboard but down stairs is brick dust and it crumbles non stop. I swept up shovel fulls of dust before Christmas clearing areas of the old workroom. Not so picturesque. Exposure to dust makes my nose run and my eyes itch and feel lie I have the flu, so although I want it gone, it fights back.

    Loving the photos of your road trip with Bug . I can smell the salt air and taste the freedom. Sending love xxx

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