Tough Going

I’ve been thinking about taking a little blog break. Which is silly because you know me, I always bounce back with something new to post in a day or two. I never take a real break. But I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I think I’m just slightly depressed. Nothing serious. But I am going to bring it up with my doctor. Just to be on the safe side. I know it seems really silly to be down when all my dreams are finally coming true. I just am having trouble staying upbeat on a daily basis. Sometimes I just want to be sad. I really wish I was a blues musician so I could take my pain and make beautiful music out of it. I tried. I dragged Toby’s old guitar out of the closet and broke two strings trying to tune it. I think it’s hormones. I think I’m worried about all the million and one things there are to worry about. I will be fine. As Toby says, “I’m toughing it out.”

I’ll be back! So don’t go too far away.

I Just Need A Compliment

I came home from work today filled with angst. I’m filled with angst a lot lately. I don’t know what my problem is. Maybe it’s because I’m working again and I haven’t really stopped doing all the household chores that I did when I was just a full time wife. Maybe it’s because I’m carrying around a 10 pound water balloon that makes it hard to bend over. Maybe it’s because my legs hurt when I walk and I don’t sleep well any more.

Maybe it’s because I’m bottom dog at my new job and I’m used to being top dog. Or maybe it’s because when I started this temp job, we were really really slow and then suddenly we got slammed with a lot of work. It’s hard to feel good about work when you’ve spent so many days perfecting doing nothing. I was really getting into my imaginary projects. I find myself resenting that I actually have to work when I’m at work, and I know that’s wrong.

I just need an attitude adjustment. Usually I turn to Toby to talk things out with but he’s so tired of me and my angst lately. If I say one more thing about my double chin to him, I think he’s going to snap. So I’ve been forcing myself to stay in my room and work though my angst on my own. Of course it hasn’t been going well. It never does. Sometimes I think the only cure for this anxiousness is picking a fight with Toby. How screwed up is that? Why must I pick fights? I hate fighting? I hate making Toby not like me and I hate being unlikable. I am my own worst enemy. Sometimes I wish I could just check myself into a hotel room and lose the key.

But then something happened this evening that changed my whole attitude. My boss at work called me (at home) to go over some things that I need to handle when he’s out tomorrow. He told me they are hiring another temp and I need to train that person. This was kind of a surprise to me but I can roll with it. I’ve trained plenty of people and thankfully this agency I’m working at is pretty organized. Then he told me that I’m one of the best people he’s seen come through his department. He totally caught me off guard. I wasn’t expecting a compliment at all. I don’t feel so bad about being bottom dog anymore. I’m valuable! They like me!

It made my day. I am currently angst free now.

p.s. The illustration above is from my imaginary project at work. I stole her and brought her home with me. I figure if she’s never going to go anywhere, she might as well make it to the blog. Who knows though, you might see her on a direct mail piece someday.