Bug Turns 15: The Road Trip to Nowhere, Part 1

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I labored about whether to write this post for a long time. While only a few days have gone by, I’ve sat and worried about it endlessly, the hamster wheel in my head spinning like the hamster is a crack addict.  I really wanted to share this big-deal-trip but I felt like it was also an embarrassing mistake. I am deeply ashamed. I was afraid to talk about it for fear of being lambasted for naively ignoring the governor’s travel ban. It was stupid. We shouldn’t have gone. We were incredibly careful and incredibly lucky but at the end of the day I don’t want to traipse around with my white privilege like people are not dying from a horrible disease.

But then I talked to my therapist (I have a therapist now!) (more white privilege that I’m ashamed of) and she said, it’s my story. This is where I tell my stories. If I lose friends or future business contacts because of some dirt that can be dug up on this blog then maybe I don’t want those friends or business contacts anyway. I am fully going to own my mistake and write about why we shouldn’t have gone. But I also want to share the special parts. It was an amazing trip with my daughter. It was her birthday party that she couldn’t have and you know how I always go over the top with birthdays. So it’s a bittersweet story but it’s my story. I am ashamed that I acted irresponsibly and I will pay the consequences. I will also try maybe unsuccessfully to defend my bad choice. But I made it and we made it back and I think we are going to be okay. Hopefully wiser for our mistakes. So please don’t let the pretty pictures glamorize a bad decision. This was irresponsible of me and I regret it. I am also incredibly grateful that we were able to be safe.

There. That’s it. A huge heavy weight on my conscience.

When we left for our trip we never intended to go more than 200 miles. That was the point: a road trip to nowhere. Our plan was to get in the car and head up the coast and stop at every little silly thing we could find that wouldn’t be infested with people. That meant nature and funny photo opportunities that nobody else would be looking at. Bug is her own person now with her own instagram account and she creates her own content just like her mama. I can’t say I’m not proud of her creativity. Social media has it’s many faults but creativity is not one of them.

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Our first stop was a farmer’s market on the way to the coast. Back when we used to live at the beach, Bug and I would visit the Farmer’s Market every Saturday. It’s such a strong memory for both of us. I’d buy a three-pack box of raspberries and Bug would eat them before we even left the market. She loved the Farmer’s Market. From riding in the front-facing Bjorn to stroller days to riding her own tricycle…the market holds a super soft spot in our hearts. It’s really sad that we don’t go anymore but where we live now we don’t even think about it. We live in a super boring suburbia that has no central gathering places like a farmer’s market. Of course we can drive to a few that are actually nearby but we don’t because we don’t even think of it. Out of sight out of mind I guess. This is something I intend to change. Farmer’s Markets are great. They support the local farmers, there’s fresh healthy food and it’s just a good family outing. Of course we haven’t been going anywhere since Covid started but now that farmer’s markets seem to still be open with precautions maybe we’ll put them back in our schedule. Note to self: go to Farmer’s Market.

We bought some hummus and pita chips, a three pack of berries (of course!) and some snap peas and carrots for snacks. We didn’t have a way to wash them so we just hid them in our cooler for later. Then we headed off to find our favorite breakfast: Zinc!

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Yes, we are those basic beetches. I mean, how can we not be? Do you see that work of art that is avocado toast up there? Everyone should eat avocado toast! I told Bug that we are really spoiled. When I was a kid we got cereal or toast but never gourmet avocado toast on the regular. This is definitely the good life. Bug had an iced green matcha latte and of course I had a regular latte. Basic Beeches through and through.

After that we hit up another favorite spot for Bug’s favorite sandwiches and sparkling cider for the road.

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Then we drove. Basically we sat in traffic all through Malibu and Santa Monica. We took the long route and didn’t mind. We had no schedule and no place to be. Of course I was a little worried about where we’d stay that night without any reservations but Bug forced me to be optimistic. What could go wrong? Worst case we sleep in the car. Um, we could get murdered? said my usual over-operating worry brain. We did pack sleeping bags and my back windows are pretty darkly tinted so it could be work. I do know a few campgrounds that are usually open so we could get by. I was just worried. Like I always am. But I didn’t need to be. There are a lot of hotels open and they are super happy for customers because business is slow and they are hurting. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Next stop: lunch in Zuma. I had planned on stopping in Santa Monica and maybe swinging on those really big swings on the beach near the boardwalk but it was way too crowded. If there was no parking then we weren’t stopping because crowds are NOT for us. Even before the pandemic I hate crowds so it was a no-brainer that we’d avoid them now.

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Zuma was beautiful. There were people out but no crowds. The breeze was also pretty strong so it felt like if there were any germs around, they weren’t sticking around long. They were blowing far out into the sea to be cleaned. So we sat and we ate our sandwiches and talked about turning fifteen. I’m so proud of this big kid.

She’s tall now. She often stands next to me and says things like, “Mom, you are so small!” It’s refreshing. I like being small. She’s still a few inches shorter than me but she is definitely adult-sized now. It’s a funny thing that happens. I often tell her that I wish I could keep a version of her at every size. I miss that wobbly three year old who would tear down the sidewalk and throw herself into my arms for a hug. I miss the floppy pigtails and songs about hotdogs. I even miss the scared years when she’s talk about her worries incessantly and hated going to school. I’m so proud of her and how she overcame. She’s strong and independent and opinionated and smart. She’s everything I ever dreamed of and so much more. I knew I’d get a quirky kid but I never dreamed she’d be this perfect.

Next up: Santa Barbara and the horrible, no-good, terrible business of finding a bathroom in a town full of covid-partying morons. I know that’s harsh. Not all anti-maskers are morons in fact many of them are doctors and seem pretty smart. But for someone who has anxiety and has become a germaphobe because of the pandemic, you can kind of understand what it’s like for a worrier like me to see a crowd of drunk people NOT social distancing. Anyway, more on that tomorrow!

10 Comments Bug Turns 15: The Road Trip to Nowhere, Part 1

  1. Jen

    I personally don’t see anything wrong with what you did. You were safe! Going to mask-less parties is stupid. Going on a safe road trip is not. ??

    Reply
  2. Lisa

    I think it’s a regional thing? It seems much of CA is still somewhat locked down. In the midwest things are pretty open. We in Ohio have recommendations of states not to travel to, and our school enforces that travel advisory. Here if you went two hours away it would be no big deal as long as you were wearing a mask.

    Reply
  3. Patricia

    I think we all find our comfort zones in these weird times. Some folks draw their boundaries way way too loose as someone mentioned in a previous comment – going maskless at some crowded event? Way way too risky for me. Going on a road trip with your daughter to mark a great day while being safe? I don’t think that requires a lot of shame or apologizing.

    Reply
  4. Gingermog

    Sounds like you’re giving yourself a hard time. I know that you would have as been as careful as you could and you were keeping out of crowds and adhering to the rules. So please stop beating yourself up.

    On a selfish note I was looking so forward to this update and refreshed your site many times (blush), guess I’m living vicariously through you. Sounds so much fun to go on a road trip to nowhere, just wander and see were the breeze takes you. Didn’t a wise person once say, Its the journey that matters not the destination. You and Bug have made wonderful memories together and she knows her mum is fun and up for adventure (and careful). Must say that avocado and toast looks delicious and I loved the light bulb sign! Happy birthday to a wonderful young woman who’s creativity is going to make the world a better place just like her Mama.

    In other news it snowed in Wales! Really deep. Wish you where here as you’d love the photo opportunities. We’ve seen bunny tracks in the snow squee! For a moment we were puzzled, wondering what made 3 legged tracks and then realised the third one were their precious little behind feet close together. Of course I don’t think they are so precious come Summer and they plunder my veggie patch but I’m willing to let bygones be bygones.

    Sending love xxx

    Reply
  5. Cathy

    Boyfriend and I traveled for a few days to Monterey then Avila Beach in August and even though we ran away from crowds and anti-maskers, we were careful and had a blast. We stayed home for Christmas and Covid visited anyway!
    I’m so happy that you have such a great relationship with Bug and continue to make wonderful memories. And farmers markets are the best! Our ‘good one’s is 20 mins away but very crowded, so have not gone lately, thanks for the reminder. Off to read more, but gotta get ready for work darnit.

    Reply
  6. JanS

    I was so happy to see your trip pics, celebrating such a wonderful milestone. I did not even for a moment think you were doing something unwise or unsafe –you were mostly outdoors all the time!

    I’m happy you made these great memories.

    Reply
    1. SAJ

      Yeah… Apparently I’m paranoid. I’ve been super anxious about covid. Maybe I’m losing touch with reality. It’s a struggle mentally these days but I am seeing someone and I’m getting help.

      Reply
  7. Tee

    Honestly, as far as bending the rules go (or breaking them, as it may be,) I don’t think you should feel so guilty. This has been a LONG road for everyone. So you ventured out a bit, carefully, with a plan to say as safe as possible. As I say what I’m about to say, I can hear my mom asking me, “If everyone else jumped off the high bridge, would you jump too?” But I’ll say this anyway. Most people have broken the rules now and then. Sometimes your mental well-being just needs to do a little something that goes against what we’ve been told. This was for a good cause. It allowed you to maintain at least a small bit of tradition, not to mention balance. Don’t feel so guilty. This was a good thing you did for your girl.

    Reply

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