I’ve been meaning to write another pregnancy watch report but it seems like every post I write lately has to do with pregnancy. SAJ.com is just a regular pregnancy blog these days. Ho hum… right? Well, not so much. The end is getting near! I can’t believe my big day is only four weeks away! That’s terrifying! 29 days Yikes!
It’s not so much that I’m afraid of the delivery itself. Though I’d be an utter fool to say I wasn’t afraid of pain. I am. I’m very much afraid of pain that feels like you “pulled your bottom lip up over your head and then stomped around on it”. But I think what really scares me right now is the suspense. I feel like I’m carrying around a very scary Jack-in-the-box and the music is going to stop any minute.
The not knowing when, where and how it’s all going to start is what drives me crazy. I gasp and wonder, “could this be it?” at every little pull and tweak I feel down there. My mom gave birth to both my brother and I two weeks early, so it is entirely possible I could have an early birth as well. Especially since I seem to be carrying this baby right front and center and oh-so-very out there. But who knows, it could be weeks after my due date. Usually first time mothers deliver late. I just hate all this unknown!
I think Carly Foster said it better than I can. It’s hard to get on with your life because how can I possibly plan for a future that I have no idea what will be like? I don’t know this little person yet. I don’t know if I’ll have enough space or patience or supplies, what size she’ll be, what kind of sleeper she’ll be… My whole future feels like I’m on the edge of a cargo door in an airplane and I’m about to jump out into the snowy mountains. Sometimes I just want to jump already to get this feeling of butterflies out of my stomach.
But in spite of this nervousness, I’m not feeling so nervous about delivery. I think it’s because I have a strong support system in place. I’m feel that once I’m in the hospital, I will be well taken care of. Toby and I went to that Lamaze class and he seemed to really take to their methods and ideas. It calms me knowing that he has a plan and he will take charge of keeping me calm physically. He’s going to be firm with me and tell me when to breath no matter what I’m ranting and raving about. He helped me through that accidental drug trip way back when I ingested pot at a party without knowing it. I thought I was going to die then but he kept me calm and we made it through.
Also, knowing that he was a pre-med student once and he’s actually performed surgeries makes me feel better too. I know he’ll have his eagle eyes on everything and there won’t be any sewing up of c-sections with gauze accidentally inside. I know he’ll be watching all the machines and probably have a better idea of what is going on than I do. He’ll be a nervous wreck for me so I don’t have to worry about those details.
When it comes to my emotions and being a girl, my mom and my sister-in-law will be there. My mom is just plain the voice of reason when I get scared, and my sister-in-law is that soothing person who thinks of everything. She’ll be the one who pulls my hair back and tells me not to worry about what I look like. She’ll remember things like where I put my wallet and the spare battery for the camera and that Toby needs to eat something. Knowing all this makes me feel so much better. Boy, if it weren’t for all the blood and guts and stitches and bodily fluids, I’d say this whole operation is under control. I am quite scared of the messy stuff. I hate it when things have to heal. Especially down there. It’s been so nice not to bleed from anywhere for the last 8 months. I really don’t want to go back to the messiness of bleeding. Ick.
All I have left to post is a log of the third trimester symptoms. This will probably bore most but I think it will be handy for me to remember and maybe helpful for those others who are pregnant and looking into the future of their third trimester. So here’s a run down:
I wake up an old lady. I can’t make a fist with my hands. I’ve always been a chronic knuckle cracker since I was nine years old and now when I wake up, I can’t do my usual snap crackle pop. It actually hurts. I don’t know if this is because I am 33 and a wimp, or if it is because I eat too much salt and my extremities are swollen or if I really do have arthritis. I just know this symptom suddenly showed up and it’s weird. It usually goes away by the time I’m done with my morning shower.
What was I writing about? Oh yeah! I am so absent minded it’s not even funny. I’ve always been the type to leave the house and then have to come back to get my keys or a sweater or that thing I was supposed to bring BUT NOW… it’s worse. I can’t even remember where I put something from one minute to the next. I find myself constantly retracing my steps. This is not a good thing because I’ve been spending a lot of time putting things away in very good places and I just know I’m never going to remember where those really good places were.
What’s with the hives? What am I allergic to and when are they going to go away? Every night I have nearly invisible little bumps on the insides of my arms that itch. They aren’t horrible. I’ve had hives before that were so bad I had to go to the hospital for an adrenaline shot. These are not as bad as those, but they hang on forever. I don’t really notice them in the day. Only after I’ve taken a hot shower or when I’m getting ready to sleep. I’m not really worried about them but they do puzzle me.
The in-the-way Belly
Instead of stretch marks, I have cat scratches all over my belly. Why? Because it is just there in the way and so scratch-able by my cat who doesn’t know how to detract her claws properly. I also spill things on it and find it covered in crumbs when I eat. When I sit down too long, I feel like I’m squishing her. We went to dinner at some friends house last night and even though everything was so perfectly comfortable I couldn’t find a position on their couch that didn’t make me feel like this round ball was pushing on my lungs and making it hard to breath. It doesn’t help that I have the sniffles from a cold either. Breathing is just work these days. So many times I wish I could just snap off the belly, take a break and then snap her back on. It’s fun to have the company of kicking and hiccups now and then.. but sometimes I find myself annoyed at my awkwardness.
I Don’t Care What I Look Like
I’ve finally gotten over my vanity of having a chubby face or pudgy legs. I look pregnant, I feel pregnant and I’m starting to believe people when they tell me I look good. I was so obsessed with this just a few months ago. But now I just don’t care. I don’t care if my shoes are frumpy or if my shirt doesn’t match my pants, I just want a shirt that touches my pants and doesn’t leave a gap of air between. I hate it when there’s a gap. It’s really quite chilly.
I’m So Happy To Be Ready
You don’t even know the volumes of happiness I feel when I see the baby’s room done. It really is the oasis I always wanted it to be. I still have a few odds and ends I need to take care of but the bulk of it is over. It is so soothing to know I’m ready. I’m so happy that this baby is going to come into a world so welcomed. So many friends and family have given me so many things. This baby will never feel unloved and that makes me so happy my heart could burst.