Scared Crazy

I was going along so well. Yesterday, I was only slightly bored out of my mind doing all the laundry all day long and then… Kabamo!!! Last night the weepy creepies hit me like a mack truck at two in the morning. I don’t know what is wrong with me. The dark maybe? Am I scared of the dark? Is it because I like to sit in the dark and replay phone conversations I had earlier in the evening over and over in my head until parts of them get out of proportion like gobs of taffy being pulled and stretched?

Earlier, I was chatting with my sister-in-law, picking her brain like usual and I told her how the pelvic exams I’ve been getting every week are really uncomfortable and actually painful. In fact, last week, I had to grab the table behind my head to keep myself from jumping up and kicking my doctor in the face. Is this normal, I ask her? She says it is, but then casually mentions that pre-natal pelvic exams are a “walk in the park” compared to ones during labor. A walk in the park? At the time of the conversation, I just rambled on accepting this. Another thing she mentioned was that getting a cathetar (necessary for an epidural) can also be uncomfortable. That didn’t even phase me either… at the time.

But then this morning, I sat straight up in bed (cross legged because for some freaky reason that seems to be the comfortable position of the moment) and I FREAKED OUT!!!! A cathetar! A little needle with a balloon is going to go up my urethra!!!! Tears started streaming down my face, the snot factory switched into overdrive, shivers commenced, the brain raced in a million directions not making any sense at all. More painful pelvic exams every half hour!!!! Nurses with different sized fingers making different measurements and sometimes you can actually regress in dialation!!!!!

I am suddenly very very very very afraid! I thought I was going to be tough. I thought maybe I was super cool and had a very high pain tolerance. (Heh, I got a bikini wax at 8 months and didn’t even tear up. Take that!) But what if I’m wrong? What if I’m a total wus! I mean those pelvic exams are very horrible! I’m scared of my doctor. I’m scared that we don’t have a good relationship and it’s too late to change it. I’m scared that Toby is going to be disappointed in me when I’m not “a trooper” any more! I’m scared that everybody is going to read this and see what a real coward I actually am.

But I have to write it. Because I am the inside out woman. Everything in my head goes on the blog.

I tried to go on a chat room this morning to admit my secret cowardice to anyone anonymous. But it was a wash. Nobody wanted to talk to me. One woman just wanted to go on and on about her “five blessings” (her five kids) and how all their names started with the letter “K”. Another wanted to adopt one of her sets of twins because, sheesh, she has five, she can spare some…. It was interesting BUT I can’t relate! I think I’m better off just chatting with myself. Me! Me! Me!

So here’s my conversation with myself:

Hi Self.

hi.

What’s on your mind today? Why are you crying?

I’m scared! I’m scared out of my mind!!! I’m losing it!

That’s okay. Here, here, have a tissue. It’s totally normal to feel that way right now.

Really? But I was doing so good!!! Why can’t I be tough up to the very end? I wanna be stoic! I want to be a mountain woman. I want to skin rattlesnakes with my bare hands!

You feel this way because you’re human. You feel the whole rainbow of emotions, that’s what makes you special.

Snif. I like being special but but but… I wanted to be a super hero! That’s so much cooler than the snot factory. I want to wear tights and a cape and dash around. I want all the other pregnant moms to wish they were me.

Um… okay. Well I don’t think you need me. You seem to be entertaining yourself just fine. I’ll be here when you run out of funny stories. If you’re thinking about capes and tights, I think you’re okay.

But I like talking to you, don’t go away! I’m lonely and nobody gets me like you do!!!

Um, yeah. That’s why you’re crazy and they are not. Buck up. You’re going to be fine.

See this is why I have a blog.

tagged

I’ve been tagged by citymama. And it’s the weekend so I guess I’ll play along. But I’m not going to tag anybody after me. I know, boo hiss… I’m not any fun. But, if you want to play, consider yourself tagged and let me know you’re playing in the comment box.

So here’s how it goes:

Remove the blog from the top spot and add yours to the bottom,

The Diaper Pail
the state of indiana
watching me grow
citymama
Secret Agent Josephine

Then select five people to tag and post them here.
(I’m skipping this part, sorry.)

Then answer the questions in italics:

What were you doing 10 years ago?

Linear time… I’m so bad at this. Let me think. That would be 1995, so that would be two years after I graduated from college. I’d be working at my corporate job as a junior graphic designer, designing coupons. Oh what fun it is to type 5 point mouse type! I’d be dating Toby by now and probably trying to break up with him at least once a month, because that’s how I was back then.

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Ah ha! I can just click here and answer that one. I was spending the holidays up north and painting my sister-in-law’s nursury!

Five snacks you enjoy:
1.dark chocolate
2.apple pie
3.cashews
4.cheddar cheese
5.bread and butter pickles

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics: (ugh! I’m horrible at this game)
1.Happy Birthday
2.For God so Loved the World
3.Jesus Loves Me
4.The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round
5. um, I don’t know five… I’m really bad at lyrics

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1.buy a house with a washer and dryer
2.rescue several of my family members from financial problems
3.invest in real estate
4.go to Starbucks every day
5.the million would be long gone by then…

Five bad habits:
1.cracking my knuckles
2.eating too much
3.not doing math and letting that side of my brain atrophy
4.bad posture
5.speed reading

Five things you like doing:
1.illustrating
2.blogging
3.walking on the beach
4.spying
5.coming up with evil plans

Five things you would never wear:
1.any kind of hair clip that wasn’t tortoishell or brown
2.gladiator sandals
3.sweats with words on the butt
4.a metallic or synthetic metal looking purse
5.boots with pom poms
(Sorry to anyone who loves these wearable things. I love them too, just not on me. I would be the first to go out and buy my nieces all of the above.)

Five favorite toys:
1.spy camera
2.laptop
3.a wobble walker (I can’t find a link any where, it’s an old toy that you walk on, not a drink!)
4.my cat launcher gun
5.pictionary game