aging parents,  Family Matters,  Lemon Week,  Life Lessons,  Slow Living,  spilling my guts,  the sticks

Bright New Beginnings

morning-bright

I’ve been sad for so long. It was my normal. I could “I’m fine” my way through it and even fool myself when I wasn’t fine at all. Every day, I had this lead feeling in my chest about this or that perceived failure. I feel like I’m finally stopping and catching my breath, and I can feel that heavy feeling lifting. I feel happiness creeping in more and more. I think I’m finally going to be okay and start getting better. I don’t want to taunt fate but I feel like I finally reached bottom and the only way is up now. Up is looking really possible. Every morning I wake up feeling optimistic. The sun is literally shining on me every day and I am recharging my batteries.

brrrrrrr

Freezing cold sun, though! It’s okay. I finally get to wear all the jackets, coats, and sweaters I never wore while living near the ocean. I live in the high desert now, and it gets below-freezing some nights. I know this is nothing compared to what other parts of the country deal with, but for me, it is chilly!  But that doesn’t stop me from enjoying the cold sunrises. I bundle up and drink it in.

lemon-season

This is a picture post but I do have a bigger point I will get to at the bottom. I just wanted to share the lemons I’ve been picking. One day I got a bug up my butt and trimmed some bushes in the backyard that were hanging over the fence. I worked up an actual sweat and rewarded myself with real homemade lemonade. There is nothing like fresh, homemade lemonade after a sweaty task. I drank three glasses in a row.

lemon-cookies

Later, I made these lemon cookies for the neighbors, who kindly lent me a backup battery to charge my phone when the power was out for three days. It’s fun to be baking again. But get this: my parent’s oven is awful! Figures. Now, when I have all the time in the world and can bake because it’s a great way to heat the house, their oven doesn’t work properly. There is something wrong with the thermostat, and it takes forever to get to the temperature. If I want to bake at 350, I have to set it to 400 and wait half an hour for it to get hot enough. It’s okay, though. I’ll get used to it.

fire-scare

One day, I walked out to the backyard to watch the sunset and saw tell-tale smoke. This is why the power has been shut off so often lately. We’re lucky if we can get through three days without it shutting off. But I’m thankful. My parents live in a high-risk fire area. I’d rather pretend I’m camping Little-House-on-the-Prairie-style any day than deal with evacuation and losing everything. Thankfully, the fire was across town, and the wind was blowing in the opposite direction, so we didn’t have to evacuate. But it was scary. Smoke and flames strike fear in all of us.

windy-sunrise

That night the winds were fierce. All night I heard them blowing and the sounds of metal stretching.

wind-damage

The next day, Cody and I walked around the neighborhood and saw all the damage. The windmill in our backyard unscrewed itself. A battery off my dad’s chop saw flew across the patio, and tree branches were everywhere. Patio chairs were in the street, trash cans were tipped and blown, and tumbleweeds were wedged into places they don’t normally go. It made me thankful for a solid safe house to sleep in.

rain-after-fire

That brings me to my big point: I am really thankful to my parents for the shelter and love they are giving me right now. They are so happy to have someone cook and clean; I am glad to do that. Finally, I feel appreciated for doing something easy and it comes naturally. I love projects. I love home makeovers. I love the sense of accomplishment I feel when cleaning and cooking. I’ve given myself the grace to take it easy and start over. Of course, my money problems are far from over, but I don’t have to worry about being evicted. The worst has already happened, and I’m okay. All the late fees and overdraft notices have come, and I’m still alive. There is peace in giving up. I’ve done my best. I gave it the best fight I could.

I’m so lucky to have a safety net to fall into. I didn’t think I would. I thought I was on my own. My parents were always the ones struggling, and I used to help them, but now the tables have turned, and they are helping me. There is something so wonderful about being taken in by your own family. I don’t mean to be bragging about it when I know so many people don’t have family who love them unconditionally. I thought I was so poor. I thought I was a failure, but this huge lesson has taught me how rich I am. I’ve learned the most significant lesson. Finally, I see what so many people have been trying to tell me. I have so much to be thankful for.

care-giving

I like being a caregiver. I always have been, from super auntie to mommy blogger extraordinaire to empty-nest pet owner… This is me. Now I’m caring for my parents and am good at it! I’m sure we’ll have our hurdles, and I’ll be thankful for my quick trips to visit Matt and other friends, but I can feel my depression lifting. I’m excited about building my way back.

weary-optimism

I have hope.

20 Comments

  • LongStoryLonger

    This makes me so happy. Thank you for sharing this with us! This has also happened for me: “The worst has already happened, and I’m okay.” It makes you feel free, like you don’t have to fear it anymore. Very, very happy for you ??

    • Alison Z

      I’m am happy the depression is starting to lift and you have the unconditional love of your parents. I too have that blessing. Cheers to you, you wonderful care giver. Don’t forget to see if you can get paid from CA for caregiving, my sister in law was able to while caring for her mom.

  • Lauren

    I am so glad for you friend!!!!!!!! Your hope gives me hope. Also when you said you were deleting the blog I went back in the archives to see if i could find a baby bug and you on the beach post, and I found one about you picking lemons and having too many lemons. Coming full circle that you are in lemon-town again!!!! (also jealous, nothing growing in indiana right now!)

  • Neslihan

    This post touched my heart in deep. Been there, gave up everything and started from very bottom of it. Still a bit depressed but I am living a day at a time and enjoying every minute of it. Sometimes burning down and raising from your ashes is the best…

  • Ami

    Please tell me you have fire insurance and follow all the practices (keep dry brush away from the house etc etc). I am worried for you. Glad to hear you are doing ok. This is a chapter in your book of life. Hang in there. You get to write it with people who love you. Hooray for that. If you like caregiving and need money, consider CNA path to start — certified nurse assistant. Then work your way up quickly. A lot of care givers go into medical.

  • Amy

    So glad you are feeling better… (I know depression well). Happy for you and your restart and that you are feeling hopeful again. So wonderful you are spending time with your parents and you are all helping each other. Long time follower, I have a huge crush on your parents :)

  • Geraldine

    I love, appericiate and admire your honesty with yourself and your readers! I am sending positive vibes into the universe for you , that things just keep going up hill. And may the universe continue to give you courage when needed.

  • Sondra

    Hope is priceless, so it sounds like you are walking in abundance right now, for sure. Feeling that morning sun on your face and literally making lemonade from lemons. And they’re homegrown! You had mentioned on IG the other day about being “just” a caregiver and maybe that’s “all” you’re meant to be right now, but what your doing doesn’t need to be minimized or rationalized. It’s a beautiful thing. Most of the best, most meaningful roles in this life are unpaid or severely underpaid. Capitalism doesn’t much value the cost-to-benefit ratio of love, care, and kindness. Happy for you & this season. You’ll get time with your parents that you wouldn’t have had otherwise. Keep choosing joy!

  • Sarah

    I hear myself in so much of what you’ve written here. Things are going well for me right now, but that was not the case just a year ago — and it’s difficult to trust. I struggled for too long in a toxic work environment more than 1,000 miles from home, and when I finally broke down (almost literally) and admitted I couldn’t do it anymore, I was so fortunate to have a soft place to land with family. The ups and downs are truly no joke, and I hope your ups keep going up!

  • Edna Phillips

    Thank you for always sharing your journey with us. I don’t want to just know the ups as they were 15 years ago. Your honesty is always appreciated. I’m about your age and it is a struggle. It is at every age but once the empty nester phase kicks in, the struggle seems harder as we actually have quiet moments now which makes the whys and what-ifs louder.

  • Cathy

    So heart warming to see you thriving in your element and having hope again. Please stay safe from those fires, it’s raining up here finally, hope it heads your way too. Been loving your scenic photos!

  • Edna

    Ops, I need to correct my comment above, I mean I don’t want to just see the good stuff only , like when blogging first started. Everyone ( the mom blogs I follow) writes about the fun times. And they were fun as kids brings that to our lives. But then they grow up, we grow old, and stuff happens and it’s good to know that and see how people are dealing with life.

  • Jeanie

    Brenda, you are so rich in talent, and overflowing with love. We have all been so lucky to have been connected to you by this blog all these years. Thank you.

    You will never regret this time with your parents. My mom passed away suddenly 2 years ago and I don’t regret one second of time I spent with her, or time now that I get with my dad. Life is too short. I feel like you are someone who has always understood the value in each person, and you have always (and continue to always) try to bring some light into life. You are truly a gem.

  • lynne

    Hi, I’m so glad you are finally getting to rest, after jumping through so many hoops and juggling so many jobs to get by. We can get so used to living with the stress, that feeling of not being able to breath, for so long it becomes normal. I’m sad modern life forces us to feel like this. I’m glad you have beautiful sunrises to gaze at and quiet times, drinking in the beauty of your surroundings in to help heal you. Gift your self time to breathe and enjoy the sweet moments XXX.

    P.s. Your lemon cookies look yummy, I’m sure the neighbours were delighted.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.