• Bad Mom,  Beach Bits,  Bug

    beaches and babysitters

    Aunt Waffy called it. It was less than a week after my surgery and Baby Bug and I were already back taking walks down to the beach. I’m so happy about that. I missed the beach. I take it personally when I can’t go look at it. I know someday we’ll have to move away (because we do want to buy a house some year, what a concept, and we’ll never be able to afford anything here) and I want to make sure I get every bit of beach out of it while I can.

    My stitches don’t hurt a bit. I’m pretty sure they’re all healed and all I have left to do is peel the icky steri-tape off and take some degreaser to my stomach to get all the iodine and sticky tape residue off me. That stuff sticks! I’m washing my tan right off, just trying to get it to come off. Right now my stomach looks like I have leprosy. Yuck.

    Finally, things are back to normal around here. So normal, in fact, that I’m back to my old muttering about wishing I could hire a babysitter because I just miss working on my computer so much. I’m so embarrassed to admit that.

    Back in the day, when I was a kidless married person, I used to make fun of those mothers who couldn’t handle being around their kids all day. I was the baby sitting maven back then. I loved kids and wanted a baby so bad that I figured I’d NEVER need a break from MY kids. It was kinda like how I got Toby to let me have a cat. I promised that I would change the litter box every day and that I’d never ever complain about how messy cats were. Oh have I eaten every last word on that one. My cats drive me nuts.

    And just like the cats, I’m eating my words about having children. I always want a break from Baby Bug. Don’t get me wrong. I love love love hanging out with her all day. I go insane when I’m without her. She’s my pal. We go everywhere and do everything together. She has a great sense of humor and keeps me laughing all day long. But sometimes… Sometimes… I just need a teeny tiny little break from her. Sometimes when she pulls on my pajama pants and they fall off down to my ankles, I get annoyed. Sometimes I just want to type something without her little hands grabbing at my knees begging to be pulled up into my lap where she will bang at my keyboard and try to eat my mouse. Sometimes I just want to be my old self who didn’t have a kid and did whatever she wanted to all day long.

    I’m so ashamed that I have these feelings. What kind of spoiled brat am I that I am never happy no matter what side of the fence I’m on? I wanted kids sooooooo bad. It was a major source of contention between Toby and I and put a serious strain on our marriage that we couldn’t have kids for so long. So now that I have one, I don’t even want to complain.

    That’s the rub right there. Everybody has been telling me to hire somebody to come in for a few hours a week so I can take a break and get some of my freelance work done. But I was too shy and embarrassed to ask Toby if we could afford to do this. I’ve been ignoring all your comments because in our one income family, hiring a babysitter is a luxury we just cannot afford. I should be thankful that I get to stay home all day and be a mom. Money is tight and I am so lucky that I don’t HAVE to do freelance work to pay the bills.

    My problem is that I WANT to do freelance work because I love being a designer and I miss it. There, I admit it. I miss working.

    So finally I just sat down and told Toby that I really miss designing. I spend every minute of Baby Bug’s naps doing chores and writing blog posts (my one and only outlet) and there just isn’t enough time left in the day…especially when her naps are only 30 minutes long and she only takes two of them a day. I learned the hard way that I can’t wake up at 5:30 every morning and then drink coffee to stay awake all night long too. I need a lot of sleep to keep up with my crazy daughter. I think not drinking water and not sleeping is what got me sick and started the whole gallbladder illness. Or at least that’s the first thing that went wrong.

    You know what? Toby was cool with it. He didn’t think I was being a spoiled brat at all. We talked about our finances and he totally approved my need to have some time to myself!!!! I think the reason he had discouraged it before is because he wanted to be the one babysitting… but that just isn’t realistic. Every time we scheduled time for him to babysit, something would go crazy with his work and I’d end up resenting him because he couldn’t keep his end of the bargain. We finally agreed that we need somebody else to help. I’m so relieved that he sees my side in this. This is HUGE!! Like a ticket to sanity!

    I’m so excited. I don’t even know where to start. Finding a babysitter I trust—that’s going to be the challenge. It’s going to be tricky too because I want somebody to come to our house while I’m here. I’ll probably just be in the next room over. I remember when I was baby sitting all the time, I HATED watching kids when their parents were there watching me. The kids would act up terribly and pit me against their parents. I never knew how to handle them when they disobeyed. I never have ever spanked a kid, of course, but it just feels weird and wrong using a stern voice to tell a child to stop getting up out of their chair during dinner when their father is just across the room reading the newspaper. But I guess that’s not my problem anymore. I guess that’s why the babysitter gets paid. It’s not an easy job and boy do I know it.

    Anybody have any hints on hiring a babysitter? I only need two hours, two days a week.