Nablopomograms

trashNovember is right around the corner and you know what that means. That means it’s the start of nablopomo and everybody and their uncle will be writing blog posts trying to meet some kind of inner goal about being the writer they truly are. Then the content on the internet will explode exponentially and you’ll be so far behind in reading your favorite blogs that you might decide to boycott the internet altogether or what we know of it. Maybe Facebook will keep on existing but blog reading will become a huge cyber traffic jam of creativity, all globbed up and going no where.

Or maybe I’m just a pessimist.

I have a friend (a new friend, but a very good friend) who has been challenging me to write about more controversial subjects on this blog. Most of the time I ignore her because the last thing I want is controversy. Is she crazy?!  She might love a good argument but I’ve seen the underbelly of blog hate forums and I’d rather stay on this side of the light and fluffy meter.  Who cares about popularity and success? I’d rather be happy and poor.

But we have great discussions, her and I, and she makes me think. I do have a lot to say about controversial subjects. I’m just too afraid to say them here. My mind is an upheaval of ideas and beliefs. I question everything, secretly and quietly in my own head of course.

I was raised in an environment where I wasn’t allowed to make decisions on my own.  This wasn’t on purpose. It’s just the way it was.  Now that I’m an adult I sometimes have trouble deciding what’s right and wrong which seems really really weird considering I come from a really strict Christian upbringing. I know that sounds terrible. Could I be a psychopath? I don’t mean I don’t know that really bad things are bad. No, I have a pretty good core value system but I have met so many interesting people and listened to their surprising stories  that I’ve come to realize that nothing is black and white. Everyone has a story and everyone has a reason for the decisions  that they’ve made even if those decisions seem like really really bad ones.

I’m not talking about junkies letting their children crawl around meth cook sites or people who hurt people because they are really selfish…  I’m just saying that being authentic and really listening to all sides of a controversy is tricky business. It’s easy to judge. But why do we judge? Why are we so quick to judge?  I hate arguing. I hate controversy but I have to admit I do it constantly in my head. I question everything. Even things that I was taught to believe when I was really really little.  Questioning my foundation puts fear in me but I also think it’s important because  we need to know what we believe deep down when every crutch is stripped from us. Is blind faith really a good thing?

So anyway. I’m putting the timer on and writing every day whether it’s November or not. I might not always publish what I write though. Some things will have to go live in my computer’s trashcan. And you know me, saying I’m going to do something seems to be the kiss of death.