• Beach Bits,  Bug,  corona virus 2020,  crazy stuff,  I'm an idiot,  Life Lessons,  out out out of the house!,  spilling my guts,  travel

    Bug Turns 15: The Road Trip to Nowhere, Part 1

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    I labored about whether to write this post for a long time. While only a few days have gone by, I’ve sat and worried about it endlessly, the hamster wheel in my head spinning like the hamster is a crack addict.  I really wanted to share this big-deal-trip but I felt like it was also an embarrassing mistake. I am deeply ashamed. I was afraid to talk about it for fear of being lambasted for naively ignoring the governor’s travel ban. It was stupid. We shouldn’t have gone. We were incredibly careful and incredibly lucky but at the end of the day I don’t want to traipse around with my white privilege like people are not dying from a horrible disease.

    But then I talked to my therapist (I have a therapist now!) (more white privilege that I’m ashamed of) and she said, it’s my story. This is where I tell my stories. If I lose friends or future business contacts because of some dirt that can be dug up on this blog then maybe I don’t want those friends or business contacts anyway. I am fully going to own my mistake and write about why we shouldn’t have gone. But I also want to share the special parts. It was an amazing trip with my daughter. It was her birthday party that she couldn’t have and you know how I always go over the top with birthdays. So it’s a bittersweet story but it’s my story. I am ashamed that I acted irresponsibly and I will pay the consequences. I will also try maybe unsuccessfully to defend my bad choice. But I made it and we made it back and I think we are going to be okay. Hopefully wiser for our mistakes. So please don’t let the pretty pictures glamorize a bad decision. This was irresponsible of me and I regret it. I am also incredibly grateful that we were able to be safe.

    There. That’s it. A huge heavy weight on my conscience.

    When we left for our trip we never intended to go more than 200 miles. That was the point: a road trip to nowhere. Our plan was to get in the car and head up the coast and stop at every little silly thing we could find that wouldn’t be infested with people. That meant nature and funny photo opportunities that nobody else would be looking at. Bug is her own person now with her own instagram account and she creates her own content just like her mama. I can’t say I’m not proud of her creativity. Social media has it’s many faults but creativity is not one of them.

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    Our first stop was a farmer’s market on the way to the coast. Back when we used to live at the beach, Bug and I would visit the Farmer’s Market every Saturday. It’s such a strong memory for both of us. I’d buy a three-pack box of raspberries and Bug would eat them before we even left the market. She loved the Farmer’s Market. From riding in the front-facing Bjorn to stroller days to riding her own tricycle…the market holds a super soft spot in our hearts. It’s really sad that we don’t go anymore but where we live now we don’t even think about it. We live in a super boring suburbia that has no central gathering places like a farmer’s market. Of course we can drive to a few that are actually nearby but we don’t because we don’t even think of it. Out of sight out of mind I guess. This is something I intend to change. Farmer’s Markets are great. They support the local farmers, there’s fresh healthy food and it’s just a good family outing. Of course we haven’t been going anywhere since Covid started but now that farmer’s markets seem to still be open with precautions maybe we’ll put them back in our schedule. Note to self: go to Farmer’s Market.

    We bought some hummus and pita chips, a three pack of berries (of course!) and some snap peas and carrots for snacks. We didn’t have a way to wash them so we just hid them in our cooler for later. Then we headed off to find our favorite breakfast: Zinc!

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    Yes, we are those basic beetches. I mean, how can we not be? Do you see that work of art that is avocado toast up there? Everyone should eat avocado toast! I told Bug that we are really spoiled. When I was a kid we got cereal or toast but never gourmet avocado toast on the regular. This is definitely the good life. Bug had an iced green matcha latte and of course I had a regular latte. Basic Beeches through and through.

    After that we hit up another favorite spot for Bug’s favorite sandwiches and sparkling cider for the road.

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    Then we drove. Basically we sat in traffic all through Malibu and Santa Monica. We took the long route and didn’t mind. We had no schedule and no place to be. Of course I was a little worried about where we’d stay that night without any reservations but Bug forced me to be optimistic. What could go wrong? Worst case we sleep in the car. Um, we could get murdered? said my usual over-operating worry brain. We did pack sleeping bags and my back windows are pretty darkly tinted so it could be work. I do know a few campgrounds that are usually open so we could get by. I was just worried. Like I always am. But I didn’t need to be. There are a lot of hotels open and they are super happy for customers because business is slow and they are hurting. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

    Next stop: lunch in Zuma. I had planned on stopping in Santa Monica and maybe swinging on those really big swings on the beach near the boardwalk but it was way too crowded. If there was no parking then we weren’t stopping because crowds are NOT for us. Even before the pandemic I hate crowds so it was a no-brainer that we’d avoid them now.

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    Zuma was beautiful. There were people out but no crowds. The breeze was also pretty strong so it felt like if there were any germs around, they weren’t sticking around long. They were blowing far out into the sea to be cleaned. So we sat and we ate our sandwiches and talked about turning fifteen. I’m so proud of this big kid.

    She’s tall now. She often stands next to me and says things like, “Mom, you are so small!” It’s refreshing. I like being small. She’s still a few inches shorter than me but she is definitely adult-sized now. It’s a funny thing that happens. I often tell her that I wish I could keep a version of her at every size. I miss that wobbly three year old who would tear down the sidewalk and throw herself into my arms for a hug. I miss the floppy pigtails and songs about hotdogs. I even miss the scared years when she’s talk about her worries incessantly and hated going to school. I’m so proud of her and how she overcame. She’s strong and independent and opinionated and smart. She’s everything I ever dreamed of and so much more. I knew I’d get a quirky kid but I never dreamed she’d be this perfect.

    Next up: Santa Barbara and the horrible, no-good, terrible business of finding a bathroom in a town full of covid-partying morons. I know that’s harsh. Not all anti-maskers are morons in fact many of them are doctors and seem pretty smart. But for someone who has anxiety and has become a germaphobe because of the pandemic, you can kind of understand what it’s like for a worrier like me to see a crowd of drunk people NOT social distancing. Anyway, more on that tomorrow!

  • 15 minute posts,  place holder posts

    403 Permission Denied. I’ve Been to Crazy Town and Back.

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    It’s been a few of those days. I’m sure you are there with me. The wide-eyed, dizzy, confused overwhelmed days where you find yourself washing the walls with bleach because you can’t think of anything else more soothing. Wait, is that just me?

    Currently I have spa music playing  in my office and one of those volcano candles burning that makes me feel like I’m shopping in Anthropologie. The heater under my desk is blowing warm air at my feet and my coffee is beside me at the ready, sans sugar. I know everyone is feeling stressed. I was on the phone with my bookkeeper this morning (I have a bookkeeper now, can you believe it! I’m almost 50 and I have finally grown up enough to hire someone to do the things I’m really bad at.) and I started telling her about the hives I had last week and how I haven’t been able to sleep because apparently Prednisone can cause insomnia and she interrupted me to say something like what Mr. Chow would say in Hangover 2,  “But did you die?”  (Mom, DO NOT click on that link. You either, Dad.)

    I love my bookkeeper. She has a wicked-dry sense of humor and gives me guilt trips about my spending habits regularly. No, I am not dead. It’s a good wake up call. Things could be so much worse and they are so much worse for so many people. I feel like I’ve been through the ringer so I can only imagine what everyone else feels like. I still have a job and a roof over my head. But have I told you about crawling out of my skin and trying to manage my calories by quitting drinking AND feeling like every baseboard in my house needs to be scrubbed with bleach and a magic eraser  AND all my cuticles need to stop bugging me this very instant?!!!

    I have been to crazy town.

    I think I am on my way back to normal but it’s a little sketchy. I’m trying to be nice to myself. Eat healthy, take walks, paint with my favorite water colors, drink lots of water, attempt to sleep-in even though it is against my grain.  I’m not there yet though. About five more naps with Kady, the cuddling cat, maybe. Have you seen my cat, Kady? She has the softest rabbit fur and she loves to be smushed up against you as tight as she can be. I think God sent her to be my therapy cat. Sometimes she is the only thing that can soothe me.

    I also find this funny soft scarf I bought for Bug a long time ago super soothing. Bug had a Christmas dance recital when she was little and she had to dance with a scarf to the song, “You’re a Mean One Mr. Grinch.” It was super cute. Anyway, we forgot to bring a scarf (we had driven into town 1.5 hours away) so I found myself rushing through Urban Outfitters looking for the cheapest scarf I could find. There weren’t any cheap scarves. I ended up with this whispery purple and blue water-color butterfly wing printed scarf that was way over-priced but we were desperate and there was nothing else I could do. I sucked it up and bought it. And guess what, that scarf after all these years is my favorite scarf. It’s super soft, the colors are muted and blend with everything…I keep it stashed in my purse at all times and it unfolds into a giant size that can envelope you like a shawl. It’s a magical scarf.

    Lately when I’m cold in the morning I wrap it around and around my neck until it covers half of my face. It doubles to keep me warm and to act as a mask if I happen to come upon anyone on my early morning walk. I rarely do but I like it. I feel anonymous and safe.

    But back to life. I know my site is acting up. Even I tried to comment without being logged in and it kicked me out with some 403 permissions error. I’m not sure what is wrong. Everything looks alright on the backend of WordPress but I’m due for a redesign. While I ponder how much money I want to spend on a re-haul it will probably be broken. I’m so sorry to anyone who tried to comment and couldn’t. I did get your emails though and thank you very much!