48 Sucks

48-sucks-2
I was having such a tough time of it, I didn’t blog about turning 48. It’s a doozy turning this age. I think really, it’s more that it’s not so fun having a birthday in 2020 and probably everyone is going to have to do it. Some of us do it more gracefully than others and I have to hang my head in shame because I didn’t do it so gracefully at all. I was sad.

hairy big deal

Thankfully, I am shacked up with the most lovely human ever and he baked me a cake. A pink lemonade cake that I described in detail and he pulled it off perfectly. Of course that was the day I also decided to get off Facebook where I should have been bragging about him. I hate to brag obnoxiously though. But I do want to give him a shout out because baking a cake for a sad girlfriend on a really hot summer day is an act of heroism. Thank you, Mr. Hero.

Coping Mechanisms

As if life during quarantine wasn’t hard enough, I’ve decided to quit drinking. I hate to talk about such things because it usually sets me up for failure and then I feel like an ass mixing up a beautiful Brendarita on a happy festive afternoon. I’ve never thought I seriously had a drinking problem but I do have a problem *thinking about drinking* so I’ve come to the conclusion that for me, that is enough of a problem. I’m tired of feeling bad about it. Sober Brenda hates Drunk Brenda and Drunk Brenda hates Sober Brenda.  I know it’s controversial and lots of people drink without any problems. I drink without any problems too, except the self-hate the next morning. I don’t even get hangovers. I get guilt-overs.

I don’t know if I’ll be successful. I’ve tried lots of times before and never really lasted more than a few days. But it is what I want to do right now. I figure I don’t have much to lose blogging about it. You’ll still love me if I fail. And if I fail it doesn’t mean I’m a falling down drunk. I just want to practice self control and stop feeling bad in the mornings. It’s all part of the mental health journey, I guess.

Moving on to the worries: Will I be un-fun now? What will I do to pass the time when we are relaxing watching a show on tv at night? That is what Payam and I do. We sip and watch tv and talk. It’s one of our favorite things. So now I’ll sit and watch and drink tea and probably be way too high maintenance with my hamster brain worrying problem. I expect it to be hard. I’ve subscribed to some online programs. I think they will help me through the hard parts. What about camping without wine next week? That’s going to be a drag. Will I steep tea on the campfire? Just go to bed early all the time?