Hiding from your blog and social media is nothing new to me. I’ve done it before. Life gets hard; you want to hide from the world. You know how it is, especially for people like me who are supreme people pleasers that can’t handle criticism. I’ve been working on this my whole life, and I thought I’d tackled my worst demons, but they came back in April with a vengeance.
This time I thought about shutting it all down for good. I was going to. I liked the idea of a simple private life. My niece, Rapunzel, and Bug telling me not to for their sake pushed me back. I’ve had a tough month. Work has been arduous, and my trip to Amsterdam ended disastrously. I lost some friendships that meant a lot to me.
I’d love to spill the whole story. I’d love for everyone to chime in and tell me that I did nothing wrong and they don’t deserve me, but it’s not fair to them. I can’t paint a clear picture because I don’t know what really happened. I’m sad and it’s going to take me a long time to get over it. So I can’t write about my Amsterdam trip. It was really fun and I saw a million cool things but right now all I can think about are my hurt feelings so I start and stop and never write anything.
Work has been hard too. Growing pains, corporate politics, learning Microsoft when I’ve worked in Adobe for 500 years. I love my job and I think I’m doing well but you know, I worry about getting fired every other minute. It’s a big culture change for me to not be my own boss. I make so many mistakes. Stupid silly mistakes too. But I also work with people I really like and I’m learning so much.
Kady comforts me. She also annoys me by constantly putting her wet nose on my face, nudging my glasses sideways by trying to pet herself with them, and licking me on the mouth (ew!). Does anyone want an aggressively cuddly cat? Just kidding. I wouldn’t part with her for the world.
Weekends are a new novelty for me. Remember when I would proudly proclaim that every day is Monday and every day is Saturday when you are a freelancer? Now every day feels like Monday, and weekends feel like a mad-dash marathon chore-fest with two minutes of vacation. I savor what I can but I miss my coffee dates, gardening, staring at the golf course, doing laundry whenever I feel like it, clean sinks without dishes, sewing, cooking… yeah, all that stuff. I miss it. But it sure is nice being able to pay my bills. As Kate Moss says, nothing tastes as good as having money feels. Or something like that.
(vase by Bug)
April has also been a busy month for visitors. My fairy godmother, Susan, came to visit. She’s so fun. She took Bug and I shopping at Ross. She always does this. It’s her love language. I bought a bunch of work clothes and Bug bought candy and shampoo. Then we took Susan to the Anaheim Packing District and ate like foodies who’d never heard of calorie restrictions.
We especially love the lanterns
Then this last week, Matt came to visit! We took him down to Doheny Beach, where my parents were camping with Cody (and their cats!), and we had a nice turkey burger dinner that my dad cooked. The weather was crappy, but I love a beach campfire when it’s chilly. We sipped Topo Chico “cheerleader beers” and then had hot chocolate and roasted marshmallows for dessert. It was really fun.
My parents are testing out their camper (Did I tell that whole story about how it got stolen and then they got it back? I need to go dive in the archives and find that story.) because they are taking it to Texas next month for my brother’s wedding. Then they are traveling across the country to a Christian camp in Wyoming and then to harvest in Idaho (my Dad always drives trucks for his family’s beet farm) until November. Cody is living the life! He’s going to have the best summer ever. Camping and hanging out on a farm with lots of kids and room to run. I’m jealous.
And now you are all caught up! How do you like the new blog template? I did it all myself this time, which is why it’s a bit wonky here and there. I don’t love the portfolio template, but… it’s gonna have to do until I find some of that mysteriously elusive free time. I also really need to update my crusty old About pages.
This is me coming up for air. I’ve been busy traveling and working and pretty much being that boring person that everyone hates because all they do is brag about how great their life is. I don’t want to be like that. But I will say that I am happy right now and very, very thankful.
When I quit working ages ago to freelance, it was hard. It was twenty years ago. (!!) I didn’t thrive. I fumbled. A lot. I didn’t make a lot of money. Sometimes I did but most of the time I didn’t. I had to rely on men in my life to carry me, which I’ve always hated. I hate groveling for money. I hate asking for it. I hate taking it! The root of all evil is the LACK of money in my opinion and it has plagued me my entire life. My parents struggled. I’ve struggled. I’ve always wanted to be successful on my own and most of the time I’ve been able to pull it off except for those times that I didn’t and those times were awful.
So now that I am back in the corporate world after being out of it for so long, it feels really good to be taken seriously. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to get back here. It’s hard looking for work at fifty. I loved being a stay-at-home/work-at-home mom and I don’t think I would have done it any other way but I am really happy to be back at work. Now I just have to keep this job! Eeeek!
I can’t really talk about what I am working on but I can share that I traveled to Yountville last week to scout around and take pictures of the property. It was so much fun. I mean, there are a lot worse places to go to work.
Even in the cold wintery rain, this place was beautiful. The sun came out one day and I was in heaven. Flowers! Blossoms! Estate kitties!
You know me. I love exploring and taking pictures! It’s one of my favorite things to do!
I walked that little town back and forth and back again. It’s really just one main street and very very small. Small, quaint, and beautiful!
I explored the cemetary.
I sampled all the fancy food. Matt came into town to explore with me. I can’t believe I got paid for this job that feels like a vacation.
Will I ever get tired of this? I doubt it. Some of my coworkers seem a little tired of travel but I don’t see that happening to me.
Then I come home and my cats clobber me with affection because they’ve missed me. Bug missed me too, which was really, really sweet. You know how teenagers usually are: Mothers are so annoying etc.. But when they aren’t around to do your laundry or cook and do the dishes, they suddenly become more appreciated. I like being appreciated.
Not that Bug doesn’t appreciate me. We are closer than most mothers and daughters, I think. Here are some photos from a while back when we walked back bay together.
Since I work so much I’m kind of a homebody when I’m home but Bug convinced me to get out and see the spring flowers in bloom.
Even though it was cold, it was the best thing for my health. I haven’t been able to get my three-mile walks in as I used to and I really miss all the exercise I got from working at Ralphs. It’s going to be a challenge to get my regular workout routine back in.
If you’re waffling on getting outside, do it. Just go outside, breathe that cold air, and take some pretty pictures. Spring is on its way and before you know it a super awful hot summer will be smacking us upside the head. I have a feeling it’s going to be worse than it’s ever been.
So lets enjoy this while we have it!
Next week I’m in Amsterdam! I’ll explain more later.