Family Matters,  Super Dad

in Toby’s defense

Part of me knew that you might come to the conclusion that Toby was a “hands-off” dad when I wrote yesterday’s post. Part of me knew I should be careful not to paint too negative a picture of the way things are in my marriage. But I wasn’t careful because I was so caught up in my own frustration with the matter at hand (which is not that Toby isn’t involved as a father, because believe me he is…) but instead that I can’t figure out how to juggle what I have on my plate right now.

So I apologize, not to Toby, but to you because I made myself out to be some kind of super hero mom who does it all and I didn’t really make it clear that I have a wonderful husband (though eccentric and prickly) who makes it possible for me to be a super hero mom. Without him, I would be working a 9-5 job and probably hating it. I have the greatest career of all time. I am a mom who doesn’t have to work. I hope it is not too bold to say this, but in today’s society where it takes two incomes to make it, this is the biggest kind of luxury I could ever have.

I know this is a topic that could cause a lot of heated debate but this is where I stand on the matter. No matter how much I love to work and no matter how happy it makes me to be a money-making machine, my chief goal in life is to be the best mom I could ever possibly be to my baby. I guess my point of division might be: how much freelance work can I do and how many crazy whacky hobbies can I have before they start taking away from my time with my baby?

Here’s the part where I will try to paint a clearer picture of who Toby is. Yes, he read yesterday’s post and yes, it made him a little bit upset. Not because of what you might think of him. (Thankfully he’s long gotten over how he might be portrayed on my crazy blog.) But because he was hurt that I might actually feel this way about him too. Every day he comes home from work exhausted and he thinks he just can’t go on another day but when he sees his wife with a smile on her face and she’s holding a baby who’s getting chubbier every day, he knows it all is worth it.

Toby works on his computer color correcting images until four in the morning nearly every night. Sometimes six. Sometimes he doesn’t go to bed at all. And in the morning (though never very early) he goes out and photographs houses until eight or nine at night. He might not keep regular hours, but he works very hard. His phone rings off the hook. Did I mention he climbs rocks and hangs off cliffs too?

When he is at home he can’t walk by the baby without engaging her in some kind of complicated baby goo-goo game that often over stimulates her to the point that I have to stop him and take the baby away so she can calm down. Toby loves his daughter so much it’s crazy. He worries about her constantly. He’s paranoid and he won’t let me do anything without some kind of long diatribe about how I need to drive carefully and watch her head as I walk through doorways. If you were in Toby’s head you’d think the world was filled with crazy banshees who run red lights and talk on their cell phones while they eat cheeseburgers.

Toby loves his family and I’m worried that I don’t really talk about that much on this blog. I guess I just assumed that it was in between the lines because I write so many posts about how lucky I am to be able to be a mom who takes walks on the beach every day. One thing I didn’t write about is that I’m a rebel. I’m not really the submissive wife who cooks and cleans and makes sure there is a pitcher of iced tea in the fridge every day. Sure I do those things but I also argue and fight and I have a pretty sharp tongue on me. Ask anybody who grew up with me, or worked with me (thinking of you Karoni).

I also tend to grumble and I’m good at it. When I was working the corporate job, I grumbled about the morons who made me attend mindless meetings every day. When I was in college, I grumbled about the bureaucracy who made me stand in lines for financial aid for hours and then sent me home without any money to pay my rent because I didn’t have form Q filled out. When I was a teenager I grumbled about my parents who were so busy trying to put food on my plate they couldn’t always pick me up from school on a rainy day. I’m just a grumbler and when things don’t seem fair, I make myself heard.

What I was grumbling about yesterday was a little bit more about how I can’t seem to turn away freelance work and juggle my role as a mother and a little bit less about how I wish my partner in life would play a bigger role. I think I lead you down that path because I was anticipating your comments and your solutions and I wanted to quickly point out that I can’t just hand off the baby to my husband. Not because he is a bad father and partner but because we have chosen to make our living in such a way that Toby needs to work very very hard. I hope that seems clear and not a case of “me thinks thou doth protesteth too much, Brenda”.

We never actually made a hard and fast “deal”. That was just my perception of our arrangement. I just wanted to make sure it was clear that I knew what I was getting into. I take my duties seriously. I know my job is difficult and I face it like a woman who can jump tall buildings, make a pie crust from scratch and solve difficult word problems at the same time. I want to be this woman. I signed up for this. I didn’t talk about how I have a three-month-old who doesn’t take bottles because I sorta forgot to introduce them to her during the very important turning point in which she became the most stubborn baby ever who loves only her mommy’s boob. I didn’t talk about her Daddy who tries to hold her and babysit her but who’s heart breaks in two when he sees her lower lip jut out. I didn’t talk about this because I wanted to talk about how much I love working and making art and how I am frustrated that I can’t seem to fit everything in yet. But like a lot of you pointed out, I will figure it out.

And yes, he does call my art “crap” sometimes, but it’s not like I take that laying lying down. I’m a fighter.


  • erika

    hehe, neither can I. Pick up the AP book or do what I do and fugget about it. :) :: sending a bigger hug:: You will figure it out girl.

  • Matthew Miller

    If I hadn’t seen at least some of that between the lines, I think my advice yesterday would have been “leave this man at once”. :)

    As it is, I stick to the suggestion I gave: find some regularly-scheduled time to be exclusive Toby-Bug time and simultaneous Mommy-does-whatever-she-wants time. Hard worker with demanding job (and seriously, as sources of income go, full-time artist is clearly not an easy path) or no, it’s worth finding some way to make happen, even if it’s really difficult to do. It’ll be good for all three of you.

    PS: “lying down”. :)

  • Bethany

    I *so* hear you, on both this and the previous post. I know being married to a crazy artist who keeps nothing resembling a ‘schedule’, fighting the urge to take on more projects, wanting baby time, and then for me I end up feeling guilty no matter what I choose. Thanks for being so open on both sides of it, it’s so good to see it laid out :). You will find what works for you, and I’m glad Toby read it and it sounds like you talked about it … I’ve found that to be the hardest thing sometimes is to put the feelings on the table in a way that’s not SO confrontational :| I’m probably frustrated where you’re grumpy … and it broke me yesterday to hear my 4-year-old comment that I was always frustrated … perhaps that’s my wake up call to get things a little more figured out! Cheers to you on your journey thru it … it will get easier, it’s always open to change, and you are doing an amazing job of being a mom. Btw, the pics of Toby holding her that I’ve seen tell the ‘between the lines’ pretty eloquently.

  • Heidi

    The good and bad news is this “situation” is temporary. Baby bug is growing up. Her current need for mommy will subside and she will be off to school before you know it. That’s when those hours will come back to you and the freelance jobs/art projects will fill your time. Then you will have the best of both worlds – a creative gig and being able to welcome your little girl home after school.

    Until then, take those freelance jobs one at a time.

  • Karoni

    Love ya Bren! I’m so proud you thought of me (not really, but it did make me laugh because I know we are past our corporate days)!!!

    I’m here for you. After I had the little guy, I was holding two-part time jobs and being a SAHM with two kids. It got tough and I had to quit one job. It was a tough decision, but I was going batty. It was the best decision for me.

    You’ll figure it all out. It will get easier to manage your time as baby bug gets older.

  • Photographer Lori

    Baby Bug is only 3 months old. You are way too hard on yourself….(as if you didn’t already know that!) I think you will figure it out as she gets older and a little less dependent on you. (don’t cry thinking about that! haha She will always need you! ) :)

    My husband is like Toby, so I know if I had kids, it would be the same way. Baby Bug is going to know how much you both love her! And think of how much fun she will have growing up. Your house is going to be the “cool” house all the kids want to hang out at!

    I’ll ask around to see if any of my artist friends need the work.


  • giddybug

    It’s lying down. ;)

    I didn’t respond yesterday because parts of your post made me so angry, and I didn’t want to post a rant in your comments when I really do feel that you can and should live your life as you choose. After reading today’s, there are still two things I’d like to say; I hope you don’t mind. If you do mind, feel free to delete this comment without even reading it.

    Thing number one: Toby needs to stop referring to your art as crap. That’s a respect issue. By disrespecting something that is so important to you, he is disrespecting a part of you, and that needs to stop. It doesn’t matter whether you take it lying down or not, that’s really not a line that should be crossed in the first place; it’s as bad as it would be if you referred to his 80 hours a week as crap.

    Thing number two: do remember that you don’t have to get along without babysitters and forego the work you really do love in order to be 100% Mommy to the Baby Bug. Historically, in most cultures, children are raised in an extended family, with grandparents and aunts and uncles pitching in. If grandparents aren’t available, there’s no shame in hiring someone so that you can do work you find fulfilling part of the time, and spending the rest of your time Mommying. You’ll still be her one and only Mommy. I respect your choice if you choose not to do that, but I doubt anyone will think less of you if you do.

  • Withheld

    Quote From Giddybug: “Toby needs to stop referring to your art as crap. That’s a respect issue. By disrespecting something that is so important to you, he is disrespecting a part of you, and that needs to stop.”

    I wholeheartedly agree with the above statement.

    Second Quote From Giddybug: “do remember that you don’t have to get along without babysitters and forego the work you really do love in order to be 100% Mommy to the Baby Bug… there’s no shame in hiring someone so that you can do work you find fulfilling part of the time, and spending the rest of your time Mommying. You’ll still be her one and only Mommy.”

    You have to take care of YOURSELF first in order to be a good Mom and a good Wife! That means pursuing your OWN career and interests. If your Art has been downgraded to just a hobby for right now than you should still have time to pursue your hobby.

    No offense but no matter how you sugar coat it…Toby sounds unrealistic in his expectations of you. You are a perfectionist and you’re killing yourself over it.
    I’m not in your life or your marriage. I won’t even pretend to know how to go about a solution for this. If nothing else you should really think about your life. What YOU want from it. You only get 1 chance at life and it shouldn’t be spent suffering and watching your personal dreams die.

    Best of luck to you!

  • Clownfish

    Yes you are bold, honest and open when you share your personal life challenges. But as readers of your blog, we know you share your victories too.

    At the risk of sounding like the “glass half-full guy” or the “silver lining guy”, here is what I see. I see a husband/father with a successful photography business who is so in demand that his phone rings off of the hook. I see a wife/mother who is not only creative but desires to be creative and is also in demand for her creativity. And I see a daughter who gets to soak up the love her two parents cover her with. And how much more powerful this will be the day she begins to understand how lucky she is to have two parents with so much love for her.

    Lastly, we all know that the written word sometimes struggles to show the whole picture. And for those of us fortunate enough to be able to spend time with you, get an even clearer picture. Thus, I can say without question, anyone who has seen Toby, even without speaking a word, look into the eyes of his little girl can see that there is a father who totally loves his daughter! I know you know this B but wow, to be witness to this non-verbal demonstration, speaks volumes.

  • Annika

    Well, I never thought for a second that Toby wasn’t a magnificent father and husband. I don’t have to know you personally to know that you wouldn’t have a family with anyone who wasn’t wonderful. My husband works very hard so that I can stay home. I pick up as much freelance work as I possibly can and he is supportive of that too. When this baby comes, though, I have a feeling everyhting will be reevaluated, and I am so grateful to know that’s possible. I think it is hard for me (and perhaps the rest of your readers) to know how insanely talented you are and see that you don’t have the time or energy to be an amazing mom and to work on your art. And believe me – I think being a mom is one of the awesomest things on earth. (And despite my use of awesomest, which is not a word, I am a copy editor and can tell you that it is “lying down.”)

  • Laura

    I am a stay at home mom too. My hubby works long and hard to support us, and I know sometimes it’s too much for him. But remember, being at home with the baby is hard work too, and it is a job and work just the same as what your husband does. My little tiny baby just turned 5, and even now it’s still hard to get everything done in the household. If you and your husband have an agreement, I understand. But an agreement with a baby is different than one with a preschooler or toddler or child. And an agreement must be made on the concept that what each of you is doing is of equal importance. And one could not exist without the other. He couldn’t have a happy child and home if it wasn’t for you. Heck, childcare and such is very expensive. You are interdependent by choice.

    Good luck. I remember the seemingly thankless baby days very well.

  • margalit

    It never crossed my mind that Toby wasn’t a good father, husband and provider. When I read your post yesterday I didn’t comment because I knew it was a rant, a frustrated cry of annoyance for things that are overwhelming you right now. I’ve read your blog long enough to expect an occasional rant, just like I do on my own blog. Isn’t that what blogging is about?

    I agree that Toby calling your art crap isn’t nice and is unfair. He photographs houses for a living. I don’t see his work in any museum, but I wouldn’t refer to it as crap. What you do is wonderful and you know your artwork is loved by so may of us. The making the bed illustration the other day was so charming that I printed it and showed it to a friend whose wife just had a baby. It’s just delightful.

    And I also agree that you need to care for yourself, so hiring a sitter every once in a while isn’t a bad thing. I’m a single mom of twins. I’ve been raising them alone their entire lives, and if I didn’t get some help with an occasional sitter I’d have blown my brains out. You need to renew and refresh yourself every once in a while, and that’s a GOOD thing. If Toby doesn’t understand this, then maybe he needs to stay home with the bug for 48 hours so he can get a clue. It isn’t fair for either of you to demean what you do. It’s important work, probably the most important work you can do. A lot more important than photographing houses, but you seem to come in second in priority, or maybe even third. That’s not fair.

    I think you might want to try and renegotiate that pact you made with Toby, to allow yourself some ‘me’ time. It’s amazing that just a couple of hours at a movie can be so restortative. And that’s not bad for you or the bug.

    The other thing I wanted to ask is, does this “only I can take care of the baby” thing mean that she’s never going to go to preschool or nursery school? Because I think you’re going to regret that decision. You should try to be open to putting her in a play group when she gets a bit older, just so you can spend some time with other moms, building friendships and relationships for both you and the bug. Kids need to have a social life, too.

    As a SAHM, I get that it’s hard. It changes, but it doesn’t get much easier. You need that special renewal time. School is way too far away to not have a day off. Take care of yourself, Brenda. Please.

  • ginger incognito

    Have you tried finding a playgroup in your area? I know it sounds silly for a three-month-old, but at this stage, it’s more for you than Baby Bug! Try contacting the local community center or even your pediatrician. We were lucky enough to know one through friends, and even though we only gather once a month, it’s been a great experience for all of us. Especially because now we know people whom we feel confident leaving the Doodle with for even the smallest amount of “me time”. Both my family and the Husband’s are incapable of caring for the Doodle for various reasons, so we’ve had to build our own village — and it’s an awesome village!

    So many people have said this already, so I feel I’m being redundant, but: Being a mom is hard, and it doesn’t get easier if you don’t take care of your needs, too. Frustration is totally normal, especially in the early months when it feels like you need to move a mountain in order to take a 5-minute shower. Take a deep breath and know that you’re doing an excellent job. Just worrying so much about all this proves it. (It’s the serene ones who scare the crap out of me.)

    Hang in there!

  • rosie

    I don’t think you need to apologize to your readers for ANYTHING you write! If anything, those that cast judgment on your relationship with your husband oughtta be the ones apologizing ;-)

  • runwaylights

    All I can say is the best laid plans all change when a baby enters the pictue. I have NO doubt that he loves you both VERY much. You’re going to have to makes some changes that will ease up some of the pressures for both of you.

    We have friends who before the baby came had it all worked out to a T. She would work out at 5, him at 6, she would do x, and he would do Z and everyone would be happy. She quit working as a full time third grade teacher to stay home, full time. They need the money so she tutors two days a week and a college girl comes on those days to watch the wee one while she works with the kids.

    Things are much better now. She still calls me and some days cries because the baby cries all night with gas, or she’s tired. It gets better, and easier–really it does.

    You’re doing a wonderful job, both of you.

  • ms. sizzle

    blogs are slices of life. none of us can say we tell the whole truth because even if we tried, we’d leave something out. and that isn’t because we are trying to be dishonest- it’s just a lot!

    toby married you, a fiesty woman, for a reason. it sounds like from what you have shared that you guys keep each other real and honest and that is a great place to work from. . .sure, it is hard figuring this stuff out with the baby in the mix but you are all going to find your way.

    (and your arts and crafts crap is awesome!)

  • BeachMama

    I couldn’t possibly write a better comment than Ms. Sizzle. She captures my thoughts so well.

    You definately didn’t convey that Toby wasn’t great in your previous post, more that you were frustrated with your arrangement because you love your work. It happens, sometimes you want the best of both worlds. You will find the balance and when it happens you will see that everything will fall in into place.

  • Daisy Mae

    I don’t talk about my hubster all the time in my blog but that doesn’t mean things are going bad at home with him, it just means things are going so good that I have nothing to complaoin about where he is concerned.

    Every now and then he will annoy me to the point where I need to blow off some steam and that’s what I do on my blog. Then I forget all about it.

    I know your post yesterday wasn’t putting Toby in a bad light, it was about your frustration with not having enough hours int he day and enough hands. But honey what is a blog for if it isn’t for venting and blowing off steam.

    And Toby we don’t think you are an absentee father or anything. Just looking at those pictures of you holding baby bug and the love shining in your eyes tells the whole world how much you care for her.

  • GenE Shockley

    If you don’t want to read and interferring busybodies input, delete this now.

    I admire both you and your husband very much, not only for your artistic achievements, but for your parenting choices, also.

    There is one thought that I didn’t see addressed at all. Toby is so successful and doing so much work that he is leaving in the morning, working til late (or dark) and then doing photographer things with the pics until 4 a.m. I imagine then, he is stressing all of you emotionally, and himself PHYSICALLY (sorry to have to say it..but I mean it sounds like a heart attack waiting to happen) to boot! He is an artist, and is probably as anal as an accountant, architect, or computer programmer to get things JUST right. Maybe he needs to consider training an apprentice, or getting a business partner who can help carry the work load.

    I understand that he loves you both, and is doing his best to take care of his family. But he is only adding to his worry and your stress too, with the cautions of how to take care of baby bug. It sounds like he is treating her like spun sugar that will melt if it gets wet, especially the bit about his heart breaking when her lower lip sticks out. Yes she is a cute little bug, but frankly, I think his worrying about her would ease up some if he gained more experience in taking care of her. Yes, babies are fragil (I have had two, and now have a grandson), but they are also very resilient, and while I don’t personally advocate the cry-it-out school….babies, toddlers, children, teenagers, all have to learn to adapt to the vagaries of life, just as both mommies and daddies have to learn to read baby cues and learn how to respond with appropriate comfort.

    Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I know you have told us about his work schedule. It is brutal.
    But something has to give. As much as you need time for yourself and your own artistic expression, he needs to re-evaluate his work so that you can SHARE equally as parents. He needs to learn to interact with babybug without over stimulating her…and YOU need to learn to walk away and LET HIM deal with calming her down. You don’t want to get 10-15 years into the future and have only you being the one know how to reach her when she gets upset over school, friends, boys, middle-school/high school cliques and bullies, etc.

    Finally, while I hope you both have a long and happy life together, just as I am sure you have prepared financially for Baby Bug, you also have to realize that (heaven forbid anything bad happen) at this point in time if something happened to Toby, you KNOW that you can physically take care of BabyBug, but what if something happened to you…it doesn’t sound like TOBY could physically take care of her….and that seriously needs to change.


  • BeeTea

    I love you Brenda, but is it possible for you to talk/write about *anything* else besides the baby? Where is the old Brenda I once knew? I have not seen her in a very long time. I miss her. The old and fun Brenda would *never* consider shaving her legs or making a bed a monumental accomplishment.

  • Nila

    You and Toby have your roles clearly identified. My husband and I are like that. We’re old fashioned in that I take care of all things kid, house related. Whatever works. I wouldn’t trade having been a SAHM when my kids were babies. It’s tough being with a baby all day, but the rewards…

    Your commenters were so hard on Toby, and they shouldn’t be especially since we don’t hear his voice in your blog, only your frustrations, which are natural. I think your laundry situation is the pits, and that is the cause of a lot of stress. I know it stresses me out and I have a washer and dryer in my house. You’d be amazed at how much stuff you can get done around your house while a load washes.

    Girlfriend needs a Neptune!

  • Becky Z

    I think you are doing a great job at prioritizing with being a mom and taking care of your baby. You should talk/write about your baby all you want, you’re a mom now, and you are doing a great job!

  • gretchen

    I am not a stay-at-home-mom. It’s not an option in our family, and you’re right, you are lucky (especially the beach part!)

    But I do have one thing to share: When I had my second son, and was home on maternity leave, I took both boys to the grocery store. I kind of shared your attitude: this is going to be hard, but this is what I signed up for when I decided to have 2 kids. This is what moms do, and dammit, I’m a mom and I can do it!

    I got one of those big carts shaped like a car (do you have those out in Cali?) and put both boys in it. I kept crashing into things (those carts are hard to steer). The baby started crying and then the 4-year-old started crying too because he was so freaked out by the baby’s crying. I was nearly crying by the time we were done. I felt like I was such an incompetent mom because “other moms do this all the time and why can’t I?”

    But I realized that in the future I could plan to take just one or the other, leaving one with daddy. Or once I went back to work I often stopped at the grocery before I picked them up.

    And as the boys grew older (they are now 2 and 6), it became easier to take them both places.

    I realize that none of this specifically pertains to your situation. But my point is just that we have a lot of pre-conceived ideas about what it means to be a mom, what makes a good mom, what a mom’s job is. But really, there are all kinds of moms out there and we’re all doing the best we can- you just figure out what works for you. I’m fully confident that you will figure out how to do your freelance work and everything else too.

    Good luck!

  • Lin

    You and Toby have been parents for around 12 weeks, Brenda. That is NOTHING in the scheme of things and your sweet babe is HUGE in the scheme of things. It all takes time, energy and juggling. You both have figured it out remarkably well, thus far, and will continue figuring it out as the weeks pass. It seems hard to believe, but in a very short time Baby Bug won’t be in your arms, but crawling or toddling or in pre-school or on play dates and you will have time on some days and no time on others. Take advantage of all offers for helping out, whether from your Mom or Toby or anyone you trust and then use that time for whatever feels the most pressing: artwork or sleeping!

    Good luck, kid. You’re doing just fine.

  • Jennifer

    I’m a stay at home mom also. I think a lot of households are run just like yours, but it’s just unspoken. My almost 4 month old is sick right now and was making a mess of her crib with both ends of her body last night (sorry TMI). I was the one bathing, cleaning, re-feeding, over and over while hoobie changed the sheets and ran back to bed because he “has a huge project at work and really needs to sleep”. That moment was rough and thankless, as is a large part of mothering, but the time spent mothering is fleeting. You’ll be surprised how quickly babe will need you less and less and you’ll find time to do those projects you want to do. I promise :)

  • Kristina

    I’m sure everyone offering advice means well, but I’m kind of surprised how overboard some people are going with it. How many of you spouting off opinions on Toby actually KNOW him?! As Nila put so well, this is SAJ’s blog, and we’re hearing her side of the story. Her side is valid, but you know what? So is Toby’s! We just don’t get to hear what he has to say, because *hello!* this isn’t his blog. SAJ shares with us her frustrations and reactions to things that occur in her life, AND she shares the many great things that go on. I, for one, find this blog refreshing because of SAJ’s honesty and willingness to share not only the fun, happy discoveries in life, but the trials and challenges of it as well. I appreciate, admire and respect her ability to share these things so openly with us, a group of (mostly) strangers.
    One more thing: BeeTea, I am APPALLED by your comments. What selfishness! Brenda is exactly who she was pre-baby-bug, she’s simply shifted some of her priorities, as well she SHOULD: she’s a mother now!

  • BeeTea

    To Kristina…I am sorry you feel that way…perhaps you have not known Brenda as long as I have, since we have been friends since the eighth grade. To accuse me of being selfish just confirms that you are simple-minded.

  • Kristina

    Dear BeeTea,
    No, you’re not ‘sorry’ that I feel that way (nor should you be) and you know that I haven’t known Brenda since the 8th grade. However, just because you have known her for that long doesn’t mean you’re not going to make a selfish comment. To assume otherwise would be…well…I do believe you used the term at the end of your comment, actually. A lot of people on here love what Brenda has to say – including everything baby related – and they’re going to stick up for her when they perceive someone as being unkind.
    Yes Brenda’s priorities have changed. They’ve changed out of necessity and for the better: it’s part of what makes her such a great mom. But she’s still your-friend-since-grade-8-Brenda! I can’t understand how you can ask her to talk less about something so life changing and monumental; something that brings new challenges, questions & wonderful experiences on a daily basis. Bottom line: YOUR FRIEND HAS A BABY! THINGS ARE GOING TO BE DIFFERENT! Just remember that different does not = bad.
    I really hope you can find a way to be more supportive of (and excited for) your dear old friend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying you aren’t those things at all: I’m just saying that if your initial comments are any indication, you might want to do some self-examination instead of simply asking Brenda to change.

  • runwaylights

    With friends like that who needs enemies. Seriously you’re going to find that there are friends who will not be as close or not be your friend at all on this journey of motherhood. You will learn the true heart of those around you. You will also meet some new people who embrace and love their child as much as you love yours. Sadly I see and meet to many moms who think their children were a mistake or not as much fun or as “neat” as they thought it would be. There will be crying days, and days when you say..”what was I thinking” and then there will be days of love so deep you didn’t know your heart had that capacity.

    I’m so happy that you get to bring the baby with you. I got to the first three months but then I decided to quit and be a sahm I missed him too much when he wasn’t around.

    You’re going to be okay…it will work it’s self out.

  • josephine

    Yikes guys! I was gone all day and didn’t get to read all these comments until just now. Thank you for being so loyal and supportive of me but also don’t worry. I have known BeeTea for a long time and her comment didn’t hurt me a bit. I know part of her was just giving me a hard time. She knows I can’t change the fact that my world revolves around the baby. I’m just afraid that you all won’t get to know the real BeeTea who is actually really sweet and funny. Sure, she has an edge to her but I can take it. Again, thanks for sticking up for me. I do appreciate it. I just want to make sure BeeTea knows I still love her even if things that go down in print on the internet might not seem that way. If she ever really offends me I’ll just post her prom picture from 1989.

  • Lu

    i would never blame T for the situation you guys are in right now. seems you are trying to do everything and realizing you can not. Maybe pick a few freelance projects you LOVE and do those. If the baby is the priority, then she is what you should focus on. YOu can not get those times back. Believe me. So, figure out what is important to you and talk with your husband about it. All will work out. I do believe that.

  • Ursula in the UK

    Marriage does have it’s “blips” I’ve only just begun to read your “Blogs” hope that’s the right term! You both seem to be a really nice couple, perhaps, with the stress of trying for a baby and then your dream has come true maybe Toby is wanting your attention, we Mum’s do dote over our offspring and can sometimes forget we have a husband who still needs to feel wanted, it could be his way of getting a reaction from you, as the saying goes any reaction is better then none. Toby loves the person you are not for what you can or can’t do, I’m sure your art work is superb, I would think Toby can see that too. I’m sure if you can both talk about what the problem is, clear the air so to speak you will both feel the benefit. Be kind to yourself you have the most important job in the world being a wife and a mother, I have been married 32 years, I’m 50 years old I still feel I’m a 15 year old in my mind. God has blessed me with a wonderful husband, we are still very much in love, we’ve had two kids Iain 30 & Leighanne 28, when the time comes when your family has left home you still need to be YOU, do whatever makes you happy, as long as it is not to the detriment of others .