Scared Crazy

I was going along so well. Yesterday, I was only slightly bored out of my mind doing all the laundry all day long and then… Kabamo!!! Last night the weepy creepies hit me like a mack truck at two in the morning. I don’t know what is wrong with me. The dark maybe? Am I scared of the dark? Is it because I like to sit in the dark and replay phone conversations I had earlier in the evening over and over in my head until parts of them get out of proportion like gobs of taffy being pulled and stretched?

Earlier, I was chatting with my sister-in-law, picking her brain like usual and I told her how the pelvic exams I’ve been getting every week are really uncomfortable and actually painful. In fact, last week, I had to grab the table behind my head to keep myself from jumping up and kicking my doctor in the face. Is this normal, I ask her? She says it is, but then casually mentions that pre-natal pelvic exams are a “walk in the park” compared to ones during labor. A walk in the park? At the time of the conversation, I just rambled on accepting this. Another thing she mentioned was that getting a cathetar (necessary for an epidural) can also be uncomfortable. That didn’t even phase me either… at the time.

But then this morning, I sat straight up in bed (cross legged because for some freaky reason that seems to be the comfortable position of the moment) and I FREAKED OUT!!!! A cathetar! A little needle with a balloon is going to go up my urethra!!!! Tears started streaming down my face, the snot factory switched into overdrive, shivers commenced, the brain raced in a million directions not making any sense at all. More painful pelvic exams every half hour!!!! Nurses with different sized fingers making different measurements and sometimes you can actually regress in dialation!!!!!

I am suddenly very very very very afraid! I thought I was going to be tough. I thought maybe I was super cool and had a very high pain tolerance. (Heh, I got a bikini wax at 8 months and didn’t even tear up. Take that!) But what if I’m wrong? What if I’m a total wus! I mean those pelvic exams are very horrible! I’m scared of my doctor. I’m scared that we don’t have a good relationship and it’s too late to change it. I’m scared that Toby is going to be disappointed in me when I’m not “a trooper” any more! I’m scared that everybody is going to read this and see what a real coward I actually am.

But I have to write it. Because I am the inside out woman. Everything in my head goes on the blog.

I tried to go on a chat room this morning to admit my secret cowardice to anyone anonymous. But it was a wash. Nobody wanted to talk to me. One woman just wanted to go on and on about her “five blessings” (her five kids) and how all their names started with the letter “K”. Another wanted to adopt one of her sets of twins because, sheesh, she has five, she can spare some…. It was interesting BUT I can’t relate! I think I’m better off just chatting with myself. Me! Me! Me!

So here’s my conversation with myself:

Hi Self.

hi.

What’s on your mind today? Why are you crying?

I’m scared! I’m scared out of my mind!!! I’m losing it!

That’s okay. Here, here, have a tissue. It’s totally normal to feel that way right now.

Really? But I was doing so good!!! Why can’t I be tough up to the very end? I wanna be stoic! I want to be a mountain woman. I want to skin rattlesnakes with my bare hands!

You feel this way because you’re human. You feel the whole rainbow of emotions, that’s what makes you special.

Snif. I like being special but but but… I wanted to be a super hero! That’s so much cooler than the snot factory. I want to wear tights and a cape and dash around. I want all the other pregnant moms to wish they were me.

Um… okay. Well I don’t think you need me. You seem to be entertaining yourself just fine. I’ll be here when you run out of funny stories. If you’re thinking about capes and tights, I think you’re okay.

But I like talking to you, don’t go away! I’m lonely and nobody gets me like you do!!!

Um, yeah. That’s why you’re crazy and they are not. Buck up. You’re going to be fine.

See this is why I have a blog.

Roll Off

I really want to roll off yesterday’s post and post something new because you all spend so much time cheering me up and sending me the most thoughtful kind emails that I start to feel guilty after a while. I don’t deserve all this! But thank you from the bottom of my heart. And yes, it worked. I do feel so much better. I just can’t believe how many people are like me. When I write stuff like that I think, oh no, here comes the wrath of whatever unseen force is out there. But again, time after time, I get nothing but love and support from this website. A BIG FAT humble THANK YOU!!!! And most of all a thank you to one of my Aunts who reached out to me when I needed it. Who is writing me a big fat email but it got eaten by her computer!!! (AAAAgh!) I never realized what an amazing forum and means of communication this would be. I never realized that I would be understood.

Thank you.

That said, I don’t have much else to post. I was hoping to write up a review of this really cool amazing nursery we have by our house. It’s so amazing that even a bus load of tourists from Japan were there today taking pictures and exclaiming all kinds of excited phrases in Japanese. That in itself might have made a fun documentary. But I forgot my camera!!! I never forget my camera. Today I did. My book about pregnancy said I would get forgetful… so maybe that’s kicking in.

I gardened a little today. Bought some new plants and a big ol’ bag of dirt. Gardening is good for the soul. I only have a little garden, just a few pots on asphalt at the back of our house where cars drive by and dogs urinate (on the crabgrass that grows between the cracks in the asphalt, not in my garden pots… hopefully). But it’s my garden and it’s special. As I was out there hosing everything in sight, including my semi-new-pregnancy berkinstocks, I was day dreaming that someday I would bring my daughter out there and we would sit and watch the purple sage flowers wave in the breeze. I know she won’t have much patience for that past maybe six months or so… but it was a nice little day dream. Who knows, maybe I’ll teach her to love gardening like my mom taught me. (I’m sure my mom is thinking, “What! You never liked gardening! I had to pull teeth to get you to help weed.” But now in my olden age (ha!) I do love gardening and I think that is because of you, mom.)