Why I Am the Best Husband in the History of All Husbands

husband of the year

This post is from Jon Deal from Ransom Note Typography. Thank you, Jon!

The reasons are, of course, legion.

Here are just a few…

  • I promptly do the dishes whenever I’m reminded, “When was the last time you did the dishes, Jon?”
  • When my wife would beg to have more kids, I would ignore her pleas for a while (maybe even a year or two!) so once I finally relented and said, “Let’s have another kid!” like it was my idea all along, I totally sounded like a hero.
  • I encourage her to try new things, like fixing the brakes on the van.
  • Whenever I’m in charge of getting movies to rent, I rely on my excellent taste in film to help me choose: Weekend at Bernie’s, Empire Strikes Back or Fletch.
  • Though my wife’s smarter than me, makes more money than I do and has an advanced degree, I am positive that my depth of knowledge of useless Macintosh trivia counts for something.
  • I often point out how she compares favorably to all the hot women I know or dated in the past. “Yes, they were all very hot women, babe, but I chose you!” (ed. note: There have been no other hot women. I tend to live a rich and detailed fantasy life.)
  • When I fish around for compliments by forcing her to read my writing and pestering her with questions such as, “That was funny, huh?”, “You see where the joke is in that one, right?” and “Didn’t you like the way I worded my obsession with Jennifer Aniston this time around, that was clever, huh?” I’m always a very courteous listener.
  • Whenever she is sick, I get sick, too. You know, sympathy symptoms. And when I moan and snuffle and keep her awake, I am always very sorry about that later, after I am well.
  • I have the best reasons why I haven’t done all the yard work I should have done ages ago. To wit: I can’t find the yard in the midst of all the weeds out there, I lost the keys to the shovel, or—my favorite—I was busy doing something else.
  • I look very sexy when I dance around in my underwear and jiggle my big ol’ white belly fat. It’s hard to resist, trust me.
  • When I stay up all night dinking around with my pathetic scribblings I call writing (i.e., right now), I type extra quietly.
  • But the MOST important reason why I am the BEST husband in the history of all husbands ever to have walked the face of the planet?

    I sit down to pee.

    Every. Time.

    So I’ve got that going for me.

    If you would like to guest post on this website, please email me (SAJ). I will be posting guest posts from now until September 15th.

    The Whole Country is our Workplace

    me in my truck

    This post is from my Dad from Camp Chaotic but he never blogs there. Thank you, Dad!

    Hi everybody! I drive a truck.

    the truck

    For ten years or more I have asked for a run that would allow me to be home more. I finally got it a few months ago. Shawn (SAJ’s younger brother [everybody knows that I guess]) and I now drive each week coast to coast and have almost two days off to boot!

    So I thought I would describe a typical week.

    We drive for Werner Enterprises but this run we are doing now is called a dedicated run. We haul for a large carrier named Conway. They are much like UPS. Conway is what they call a Less-Than-Truckload carrier, LTL for short. Werner is a Truckload carrier, meaning we generally haul only full loads. Sometimes we may have an extra stop or two but usually not more than that. LTL companies will stop by your office and pick up a single package or a pallet or two, whatever you need to ship. Their freight rates reflect this kind of service. Werner, on the other hand, hauls only full-truck loads (with the few exceptions mentioned earlier) and therefore our freight rates are lower.

    Conway will accumulate freight that needs to go clear across the country and load it in a Werner truck, and we take it all the way across the country in two days. This is cheaper for Conway than hauling it in one of their trucks.

    our route

    We drive a little more than 5,500 miles each week, leaving from Santa Fe Springs (a suburb of Los Angeles) early Tuesday morning and arriving at Carlstadt, New Jersey (a suburb of Newark), Thursday afternoon. After dropping our trailer at Conway in New Jersey, we hook up to an empty Werner trailer and take it back west to New Columbia, Pennsylvania, a little south of Williamsport, PA.

    this way to New York City

    long haul driving

    (When you drive this hard, you don’t get to shower as often as you’d like.)

    We get most of an evening to get a shower and a meal at a Petro truck stop and relax a little. We get a good night’s sleep before picking up our return load at the Conway in New Columbia around 8:00 Friday morning and will be back in Fontana, California, Sunday morning.

    Shawn

    Nobody likes to drive all night so Shawn and I cut the night shift in half. We each work basically a 12-hour shift, starting at 3:00 AM or 3:00 PM. Shawn works the evening shift and I work the morning shift.

    The law allows a driver to drive 11 hours and then requires a 10-hour break. With fueling stops and restroom stops, that just about accounts for a 12-hour shift.

    I like the morning shift. I start driving around 3:00 in the morning. In two hours, the sun is up and I have daylight for the rest of my shift. On the other hand, Shawn likes his shift. He starts driving around 3:00 PM and by the time he is tired, it is 2:00 in the morning and he hands it over to me…works great!

    A few weeks ago my brother gave me the extra XM radio he had. We got it hooked up and working, and now Shawn can listen to the Dodgers play baseball no matter where we are in the country. I, on the other hand, am usually sleeping. Bummer.

    So…it’s Friday morning, August 15. I am sitting at the Conway yard in New Columbia, PA. Our load is ready, but the trailer has two bad tires. The Mechanic is replacing them, giving me some time to finish this blog. Then it’s on the road to California…be there Sunday morning sometime.

    If you would like to guest post on this website, please email me (SAJ). I will be posting guest posts from now until September 15th.