Do you know what that means? Inktober time! I love Inktober. I should draw all year but it’s too big of a commitment for me. The thing is, drawing every day really works. I can see that I’m better than I was last year. I remember when my Aunt Keren told me that when I was a teenager. I took it to heart and that’s probably why I’m still drawing to this day. It’s my one thing that I love doing all the time. I can be in a good mood or a bad mood. I can be busy or bored. Give me a journal and a coffee shop and I don’t care about much else. Sometimes I wish I had a sketching club, like a bunch of buddies who took their journals out and drew things… that sounds fun, right? But the reality is, when I’m drawing I’m pretty oblivious of what’s going on around me.
In the spirit of Autumn (don’t jinx it and say anything) let’s talk about this cute little mug that Bug made me. She’s getting really good at glazing. She’s making plans to be a ceramicist someday. I’m all for it. Maybe I can come over and use her kiln when she lives in that mansion with a studio in the backyard.
More sketches! It’s beginning to feel like Halloween around here!
Bug went to Homecoming. Her dress is a slip/nightgown she bought at a thrift store for $15. It used to have a mesh backing that looked kinda dated so we ripped it out and used the seam edges to create criss-cross straps. I’m so happy that she likes to re-purpose clothing. It saves me so much money.
We also went to see Hamilton. So good!
The Great Job Hunt of 2022 is going slowly. I was really spinning my wheels on job boards, getting more and more depressed as I realize I am aging out of most jobs these days. So I decided to take a minimum wage job as a bagger at a nearby grocery store. I just had to do something that I knew I wouldn’t get rejected at. I know it sounds like a mistake because I could stay home and make more money doing freelance but hear me out.
Way back in the 90’s I used to love that job. I’m serious. I loved running all over the store doing price checks and fetching carts in the parking lot. I was in the best shape of my life! Putting objects in a bag in an orderly manner uses one of my super skills: organization. I love it. I’m such a weirdo but if I could be a competitive organizer in the Olympics I think I might have a chance at being an athlete. It’s like playing physical Tetris and I’m pretty good at it. Five items in a bag, put like items together, keep your soaps and non-food items separate… Simple stuff! You get to chat with people while you work without doing any math! Sounds like a perfect job to me. I met some of the coolest people working at the checkout line.
There was this one older lady in her 80s who gave me the best advice that I still live by to this day. She said, Walk every day and you’ll stay healthy. She’s right. She was healthy and she walked to the grocery store every day. I looked forward to chatting with her and missed her when she didn’t come. Now I walk three miles every morning and I feel great. I’ve lost 20 pounds since I moved into this place and it’s been easy. I also stopped drinking (outside of maybe once a week socially) but other than those two changes that’s all I’ve really done.
Another perk of taking the bagger aka “courtesy clerk” job is that I can transfer up to cake decorator in three months! You know I’ve always wanted to be a cake decorator. Of course t I’ll still be looking for The Big Job that will enable me to continue living in my apartment which costs too much but at least I’m doing something. I was going crazy getting rejected over and over.
I hope your Autumn is going well. I think we are all having hard times right now. It’s just part of life.
Next time: back to the books!
I have been lagging so badly. I think all I do is lag. Why so much lag!!!??? I don’t know. I think I just feel overwhelmed with life and time is a concept that doesn’t make sense. Years of content go by in my head and nothing gets written. And you all wonder why there are crickets chirping on this side of the internet. Because I am overwhelmed with lag!!! I’m still here. I’m just stuck on a lag! I can’t seem to get over it.
I have several blog posts to write. They are all swirling in my head. My publisher has tasked me to write a link-heavy post about all the books I have written. I need to ask for reviews for them to beat the amazon algorithm. (I hate algorithms except when they work for me and then I love them.) She asked me to write it weeks ago and here I am sitting on it while I stress about not being able to pay my bills. I am shooting myself in the foot. So that’s coming. Where my reviewers at?!
I also need to write an epic post about my new relationship and how it’s spanned 30 years. Thirty years!!! It’s a doozy. I don’t even think I can do it justice. I could write a book about this love story. Maybe I should. Maybe I will someday.
I also need to write a post about CC coming to visit and all the fun we had visiting our old haunts. I love having family around. I miss having a big family. There’s more to that than meets the eye.
I also need to write about the job I didn’t get and the huge crush to my ego that job hunting at fifty is… I think I just need to check in. I need to throw myself on the screen and see what comes out.
I think this post will be about rallying. It’s been a theme lately.
You know when you are low and you realize it’s not getting you anywhere? You cry and there’s snot and you blow your nose and notice that your breath is bad because all the acid in your stomach is trying to escape…and while you are noticing all these things in the present, you realize you have two options: crawl into bed, and continue this luxury of sadness and pretend not to exist while still feeling all the feelings OR find something distracting to throw yourself into and trick your brain into thinking life is still worth living.
Wow, that sounds like depression.
I recently finished listening to “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone” by Lori Gottlieb. It’s sooooo good. I think I might even need to read it again because invariably I was walking and listening at the same time and sometimes I zoned out in my own thoughts or got distracted by the sunrise or a squirrel or something and I probably missed a jewel of truth. There are so many jewels in this book! Every single chapter held so much helpful thought. I can’t rave about it enough. Go read it now.
Maybe rallying is a distraction, the act of covering up something deeper and darker that we are not ready to deal with. That’s fair. It’s a coping mechanism that has a side benefit of action. So many times I’ve been in a really low place and I’ve pulled out some strength from somewhere deep inside myself that I didn’t even know I had and moved my brain two inches to the right to a better place against its own will. I found my mojo there. I faked it until I made it. I found the courage to wipe away my tears and see a brighter side. It’s just keeping on keeping. Dress up, show up. All the cliches! Life is sucky. This world is sucky but it would be a shame not to hang in there for the brilliant times, the fun times, the best of times… it’s not time to give up.
Feeling the feelings is important too. Finishing the cycle of a feeling lets you move on to the next one. So let’s feel the feels and rally. All the feels, all the rallies. Kumbaya. La la la.
I should note that while I’ve had some big sad feelings lately, I’ve also had some really big happy feelings. That’s life, right? I hope you are feeling all the big feelings too.